How can I love you
When you have caused so many tears to run down my cheeks?
How can I love you
When these tears are not tears of joy, rather tears of agony and pain?
How can I love you
When you have hurt me so?
How can I love you
When you have caused me so much pain?
The truth is,
I can't.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
I think you could cut out "run down my cheeks". That messes up the rythem of it and when I was reading, it was hard to go to the next line.
Besides that, I liked this. The very end I thought was really good about how you started each line with "How can I love you" and then the very end says "I can't" I loved that.
Keep up the good work!
Wow! This was really good! Beside the things the others found I really liked it!!
Keep it up! ~Lulu
^_^ Hola. Nice poem, but I feel that somehow feel it lacks emotion. Maybe because though you mention tears, you don't explain the feeling of hurt or the causes. It seems very repetitive, in a way, since you're basically just saying 'How can I love you when you're hurt me so much?'.
BUT, don't take my opinion too seriously. =P I don't write poetry much, so I analyze it the way I do stories. =P It's actually nice, just not my style. *has determined she doesn't love repetition much*
I might cut down on the number of times you use 'tears'. "When these are not tears of joy, but rather tears of agony and pain?"
Sorry for being unhelpful!
First of all, I'm Mark. I notice you have sbmitted work the same amount as you have reviews. Please could you keep to a 2:1 ratio please!
OK, on to the crit:
I loved the last two lines, they are great, simple and excellently draw a close to the piece. It is a nice and short poem, and the repetition is quite effective. However, there is a
BUT!...
I say that, because there is a horrible lak of rhythm.
This work better as two lines, or shortened, like so:
"When you have caused so many tears?"
The last bit is a bit irrelevant and adds to the poem bulk. Same goes with the second line, but I think the rest are fine.
Although love is the most cliched poetry theme of them all, I think the way that you shed a different light on it gives an excellent understanding.
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~