“Delly, we’re here.” The soft voice of my mother in the passenger seat pulled me from a fitful doze, and I squinted out the car window as my father turned onto an avenue with a few scattered houses. I sat up from my slumped position in the back seat, watching as the cluster of oak trees at the end of the road grew closer. Just past a lonely street light, a driveway secluded in the shadows of the trees came into view, and we turned down the graveled trail. A creamy yellow house with a porch encircling its waist soon appeared - a lofty edifice, solemn against the darkening sky.
Once the car came to a stop in front of the porch steps, I scooped up my cat, who was curled up on the seat next to me. I gazed upward, noticing two brick chimneys that rose above the shingled roof like looming turrets, and the crisp evening air on my bare arms kindled a longing for the musky warmth of a fire. With a peeved meow and the back-to-back slams of the car’s doors, I followed my parents to the entrance of our new home.
*
The next morning, I watched from the grassy meadow behind my house as brilliantly-smeared fingerprints of orange and pink replaced an ascending curtain of indigo. Arches and whorls of staggered clouds ushered in the dawn. In minutes, the heat of the Georgia sun had reached my legs, unconcealed by the shade of the apple tree I sat under. I removed my boots and rolled up the hems of my khaki pants to just below my knees. Stretching my legs out, I wiggled my toes in the slight dew of the grass and pulled out a worn notebook from the leather messenger bag slumped next to me. Ignoring the loose papers that were strewn about, I took the pencil from behind my right ear and leafed through the filled pages until I found a clean sheet.
“I like those boots.” A sudden shadow obscured the late morning sun, and I looked up from my notebook to find an extremely tall boy, or at least he seemed to be from my perspective on the ground. Greasy handprints were smudged on his faded jeans, his right cheek, and the cracked skin of his palms. He wore a button-up that loosely hugged his chest and torso, with the first two or three buttons unfastened to reveal a white undershirt and a sheen of sweat across his collarbone. Wondering how he had snuck up without me noticing, I scanned my surroundings from east to west before returning my attention to him. “Where did you come from?”
He removed the dusty brown cowboy hat that had blocked the rays of daylight a few moments ago, revealing tousled brown hair tinged with wavering bronze underneath. “That house, over there,” he responded, gesturing towards a modest house near the edge of the forest. “I was in the mood for apples.” He raised a brow in a questioning expression, as if asking for permission to join me. I nodded, feeling conflicted between the notebook on my lap and the intriguing expression etched across his handsome face. “Feel free to help yourself.”
Grabbing an apple from the nearest branch, he placed the hat on the ground and took a seat next to me. He leaned against the trunk of the tree with his boots propped up on a root sticking out of the ground. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he shifted to take a knife out of his pocket and methodically peeled the apple skin. The shavings surrounded him like the loose papers were scattered around me.
“What’s this?” he asked, reaching for the sheet closest to him.
I grabbed the paper in his hand, standing to my feet to hide the burning in my cheeks. “Something private. Not for nosy strangers like you to read.”
My attempts at retreat were ignored, and an impish grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. He was enjoying this. “Where’re you off to?”
“My mother taught me not to talk to strangers,” I rebutted. My curtness seemed to only fuel him, and his way of plowing through, unfazed, was fascinating in an irritating way. Like a puppy that resorts to licking your hands when you cover your face from its slobbering tongue.
“Well, my momma told me to give helpless young ladies like you a hand when they make a mess of things.” Propping himself up on the ground with one knee bent and the other up under him, he extended his hand to me and the dimple in only his left cheek deepened. “So if we introduce ourselves, I suppose I can do just that and then we’ll both honor our mommas.”
I grinned, and took his hand. “Della Carthwight. Or just Delly.”
His handshake was confident and firm, and his brown eyes never strayed from mine. “It’s a pleasure, Delly. Name’s Grant.”
I started collecting the remainder of my scattered papers. “Grant what?” He stood up to ‘give me a hand,’ placing the last few sheets between my thumb and index finger before answering. “Just Grant, for now. Until I make my place in the world.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi there, Eloise!


As I understood, first attempt of writing a novel?
Whether that be a case or not, I'm always happy to see young writers write good things
It's nicely written, I like the descriptions - especially the fingerprints of orange and pink. The whole piece is rather descriptive, really, but you did it in a very good way, not disappearing in the meaningless descriptions of everything. That's good, it shows me somehow that you'll be able to keep that up for the rest of your novel
Now, I'm not a fan of YA novels very much (for now at least, it seems like one), and I usually roll my eyes on scenes in which future mutual love interests (or future friends, while the love interest will be someone else and one of them will be sad) meet in a 'he popped out of nowhere' way. Yet that's just me, and despite those rolling eyes, I usually read the book anyway xD
Back to the point, I didn't roll my eyes reading this one. ^^ I think you did a good job there, putting them in two houses rather close to each other, and giving him a reason (apples) to come near her.
I also like how you made him handsome, but still gave him those normal features, sense of humor and his teasing side, and those smudged greasy handprints.. For now, Delly doesn't seem like an empty-headed teenager who doesn't do anything and has no sense of herself, but also she isn't that girl who dislikes Grant just because. She seems like a normal girl, and he seems like a normal boy, and because of that it's easy to relate to them.
There's only one thing I think you may I improve.. See, this sentence(s):
“What’s this?” he asked, reaching for the sheet closest to him. I grabbed the paper in his hand, standing to my feet to hide the burning in my cheeks. “Something private. Not for nosy strangers like you to read.”
I would write like this:
“What’s this?” he asked, reaching for the sheet closest to him.
I grabbed the paper in his hand, standing to my feet to hide the burning in my cheeks. “Something private. Not for nosy strangers like you to read.”
As you see, I didn't do much, just separated it a bit - I did that because, if you keep it all together, it seems like the same person is speaking both the question and the answer, and that doesn't make much sense to me. I think, with separating it, it makes it more clearer for the readers, without loosing its form
I hope I said something that makes sense in all this. For sure, don't stop writing, you're very good at it! ^_^
Yours,
Aria
Hi, Eloise! Nice to meet you!
The first overall impression I got when reading this was "woah. She knows how to describe!" You write absolutely beautiful descriptions, Eloise (almost called you Delly!). For example:
I love it.
Just be careful that the story itself won't be shadowed by the lovely descriptions and images. It wasn't really the case here, but at some points I felt like it was a bit sluggish for a prologue, which is something that determines whether people will keep reading or not.
I also liked your characters. They seemed like real people, and not like annoying prototypes of "girl who is unnecessarily annoyed at boy although she's clearly attracted to him" and "boy who is attractive and knows it and smirks a lot", even though all the ingredients are there! I don't know how you managed to steer away from the annoyingness.
I'm quite intrigued to see what you have for us to offer. On one hand, I'm not sure if I can yet see what makes this different from all the other stories, but on the other hand, I kind of want to find out!
Demeter
x