Published April 21, 2008
Dance!
with all your pent-up energy and laugh.
Release!
the pain that no one knows is there and smile.
Rejoice!
bathe in the sun’s rays and feel its warmth on your face.
Baby, there is but one life
and I pray you will
see the stars in our day sky.
Dance!
with all the love you feel inside and laugh.
Release!
these thoughts that are held close and smile.
Rejoice!
turn and run under the sky’s face and be in it’s embrace.
Baby, there is but chance to live
and I pray you will
see the jewels of this world, there and beneath.
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141,699 Literary Works • 675,580 Reviews
Wow, guys. Thanks for the crits.
I'll touch it up
Peace
Inky
Very nice. I think the title fits very well with the piece, Also, your emotion and personification are very well done.
My only problem is that your secod stanza sounds very much like the first one. I had to skim through the first one really quick to clarify I wasn't reading the same thing. Just my opinion, but i think you should've rephrased the second stanza, just so they don't sound too similar.
Ahh, another great piece. Thanks for sharing. Shall I look for more?
I love the style. It's quite creative and you keep the same style through out, which is good.
I only have one critique. In line four you have "the pain that no one knows is there and smile" written. I like the overall idea of it, but maybe you might want to pick a better word than "pain."
I think "anguish" is a good replacement, and I also think you should take away the "that."
So something along the lines of...
As for the rest, great job, ink_on_fire. Way to go :]
Very neat... and dramatic. ^_^ I can imagine this as a song with a very strong beat that I'd play over and over.
Yes, that means I like it.
I don't get the title... maybe that's just me though.
Anyway it's a great piece, but I do agree that splitting it up would work better. Also, I've always been taught that its as in belonging to it has no apostrophe. So it should read
'bathe in the sun’s rays and feel its warmth on your face.'
And do you mean 'there is but one chance to live'?
I love it so a star from me as well. Keep writing,
Bkwrm
Wow Elsie some decent poetry today. I've not much to say it's it's in quote. It would be better split up like that, structually. Overall: A intriqueing and rather original work. It earned a star from me.
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Listening to: Amber Pacific - Everything We Were Has Become
via FoxyTunes