Been writing raw stuff lately. Bad for aesthetics.
Admin message: Please do not use swear words outside of your work.
Hello, is this Jeremy? I'm calling
long distance and I hope this doesn't cost you.
I found a yellow pages today,
by my feet on the porch, when I was watering
peonies and thinking of you.
I knelt down in my dress and the water ran
into my lap, I flipped to Nashtown,
and cried just a little.
Hello, I know you're there,
Jeremy, do you remember somnolent evenings
of singing sad nightingales
and the spinning mad-mouthed fan in my ears?
I wouldn't sleep 'till it was morn;
I'd rather lie trembling close to your name.
Now you're two years older
and I've spent all my money on cigarettes.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I really love this poem! The way you told it was really cool and it was fun to read. The first stanza has a little uneven flow. Like they said above, trying reading it aloud. The last two lines are my favorite and I would love to read some more of your poems.
-xangeleighfshox
Hi there! I love love love love love love love this! I love how it was told. I love your voice. And most of all, I love the last two lines! I have just one little nitpick. In the first stanza, you don't have much regard for line breaks. You have too many commas. It's not flowing right. I think I may know how to fix this.
Read this stanza aloud, and skip over some words. Just say it as though you were actually calling Jeremy long distance. Write down what you hear. Since the poem is supposed to be dialogue, what you hear will be perfectly fine.
Oh, one more thing. Yellow Pages should be capitalized. It's a company.
All in all, excellent excellent excellent work! (It's gotta be pretty good to get three "excellent"s from me.)
Hey,
I like this poem. It made me laugh. I know that probably not your intention, but I'm just cynical like that.
I think it's length aids it so much, as it makes it feel like a message on an answering machine.
This is mt favourite bit. It just feels like the end. I kinda feel like she is going to kill herself or something like that. Very effective and very open to interpretation which is good in any poem.
The grammar is fine, I think.
Keep it up. Good work.
PM for anything.
~Retro Disco666