Julian saw her like a ray of light, the glowing halo that formed during an eclipse. She was the sunlight that peeked through the wall of clouds on an overcast day. There was nothing that Julian could compare her to that did her justice.
She was perfect.
If she was the sun, then Julian was a black hole, sucking up every last bit of light until everything was dark. She had thought this during a fight with her mother. Screaming. Glass shattering. A stinging slap to her cheek. Then the thought came. I’m no good. I am a black hole, sucking everything good from the world.
Julian knew better than to leave while her mother was in a rage. Running away would just hurt her more later. When her mother was done, Julian picked herself up and dragged herself to the bathroom. Her bare, bleeding feet recoiling at the cold tile. She sat herself on the edge of the tub with a pair of tweezers, trying to dig out the pieces of glass embedded into her foot.
Her hands shook as she pulled each sliver of glass out, a tiny trickle of blood following each piece after it came out. She wrapped her foot with an ace bandage and limped over to the bathroom mirror.
Her face was pale, highlighting the dark bags under her watery eyes. The harsh bathroom light cast dark shadows on her face, sharpening her already pointed features. A dark bruise was already beginning to form on her cheek and blood oozed from broken skin. She licked her lips and tasted coppery blood, a choked sob escaped from her throat. Julian drowned out her weeping by running the sink, washing the blood away with chilly hands.
Even though it was only six, Julian went to bed. She crawled under cold sheets and lay shivering until she drifted off into sleep.
The next morning, her mother was gone. She left no note. She left no sign that she had even been there to begin with. Not that she ever had. Julian’s mother didn’t live, she drifted, occasionally falling into rages if she so much as noticed Julian. So Julian drifted too. Drifting, rather than living, seemed to run in the family.
She showered and washed away the cold sweat, the dried blood streaking her feet, she washed away all traces of her mother’s touch. She even tried to wash away the bruise, an old habit from elementary school. But her bruises never washed away, they stayed to remind her to stay away from her mother. Although Julian never seemed to remember.
All the way to school, she drowned out the happy chatter with the sound of her own echoing silence. She waited, the straps of her bookbag digging into her too-thin shoulders. Then Julian saw her. That ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. The sun, the moon, the stars. The whole galaxy.
“Marisol,” Julian said, by way of greeting. Her voice was husky from disuse. She had barely spoken since Monday.
Marisol’s eyes lit up and her smile was almost blinding, “Hi, Julie!” Then her face shattered, Julian could almost hear the pieces crashing to the floor. “What happened to your face?” Even though Marisol asked, she already knew the answer.
Out of nowhere, Marisol gripped Julian’s wrist and began pulling her. “Marisol!” Julian shouted, hating the looks she got. “What are you doing?”
“I’m getting you out of there.”
Julian blinked. Marisol shone so brightly right then. She burned hotter than a supernova. She was so bright that even Julian couldn’t consume her light.
Marisol marched her to the guidance counselor’s office. The door was closed, but Marisol didn’t knock. She just barged in, black hair streaming behind her. The counselor was talking to someone, but with one look at Marisol’s eyes she dismissed the student.
Marisol thrust Julian in front of her. “Tell her, Julie. I don’t want to have to say it.” Even though her eyes were fierce, her voice trembled like she couldn’t bear to even say it aloud.
Julian turned her cheek and pointed to the purple bruise marring it, “My mom did this,” she murmured. Before anyone could say anything else, Julian sat down in one of the chairs placed in the office. Gingerly, she slipped off her sneaker and peeled off her sock, revealing the bandage she had wrapped around it. She unraveled the strip of cloth to reveal the wounds on her foot. “She threw a glass at me. She missed but I stepped on it.”
Julian slowly revealed all of the old bruises, scabs, and scars. Soon a police officer was called, they tried to make Marisol leave but Julian wouldn’t let her.
She retold the story and answered his questions. “We’ll get you out of there,” he promised.
Julian looked at Marisol. She was a star. Bigger than the sun, the moon, the stars. She was a supernova. And Julian was no longer a black hole.
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139,858 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hi there! I'm here for the review you requested.
My first thoughts on the introduction was first, that it was a little overdramatic (that sort of imagery is better to introduce once we've already got to know the characters and can see how it fits into the story) and also that I had no idea who the person Julian was talking about was. This, I think, is a problem, because Marisol doesn't even come into the story until more than halfway through, so most of the time I was thinking Julian was talking about her mother, which just didn't make sense.
I'd like to know how Julian supports herself if her mother just up and leaves a lot like that. Are they on government support? Does Julian go out and buy food and stuff when her mother isn't functional? Although you probably don't have a lot of time here to get into all the details, hinting at that sort of thing would help her situation to feel more fleshed out.
I think my biggest critique is that it feels like there's no middle to this story. We learn how her mother is the problem and then bam, next scene Marisol drags her to the counselor's office and the story's over, everything fixed. We didn't get to spend any time with Marisol or get to know her at all beside this one action. There was also no character arc for Julian - we don't know why she hadn't tried to get help before, nor do we see how her relationship with Marisol develops. It feels like we're missing whole discussions/arguments with her and Marisol about her mother.
You need to spend that time in the middle so we as the reader can get emotionally invested into the story and so it feels like it has a good arc, a logical progression, both character and plot-wise. Your beginning and ending are honestly very good, but there's no substance to back it up.
I just wanted to say that I really liked this line.
This is a comma splice - where two complete sentences are joined together with only a comma. I saw several throughout the piece, so watch out for those, especially since you're entering this into a contest.
That's all I've got for this! Thanks for requesting a review, and good luck on your contest! I think you have a pretty strong piece so far, and probably a pretty good chance of placing or winning.
Hi!!
. You could even go into the office in more detail but I really love how you make the counselor and school kinda of 'blurry' or 'unimportant' as Julian is so focused on Marisol.
I love this story! So descriptive and powerful but yet really beautiful... This review will be pretty short because I honestly don't have a lot to say
Beautiful diction and I love your comparison of Marisol to the sun and how it develops over the course of the story (btw I see what you did there mariSOL). However, in my personal opinion the flow of the story is sort of changed when it gets to the end of the story. It feels a bit rushed and your previously beautifully descriptive tone is abandoned to a certain extent. If this is your intention, you are doing it very well and kudos to you, however I would consider revising and adding a bit more imagery (maybe focus on the feeling of Marisol, more on her appearance, her 'aura etc
Overall excellent story!! I wish you the best and really hope you continue to write!
Best wishes,
Maya
Hello,
Wow! This is exceptionally good. Fantastic, even.
So many things to like about it—I'm not entirely sure where to begin. I guess I'll start with your imagery, because I'm a sucker for imagery and yours is particularly lush and beautiful. I really enjoyed how your descriptions were succinct but still retained their absolute loveliness—they were vivid and striking. Possibly my favorite part of the piece. All the analogies you used made sense and fit together well. I loved, loved, loved the bit where you spoke about Julian's mother "drifting" rather than living—that was incredibly well-written, beautifully expressed. Just fantastic.
The flow's excellent. Each part connects to the next with expert finesse; nothing feels disjoined or out of place. It really seems we're being carefully guided through a very thoughtful, very moving piece. The transitions are smooth, and the ratio of action to description to dialogue to thoughts is practically perfect.
The taste we get of the characters is enough for them to be memorable, to have a certain spark and life. I also think how you addressed the matter of Julian's mother's abuse was flawless, with just the right amount of subtlety and consideration. The tone of the piece—melancholy, full of longing, full of gray—was absolutely flawless; you nailed it.
I really can't say enough good things about the piece, because it's just wonderful. Captivating. I could use a million adjectives and it still wouldn't be sufficient—so I might as well skip over to nitpicks.
This should be italicized.
Either change "recoiling" to "recoiled," or leave it as-is and connect these two sentences with a comma.
I'd change this to:
"Her hands shook as she pulled [out] each sliver of glass, a tiny trickle of blood following [every] piece."
You use "dark" three times in a row here. As I said, your descriptions and analogous talents are top-notch, but you've gotta work on varying your language a bit.
Change the comma to a semicolon.
There should be a period or semicolon following "feet," not a comma.
Change the comma following "shattered" to a semicolon.
There should be a comma after "eyes."
She literally just said she couldn't say it, and then you add that it was like she couldn't say it. That would be comparable to writing, "Abigail said, 'I don't want to sit there after you spilled all that food,' and it was almost as if she didn't want to sit there after they spilled all that food."
Redundancy alert!
The comma following "marring it" should be a period.
The comma following "called" should be a semicolon.
So, overall? This is an awesome short. Pretty much everything about it is great. Great, great, great. As I said, I could go on and on, but I'll spare you the sickly-sweet praise.
Well done!
Thanks so much! I'm going to enter this in a contest (that I got second in last year. Watch out first place, here I come!). Because I'm entering it, I really want to polish it up. I'll definitely take your corrections into mind when I edit this.
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
Ah, so we meet again! To be completely honest, i like this piece better than "Broken Bridges", which is the last piece of yours that i reviewed, not because it was necessarily better written, but because i like the genre more. But, overall, this was a well written story. You continue to have good details and figurative language. One line i liked in particular was "... her face shattered, Julian could almost hear the pieces crashing to the floor." It's so unique, and i think you used it perfectly.
Now, time for some suggestions. The first thing that confused me in this piece was Julian's gender. "Julian" tends to be a male name, although Wikipedia says some females have the name too, but i have only ever heard it as a male name. In my opinion, i think you should change the name so that the characters gender is clearer. You can use Julianne or Julienne, which our both very similar but clearly more feminine, or change it all together.
The next thing that i thought might need some adjustment are the comparisons of Marisol to the sun and Julian to a black hole. The comparison of Marisol seems to work here, although i think it could be elaborated a little, but i don't understand the comparison of Julian. What is she sucking light from? Why? How? In both cases, i feel as if the comparisons are a bit cliche. You see a lot of comparisons to suns and stars in literature, and to black holes, too, but this didn't bring any new or interesting information to the table. If you could elaborate a little bit more on these comparisons, get even MORE detail in, they would probably really help to contribute to the story.
Other than that, this looks pretty good! i enjoyed your descriptions and figurative language, just look into changing those comparisons. If you have any questions about them, please, just ask me for help or clarification.
herbgirl
Could you elaborate on how the comparisons with Julian and Marisol are a bit cliche? I was trying to show Julian's view of herself and Marisol. She almost idolizes Marisol and doesn't think she even deserves to be around her. Thanks for the review!