unclaimed hours in a world of commotion
people bustle from ocean to ocean
sapphire lights against inky blue sky
all we can do is try and retry
smoke billows up into antelope clouds
sucked in by figures of siren wrought crowds
faces breathe in, crystal wind rushes past
for this glassy breath, it just might be
the last.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,414 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Great poem you have here, but I think you can make it so much better. I need improvement in my writing, and everyone does. So with a little help from friends we can make it work together.
Please don't take anything I say personally, I'm not trying to be harsh or mean, so I'm sorry if I sound harsh, please don't take this the wrong way. Thanks.
Let's start simple..
Capitalization: You have no capitalization what so ever. How do we know when a sentence starts? What? Okay, so you should capitalize every line in the stanza. Examples are shown below.
You wrote
You should capitalize every line in a poem... Like this.
Okay you should really go back and edit this poem, try to make it better. I know you can, try it.
Next thing...
Punctuation: Okay we have a little problem here. There's no punctuation in this poem at all. Your readers will not know when there is a sentence or a pause. There are no periods or commas at all.
If you need help with this or anything else in this review, please send me a private message or reply with questions. I will be happy to help you with anything you need. Please just ask someone. Anyone. We can answer your questions.
Anyway back to the review...
Here's the good part of the review..
Okay you had a great rhyming scheme. I really liked it. You had wonderful rhyming.
Anyway, I really liked your poem, and I'm glad you decided to write one. Please keep writing and trying. Never stop writing.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Hey! There several things that I really like about this poem, one of which being the simple fact that it is not immediately clear what is going on in it. Your descriptions are stunning, and they really help create a good image in my mind of what is going on. I personally love big cities, and reading this conjures up images of the summers I have spent in them. But back to your poem. I do think you could reorganize your lines some so descriptions of the setting are more clearly together, but that is only a suggestion- it is completely up to you whether or not you take it, and the poem is great as-is if you choose not to. Keep writing!
Hey there! I see you just joined today. I joined a week ago so welcome fellow new member!
Anyways, despite the fact that I sometimes write really long pieces, I prefer short, but powerful poems. I cant decipher the meaning or intention of this work at the moment, but it stills breathes a poignant air; there's something about I like. Also, it is often that rhyming poems can sound off if structured incorrectly or written with poor word choice (I am guilty), but this not the case here. Your word choice is great, in my opinion, and the rhyming flows mostly throughout. However, the last line ended a little weird for. I felt like it needed something (punctuation?) to guide the flow into the next line. That being said, you have a work of art here.