Published June 26, 2010
Her hand cups reverent the ivory piece
Its shadow large above the board
Where looms her haloed knight gallant
Castle for protection
And she poises for attack.
He lets his eyes survey the field
Not below but in her face
He reads a hint of proud belligerence
Ebony pawn
He shifts one forward.
She reads his movements, his hands deliberate
A tiger waiting between the vines
She dares to reveal her plan and moves
Queen biting
She blunders ahead.
He, a weathered fisherman smiles
Knowing well, he sacrifices bait
And lures in the passionate soul
Pawns discreet
He counts the time.
She strikes fast with soul intent
Adrenaline blinds her quick-thinking mind
Her eyes only see what they wish to reflect
King exposed
She follows the trap.
He, knowing well the fate of the board
Wonders what he has taught her to do
His smile does not reach up to his eyes
Lovely queen doomed
All innocence too.
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
This was awesome! Apart from a few of the things Ben mentioned, I really enjoyed this. I suppose that's because my sister and I play chess occasionally, and this reflects our tactics very well.
One thing I would suggest, however, would be to make the rest of the poem similar to the first stanza. It somehow stands apart from the rest. I think it's how you word certain things that really gets me, and I would love to see more of that.
Sorry for the unhelpful review. :/
Nice poem regarding an age old game, yet I can't help but to feel something much deeper then a game of strategy.
Nevertheless the flow of the poem was smooth and without any bumps.
Flawless ill keep a look out for more of your work1
-Dawn
Hey there!
The most prominent vibe I get from this poem of yours is from the first stanza.
The words in bold show that you use a wide range of vocabulary for each line and this creates the effect of a surreal and impressionist image, which holds a strong sense of clarity to it. It's almost as though you're taking your reader and pulling them into a dream about the game. It was a truly wonderful hook! The line lengths weren't long and dwelling, the piece is well controlled and the language is fluent so well done.
However, from then on I don't feel the same affect. I don't think this is due to the use of words getting any worse, because your vivid imagery is quite consistent through out, not to mention your great ending:
This reinforces that dream world, gives the pieces of the chess board a personality and even allows people to relate the game to a situation they're experiencing themselves. By getting your readers to empathise with what your narrating shows you truly have an excellent talent.
The problems occur in the middle, where things seem a little off-beat compared to the rest of the poem. Still surreal, yes, but in a different context. It's more aggressive. Such as your reference to the "tiger" and use of "blunders". These words, to me, don't feel comfortable with the surrounding lines. To improve this, I'd try and subtle down on the aggressiveness, perhaps make it more implicit? But hey! This could merely be a lone opinion.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
Ben
That's quite nice. I like the way you create a chess board inside my mind. If this poem does anything, it's make the reader want to play chess. Love it.
Ah, this piece is excellent.
Mine name is Day, and I shall give you a simple review of your amazing piece. First I would just to express that you have presented a magnificent scene for the reader. One primary cause for your success with this poem is the descriptive adjectives and phrases you used throughout the poem. My favorite stanza of the poem was this one...
The reason for me favoring this stanza is that you incorporated a metaphor perfectly which come few and far between in poems. Overall the poem is brilliant and well done.
~Day
I like this story and the contrast between the tactics of the two players. I get the feeling that she is young and intellectual, but he is older and wiser?
Anyway, one line that seemed a little odd was:
I don't know exactly why... "quick-thinking" seems awkward; a word or synonym of "sharp" or "quick" might work better.
I think this is cool; it's really clever and well-written, and contains a lot of dramatic imagery that makes it stand out. The way you present it makes it really bold, like an actual duel or battle rather than a game of chess. Really I don't have much to say, other than the fact that I think this is a really good piece.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver