Published December 10, 2010
Polished peel rounds a burnished burst
Of hybridized cloying Clementine
An oblong spheroid in curving orbit
Between and beneath the creviced terrain
(Still foreign to the heels of time)
Of an adolescent’s palm.
Spheroid spins through fantasy days
and years in the warmth of the human grip
and boy wonders if he should let fly
the imported bit of tropic flame
away from his graying pubescent face.
(Clementine cries that she promises sweet,
Though she gleams artificiality.)
The axis spins in blurred rapidity--
It is only the surface he scratches, scars--
It is only the surface where fragrance lies.
Clementine fades to dusky ochre.
The adolescent’s fingers play (fidget)--
His palm crushes the reminiscence
(His eyes sting blades of Clementine tears)
In the bitter shards of wrinkled peel.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
Hi there,
First off, I am so impressed with the cleverness of this topic. Your description and the imagery you use to describe this mundane happenstance makes it sparkle, and I appreciate that. I love the contrast of the boy simply eating the clementine and the sophisticated vocabulary that describes it. It's a refreshing style.
To go off of what Sam said, I do think that "shards" is maybe not the best word choice for the last line. I can see what kind of negative connotation you're trying to use, but maybe "strips" would work just as well? Just a thought. Also, I actually like the internal cadence of each line, even though it doesn't always flow perfectly together. I think the poem is eccentric enough to pull off not having perfect continuity from line to line.
I don't really have much else to say other than "good job" and "I like this piece." Thanks for sharing!
Hiya Clem!
This was alright. Well-executed vocabulary, although I disliked the fact that you used "spheroid" twice. The first stanza was my favorite, and I loved:
However, I disliked the second and last stanzas. They seemed discontinuous and broken -- they didn't seem to flow well at all. So I would work on that.
Also, in your last stanza: How can fruit husks be considered shards? They aren't jagged or sharp in any way. I just thought I'd point that out for your consideration. Correct me if I've completely mistaken your meaning, though.
Sorry this review is so short. Overall, this was a pretty good piece, with a couple instances of great imagery. Keep it up!
Sincerely,
Sam