part one: london the poet
every night london and i got so drunk that we thought the
world was falling at our feet, and
then she would whip out her
pen & paper, scribbling down
every-single-word that slipped
out of my mouth in a drunken
stupor, and somehow-
when i awoke in the morning there
was always a small note on the counter
with a cup of coffee and i enjoyed my
morning-wake-up-call with a jumble
of deformed letters telling me all of
the-things-no-one-wants-to-hear
-but it was beautiful.
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140,398 Literary Works • 673,156 Reviews
I love how you used, "a jumble of deformed letters". It helps me picture how the words are written on the note. This poem has a lot of imagery in it. I also like how you said, "the-things-no-one-wants-to-hear", "-but it was beautiful." It kind of reminds me of how someone can write you a completely pointless note, but just because it was that certain person that wrote it, it means alot. Nicely done !!
I love how I got a cozy feeling from this poem. It touched my heart and I love it!
Great job!
Hello! I'm sorry but this review is going to be a terribly short one because... there is nothing that needs to be reviewed! To me, this poem is flawless. I must admit that at the beginning of reading it I thought you meant London as the city, but then I realised that you meant a person.
It captures the scene and all the emotions you'd want to come out. Good job!!!
hey there, irrelevant, and welcome to YWS!
If ya ever need someone here on YWS,
(I'm fairly new, too, but I'm here often and would be happy to help in any way possible.)
Now to your piece!
I really, really, really loved this. I can't even fully express why, which I feel is a good sign. All my favorite works are ones I find hard to explain.
I think, perhaps, it's because it really captures the true essence of writing and inspiration. It just...happens like that. Begins with scribbles. Jumbled thoughts desperate to be organized. For that, you've displayed the reality quite well. Love those last two lines. Your use of italics and hyphens. I'm a big, big fan of italics, especially in poetry.
The only thing I'd suggest is adding capitalization (unless intended to be lowercase...). It just makes it look a lot neater.
There are also a few stanzas/lines that may be organized or shifted slightly, but that's up to your choosing. Just read through it a few times and break the lines where it seems most fit and flows easiest.
So...that's about it!
This piece is definitely one of my favorites of the day- I so enjoyed reading it.
~iron.n
(oh and I see now in your description the lowercase was intended)