*I watched a TV show which followed a similiar story line and I wanted to re-construct it*
‘You cheating bitch!’
The empty car park echoed my words, and rolled them through the still cool air like grey smoke.
She stepped forward and tried to put her arms around my waist, but I grabbed her hands and threw them off me, still yelling.
‘No, don’t touch me! Fuck off bitch!’
I turned sharply and walked away from her, listening to her lies fling off my back.
‘Wait, I do love you. I’m sorry, Baby. Baby!’
Her hands grabbed my hand, flung me around, and then held my face. She looked into my eyes before I could wring my head out of her reach.
‘No, fuck off! Leave me alone, bitch. You don’t love me or you wouldn’t have done this fucking shit to me! You don’t love me! Fuck off!’
The gravel grated under my shoes. I tried to get out of her reach but everytime I turned around she was there, so beautiful – lying to my face.
‘What the fuck! You still following me bitch? Fuck off, bitch.’
‘No, wait! Baby, I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Baby!’
She stopped chasing me as I swung around and faced her.
The car park wasn’t empty anymore. I watched her appear from behind a single car.
‘What the fuck! Is this the bitch you cheated with? You fucking bitch, you cheated with my friend?’
My head was in a blur – I was so angry my eyes were too sharp, the opposite of blurring over.
I screamed at my friend and pointed at my girlfriend.
‘You want this bitch? Have her! Get her the fuck away from me! I worshipped the fucking ground she walked on! D’you know that bitch? She was my fucking idol!’
She came back with an equal fury.
‘I worship the ground she walks on now! She’s not yours anymore. Deal with it someplace else, girl!’
‘Hey, stop it! I’m sorry, Baby!’
She walked over to my friend and held her in her arms, kissing her like she did to me once. The beautiful irony of life seeped into me and I looked away.
I wasn’t stopped as I left the car park. I wasn’t stopped when I walked onto the bridge. And no body stopped me from watching the last of my air bubbles rise up to the surface of the river.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
It was pretty good. As was said you don't have to use SO much cussing. But everyone's pretty much caught it all. It did confussing for a little while, and I'm not sure someone could be so mean. But other tehn that it was good. There was somethign I wanted to point out. But there wasn't anything else I really saw.
Use " instead of '.
Other then that it was good.
TNC
This was okay. You used "f**k" too many times, though, so it wore off the effect. Eleven times is too much. Maybe five or six times would show the anger better. The same goes with "b***h."
I can get a pretty decent idea of the narrator. However, there is still a lot of ambiguity. What is the narrator's name? What is the cheating girl's name? How old are they? There is quite a few questions I still have after reading this.
Overall this was a pretty good read. A little bit of work can polish this up a whole lot better, though.
Hope this helps :]
- Summerless
I liked this I just would have liked to know maybe a little bit more of what the narrator was thinking, the exact emmotions. Then maybe you could have described the actual suicide more and added some dramatic effects. I liked the ending though about no one watching the air bubbles, that was really good. It also had good emmotion as far as anger and betrayal. I think there could have been a little less cussing, I mean cussing can be very effective but when overly used it just sounds stupid and like you couldn't think of anything else to put. I liked you using the word "bitch" as the identity of the cheater but since you really only used two cuss words over and over it was a little excessive. I like how short it was but at the same time would have liked there to be a little more. Keep writing!
Um...what?
Honestly, I was confused through most of it. You know, you could replace some of that strong language with strong emotion. Yeah, I get the point, "anger, cuss, cuss, cheater, RAWR!" But honestly, that didn't do it for me. Rarely does dialogue alone create a mood or setting. Think of it this way:
You want to paint your room dark purple, but your parents say you cant, that you can paint it a lighter shade, and accent the room with the color you want. So you do what they say, and paint the walls light gray, and accent it with dark purple.
Gray was the description, you can't go without it; and purple was the dialogue, the happy extra, which was what you really wanted in the first place.
So, add some gray to this. I know cheating is more than string of profanities lodged in with confusion.
Good luck!
-JC
Lol, well the show I based it off was actually called Cheaters. It was an American reality show on SBS. The episode was about this girl getting the cameras on her cheating girlfriend.
Glad you enjoyed. To be honest, Ive never written something like this before so it was a new, very new.
Peace V
Inky
Yeah, I understand where your coming from, trying to get the emotion across with dialogue. It gets the point across, and I understand like her anger and how mad she is. It is very different but I did really enjoy it. It makes me kinda want to watch the TV show you based it off of.
-Hope
this is really like...i cant think of the word.
its good !
most defaintly, but it's "rough" kind of.
its really good though.
kudos [:
Maybe you should have made the dialogue and the narration sound a bit more like the same person. Her thoughts were too melancholy when compared to the dialogue, and the dialogue was too angry when compared to the narration.
Anyway, nice work! I really like the end, when nobody stops her. It tops the whole thing off perfectly sadly.
Yeh I see the lack of description but I was aiming to bring emotion and the scene across via dialogue. I left the description out on purpose. Also, the F-word...I agree it sounds repetitve. But it's natural. It was less than what this girl on TV was saying, and basically the whole 20 mins was her screaming 'F**k off bitch!' . I watered it down abit but yeh...I can see what you mean.
I really liked this, I think it was wirtten well and had very good dialogue. But I also think the F-word was used a little too much and I think that you should switch it up a little.
Maybe a little more description, you know tell about the surroundings and what they were looking like. Get what I'm saying?
I thought it was very very good.
The way you wrote it is definitely unusual, very poetic-like but nonetheless I enjoyed it. Held me wanting to kick the crap out of that cheater. LOL
Another, I thought the repetition was very significant and different. It accentuated the annoying lies that kept being thrown into the story. I used much repetition with my poetry because they annoy some people--it gets them to think of it and emote on about. Then realize why I used it, because it needed anger from them, it was significant.
SO I applaud you for that. Cheers!
<3 JACE--*Nate waving his stubby hands*
Nice story.
Although the cursing fits into the story I think you over did it with the repetition. Maybe changing up the B * * * * to some other curse/ insult.