My Undying Search

Heya there.

First off, let's take a look at the format of your poem. I'm a little confused about what kind of rhythm or meter you're using - there doesn't seem to be a lot of similarity in the lengths of lines, or the flow of the language. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say you probably just put them at whatever length you felt like, and stuck the line breaks in places that seemed vaguely 'poetic.' Unfortunately what that means is that you're missing out one of the most important aspects of poetry, its form. Instead, what you have is basically a piece of prose with random line breaks. Now, there's nothing wrong with writing prose, but it has its own set of rules and techniques, and you haven't really applied them either: no, you need to understand the basics of form and structure before you'll progress much further with poetry.

As has been said, your vocabulary is indeed impressive. Be careful, however, that you don't let your destroy that natural flow: "Fathomable only as my banished desires" is a good example of where you've just tried something to complicated for the poem to bear - it's intelligent, yes, but it doesn't sound poetic, it just sounds like a mess of a line.

Certainly you have all the tools at your disposal for writing good poetry, but you do need to get a handle on poetic techniques, form and structure especially. Good luck: I hope we'll see more of you.

I also like the sand castle analogy. This was a really good poem and the vocabulary even better. I loved the message too. It's true!! Just live life and be the best person you can be and you will eventually find him/her. One problem: Space it out!!

My love can be but a sand castle,
A mighty fortress in appearance,
But a decrepit heap of sand thrown about by the sea.
That amour that once existed is nothing but a memory, - NICE metaphor
Plastered about my walls
And carelessly thrown into the flaming pit
Fathomable only as my banished desires.
What is love but a curse of beauty
That is visible only in the eye of the beholder?
That demoralizing curse which my soul hath not seen nor experienced.
Then why do I desire it so?
True love is nothing but a myth,
An overly used excuse to better ones relationship
To possibly become more intimate.
Then what is that of a soul mate?
It cannot be possible to have two people be meant for each other.
If it is, one could spend most of their life searching for THE one;
That seemingly perfect match that exists only in a fairytale.
If that is so, then what is life but an undying search for that one true love,
That Soul Mate.

Wow. So true. It explains everything in life about that subject really. Its not true love, you just have a soul mate. But why should you waste your life looking for them? It maybe worth it, but let life go by and enjoy it.
I loved this poem a lot. If your vocabulary was any bigger your head would probably explode.
LOVED IT!
KEEP WRITING!
This bitter soul longs for that dream,
That fairytale love,
That soul mate.

I like the part about the sandcastle. However, I was a little confused. Is "my love" referring to your love for another person, or another person's love for you?

Also, I was a little confused by the lack of stanzas and consistency in line breaks. You jump around ideas a couple times, and this is difficult to read when it's all in a block. Stanzas are kind of like paragraphs, organizing your poem and making it flow better.

Mainly, however, I'm worried that your subject matter is too large. Love is a big topic, and attempting to cover it in a tiny poem is basically impossible. I would refocus it, maybe on a specific relationship. Or maybe expand on that sandcastle idea, because that's kind of interesting.

By refocusing and remembering to create stanzas, I think you can make this a lot better. Keep writing!