Published January 25, 2010
Dandelion
The dandelion that I’ve blown
has carried away my life.
One for wishes,
Two for needs,
Three for wantings,
Four for cares.
Guided up by magnetic skies
Beyond the horizon of my conscience’s reach.
They’ve left me liberty, bound me free
So I lie in the grass and forget how to breathe.
The clouds play a drama of other lives,
Forming, fading, merging, gone.
I lie on my back and watch those faces
Specters of an age I’ve never seen.
I lie on my back and watch those skies
Wasting my seconds and years away
Because I’ve blown the dandelion seeds
Out of my being without a goodbye.
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hey guys, thanks for the critiques.
I'll fix that too.
I wasn't actually trying to rhyme. I'm not sure where exactly you guys see the rhymes, but if all of you think so, I guess there is something wrong with the flow.
Spell-check said that "wantings" was not a real word, but I was hoping it was wrong.
Hey there. Nice poem! It's pretty good.
Work on rhyming. A lot.
I do, however, have some critiques...including your...
Rhyming. Not good. Seems forced in more than a few places. I could easily think of sentences that would fit better, and you want the reader to see your poem as flawless and written as best as possible.
Also, I might say that wishing and wanting are indeed the same thing like another person mentioned. So...er, that's not right.
Tataaaaa,
Mizz
I liked this poem. I kind of expected something a bit cliched about the dandelion, but you were rahter unique in your approach. I really liked this line:
Great imagery!
As for a critique, I have to agree with Dreamy, at times it did appear as if you were trying to rhyme and other times it was like, where is the rhyme? If the rhyme happened accidently, that's fine, perhaps reword it so that the pattern is more cohesive. My other critique is this stanza:
First of all, I'm really sure that wantings is an actual word and if it is, it really didn't fit here. Secondly, isn't wishing and wanting basically the same thing? Other than that, good job! Keep writing, you have obvious talent.
This was really cool. My only issue was your rhyming. Was it supposed to rhyme? Because it didn't, really. If it wasn't, then the beginning of your phrases need a little rewording.I love your wording otherwise,and your descriptions. Great poem overall.
--Dreamy115