Published April 7, 2010
Never mind...
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Hi isabellarivas43
I don't really understand this post and I don't get what it is a fanfiction of.
I saw some mistakes so I would advise re-reading it as then you can make it better by yourself.
midnightread
Well, it's not a bad story, but I'm a little confused about where it's going. It's just about a girl taking a shower, and then she gets out and goes to write. Beginnings are supposed to be exciting! They're supposed to suck the reader into the story! This just isn't interesting enough to make me want to read on. You should cut this scene and fast forward to where the action starts.
B is also an awkward name. It kind of snagged my eye each time, which disrupted the flow of the story. Maybe go for a more common name, or at least one that most people would have heard before?
Other than that, though, it's not bad. It could be much better, though, with a little work.
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Always a capital letter after a full stop. Remember that.
Firstly, what does 'her stickiness and better' mean? Secondly, your tense, 'stopped' is supposed to be 'stop'.
I had to read this sentence a few times to understand it. You should rephrase it to 'She knew that would only get her into trouble'.
There are two ways you can change this. One is to change 'brothers' into 'brother'(singular). Another way is to change 'he' to 'they'
This sentence doesn't sound right. You should rephrase it to be 'happily closed her World History Book'.
There would be a huge difference and the sentence would also make sense if you added a comma after 'Great'.
Your story was okay, it doesn't really interest me that much though. You are sort of taking the reader through an ordinary life of B. The only thing was that you had a lot of descriptions. You should probably edit this to make it look neater and nicer. Also the first paragraph was huge, breaking it down into smaller paragraphs would make it easier to read.
Good luck and keep writing, bye!