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16+ Language

His Eyes, a Danatole fanfiction

by irksomerandirksomer


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter One

Anatole waited as guests trickled into the ballroom. He rudely neglected to greet every woman and man who glided through the tall double doors. He mumbled to himself "How I adore little girls! They lose their heads at once!"

Helene sauntered up to her despondant brother and laid a slender arm around his shoulder. "My sweet brother! You truly are infatuated with this little (she said the word with spite) girl! As you said, I went to her house this morning to invite her, on your behalf of course, but she didn't seem too... interested."

Anatole shrugged off his sisters arm and gestured for her to leave. She did, and he returned to gazing out the door. He was so distracted, he didn't even notice when Dolokhov walked up to him with two glasses of wine in his hand. He pushed it towards Anatole, who was startled.

"Calm down Tolly! What on earth has gotten into you?!"

"Oh- I," Replied Anatole with a distant look on his face.

Dolokhov huffed and trundled away, the second glass almost slipping out of Anatole's hand.

To Anatole, the long wait was worth it. When the beautiful Natalie Rostov turned the corner with a swish of her skirts, Anatole's mouth dropped. She was wearing a long white dress, with lace, that so contrasted her perfect skin. An easy smile settled on her lips as she almost flew into the now crowded room.

Anatole rushed forward from his place at the door to meet her. He grabbed her arm and bowed deeply, kissing her delicate, gloved hand. A small, almost controlled blush spread across her cheeks. That is, until she looked up and blushed scarlet.

Anatole stood quite suddenly, arm in arm with Natasha, and moved forward. Natasha steered the uncomfortable couple towards Helene, who was beckoning from across the room.

As they came upon Anatole's perfect sister, Anatole announced "Me dearest Natalie, you must dance with me at once!"

Both Natasha and Helene looked more than slightly uncomfortable, but the oblivious Anatole did not pick up on that. He simple stood there with a gay grin on his handsome face!

"Well of course!" Cried Natasha, "But first, Helene and I must go get something to drink! I'm starved for some wine!"

Anatole smiled and moved to the side of the room, leaning quite inappropriately on a table for a setting such as the one he was in. After a few minutes, Dolokhov walked up and said, "You seem awfully happy for somebody who must have just been denied by one beautiful Natalia Rostova!"

"Well that is where you are wrong, my friend! She has promised me a dance, and then I shall profess my undying love to her!"

Dolokhov smirked, "And what of the fact that your so beloved and your sister have just slipped out of the room together, not five minutes ago!?"

Anatole momentarily looked quite aghast, but soon regained his composure and said, "surely they are fetching some drink or another from elsewhere! It is of no import, but I shall indeed ask this kind gentleman here where they have went, for your sake, dear old friend,"

He glanced uneasily at a sly looking Dolokhov before looking intensely at the footman standing right by them.

"The countess has retired to her quarters with Natalia Rostova, but she has requested to not be disturbed."

It took whole seconds for Anatole to process this information. Once he had, his face dropped and he stumbled away, Dolokhov trailing behind. The sounds of the ball all of sudden became too much for Anatole to bear. Tripping over his own feet, he walked briskly to the door, trying his best to seem inconspicuous.

Dolokhov started to ask if he was okay, but his voice, along with all other noises, were cut off by the sharp thud of the heavy wooden doors swinging closed.


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494 Reviews


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Reviews: 494

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Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:03 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



I'm not familiar with Danatole either, but this work has been in the Green Room since December (LAST YEAR), so let's see what we can do!

First of all, I love how in love Anatole is. What's even better for this story however, is the disappointment he faces when his love sorta blows him off! I flt really bad for him, but on the other hand I hardly know him or Natalie so maybe there was a good reason for this, and maybe the MC just has a lot to learn before he ends up with his real true love.

I found all the names a little confusing- actually a LOT confusing. We were introduced to 5+ characters without really being introduced to them, and what this does is it makes the reader confused as to who is who- which names belong to which characters? Who's talking? Which one is his love and which is his sister?- These are the questions that result from introducing characters too fast without really letting us know who they are and what relevance they have being introduced then. My advice is that when you introduce a character, give us a little info on them- this is so-en-son's friend, mother, etc-- and then sometimes it helps to give the MC's impression/opinion of that person based on passed encounters, this way us the readers can start to develop our own ideas on characters and distinguish them from the other characters.

The other thing that helps eliminate confusion when it comes to characters and who is who- is simple to introduce less characters. Ask yourself Why is this character being introduced now? Is it completely necessary? Does it makes sense? Am I confusing my readers? What is the purpose of me introducing them now? First chapters are confusing enough as it is a lot of times- we're jumping into a new story, with strangers and strange situations and sometimes even new worlds/civilisations/cultures/etc. So it's very important to keep the first chapter as clear and to the point as possible, with a handful of distinguished, intriguing characters. Otherwise people get confused and have no idea what's happening or who's who and don't always feel like reading on. And I'm not trying to be mean at all- you know how many times I've introduced a ton of characters in my stories? Too many to count! As writers we tend to get excited and want to share our characters with everyone right away!- but it's not always the best idea. c:

Another thing I wanted to mention is that I wasn't entirely sure what the countess would be doing in the sister's bedchamber- are they long-lost buddies? I feel like the sister was not too fond of her, based on the way she talked about her to the MC. I thought that the sister took her away to sorta turn the woman against her brother, but still I don't think the countess would hang out in the sister's bedchamber for a long period of time when she has a ball to attend! There was a lot of duties and responsibilities for people of higher rank to do at those types of events, and people would probably start wondering where on earth she was! So I didn't find it very realistic that she was in there. I could see something like the sister just hogging the love-interest's attention most of the evening by talking with her, but in the ballroom or garden or something, not the sister's bedchamber.

Anyways, this was a lovely read and I'm interested to see what else you're planning on doing with it! I always love stories with balls and dresses and back-stabbing-traitors and fun stuff like that! c: Keep it up!

-Socks




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456 Reviews


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Tue Jan 16, 2018 6:48 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm not familiar with Danatole (I'm assuming that's a ship name) but I saw this in the green room and thought I'd give it a review, because it has yet to have any. Hopefully my lack of knowledge of this universe won't take away from the review.

Onwards!

"My sweet brother! You truly are infatuated with this little (she said the word with spite) girl! As you said, I went to her house this morning to invite her, on your behalf of course, but she didn't seem too... interested."


The narration in parantheses in the middle of the dialogue is... *kinda* weird. Normally, I don't think you would do this (because it's technically still in quotes, and it also reads a bit unprofessional). I would probably change it so it just takes a break from the sentence all together, so it could be something like this:

"My sweet brother! You truly are infatuated with this little girl!" She said this last word with spite, and continued.


All right, so! I feel as if I'm thrust in this world so quickly and with not much support or backing. I often feel this when I'm reading fanfiction, and it's because the readers typically already know the characters so the author doesn't need to bother introducing them much. I totally get that, though it definitely would be nice not only for unfamiliar readers if there was a bit more of an introduction into the piece. It definitely feels like I'm plopped right into the scene.

Other than that, though, I didn't have many complaints! The description of Natalie was extremely gorgeous and everything she did/how she was described was sooo beautiful. This whole part here had beautiful imagery, and I felt like I could really imagine the characters:

She was wearing a long white dress, with lace, that so contrasted her perfect skin. An easy smile settled on her lips as she almost flew into the now crowded room.

Anatole rushed forward from his place at the door to meet her. He grabbed her arm and bowed deeply, kissing her delicate, gloved hand. A small, almost controlled blush spread across her cheeks. That is, until she looked up and blushed scarlet.


Anyway, I think that's it for my review! :) I hope this was helpful for you, and let me know if you have any questions!

~EternalRain





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