Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Prologue
My heart pummels against my ribs, trying to break free of the prison that is my body. I glare down at the smooth glass plate. A delicate pattern is carved around the edges, creating an aesthetic appeal. My hands shake as my fingers lightly grasp my fork.
My knee bounces up and down shaking the table slightly. They don't notice, nobody notices. I look up from my empty plate into the eyes of my family members that glow at me with glee. I smile back but all I can hear is the numbers.
352, 352, 352.
My head shoots up when my mother calls my name, it almost sounds like a whisper compared to my thoughts. I smile and she snaps a picture. I let my eyes wander towards the cake sitting dead center on the table and I swallow roughly.
Control, I tell myself.
352, 352, 352.
I close my eyes and calm my breathing. Then they start to sing. The unrhythmic voices of my family bounce around my head as they squelch ‘happy birthday’. I smile roughly and scoot farther back into the seat. I fill my lungs with air and puff out the candles when the last note of the song is sung. They cheer and clap and I let out a small laugh.
My father grabs my plate pulling it closer to the cake, he slides a giant knife straight down the middle, the frosting collapsing inward at just the slightest touch. He plops a large piece on my plate and slides it towards me.
My heart pounds louder and my eyes grow wide as I stare down at the piece. The inside almost looks like a sponge, so perfect and dark as mud. The frosting is smooth and glistens with the same brown color. I stab the slice with my fork, it slides easily through and I watch in fascination.
I scoop the smallest part of the cake onto my fork and bring it to my awaiting lips. The second my tongue touches the substance it melts in my mouth, flavors bursting against my taste buds. I chew slowly, my stomach turning in panic. Once the food is mush I swallow and feel it slide down my throat.
The voices are silent for a second before they come rushing back suddenly like water cascading from a broken dam.
Fat Pig.
I shove another bite into my mouth, complimenting my mother's baking.
You will love it even more when you wake up tomorrow, five pounds heavier.
I try to ignore the voices taunting me as my tear ducts fill up. I chuckle, wiping my eyes and try to tune out the grim words in my head as I shove the rest of my cake into my mouth.
I scrape the plate completely clean. I relax, setting down my fork as I glared down at my empty plate. My stomach churns and protrudes from over the buckle of my pants.
"May I excuse myself?" I ask after a few minutes. Once I get my reply, I quickly shuffle out of the room.
I head straight towards the silky covers of my bed and bury my face into the plump mattress. Tears well in my eyes and overflow as I bite back a scream.
Control. Too many calories. Control. 352, 352, 352.
After not being able to move for a few moments, yet they felt like an eternity, I jump up on my unsteady legs and get ready to work off the cake. My legs shake and quiver as I force my body to work and my lungs feel like they are about to explode. My limbs grow weary and weak. I collapse to the ground, breathing hard a soft wheeze in my breath. My heart pounding throughout my whole body and the world spinning.
I crawl into bed getting tangled beneath the sheets. My eyes flutter shut in exhaustion.
When my eyes close I see her face, a face so much like my own it makes me tremble. She's dead, I remind myself and I close my eyes shutting her out. The soft cushions of the bed comfort my plump stomach and I soon drift off into a restless sleep.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I'm in love with the way you write this. It really feels like you're inside her thoughts, and for once I'm okay with there not being really any character interaction with dialogue. My only thing is I wish it was longer, and I wish there was more to grasp onto. Having short chapters can make the reader grow bored, but with your writing it may not. I just like reading thick books with huge chapters. I want to be more invested within the character, and I feel like you'll be able to do that for me.
Hey there! Thanks for requesting a review in my thread, and I really apologize this took so long to get to - life kicked me hard this week. I'll try to be more prompt in the future.
I really liked this. I think it's a good start to your story for several reasons. You lead right in with a conflict and the main character. I already feel like I know him/her (even though I don't know their gender yet, technically, though I'm guessing girl. Also, the Happy Birthday song would be a great opportunity to mention their name, which is pretty important to mention early on in a first-person story). Believe it or not, those are the two most important parts of creating a great hook, though I'd say there's one other: making the reader care. Why should I care about *this* character with an eating disorder, over all the other people going through similar struggles?
Of course, the difficult part here is accuracy and sensitivity when writing about a complicated and difficult topic like eating disorders. Clearly, your main character has one, although it's not clear from this chapter which one, yet (and that's fine). I'm not the person to ask about eating disorders; I know about them, but have neither experienced one nor been close to someone who has. To my limited eye, this is a pretty good representation so far. I particularly like the intrusive thoughts, as I've had intrusive thoughts about completely different topics, and it's that same sort of feeling. But of course, if you haven't had experiences with eating disorders (and maybe even if you have) you'll want to be sure to run it past people who experience(d) them to make sure it's well-portrayed. Anyway, I'm sure you know all this.
I felt like this sentence was a bit pointless, because of course the design creates aesthetic appeal, that's the point of any kind of ornamentation. Better to say what your main character thinks about the design - is it nice, is it a weird color - because she's using it as a way to distract herself from the cake.
This is a small thing, but I think it'll help the effect of the story - putting the character's intrusive thoughts in italics. It just clarifies that these are her thoughts, as well as drawing attention to them.
Finally, I was really interested in the face your main character sees at the end of the chapter. It's a great tidbit that gives me a reason to keep reading on. I want to know - was this a twin, a sister/brother, or a past version of herself that is "dead" because of her disorder? Personally, I'm hoping for the twin option - it just sounds the most interesting to me. xD But again, it works great as a hook.
I think that's about all I've got for you! Overall, this is a pretty great start, and I think some line-by-line refinement and considering ways to show other parts of her personality (even just a little tidbit) besides her being nearly consumed by this disorder will make it even better. If anything I've said doesn't make sense or you want me to elaborate on something or talk about something I didn't mention, just ask! Good luck and keep writing, and I hope to see more from you.
Wow, just wow. That was so moving. It was hard to read about someone under so much self-inflicted mental stress. I definitely feel like there are moments in my life where I can relate to the narrator, and I can't imagine always feeling that way. Your ability to write such powerful material, especially in a short story in incredible. One of my favorite things is the way you don't just tell the reader how the narrator is feeling, you show them. Thank you for writing such an inspirational piece. Great work!