Published March 18, 2009
this is the companion to peanutgallery007's Daemeons Van's we are writing a book together and this is my version in my characters perspective.
Under The Circumstances
The distant thrum of electricity is the only companion to my hurried footsteps as I walk ever closer to my reeking destination. This eerie silence is almost worse than the usual screeches from the Nightmares, almost.
A windy whistle from behind me catches me of guard as I turn around to have the beet-red eyes of a shade glaring at me. “Yes?” I manage to screech.
“All Nightmares are restricted to their tunnels tonight. Are you aware of that?”The shade growls at me. I gulp, trying to remember what Dae said to do if such an occasion occurred.
“I am Shaleer, of Flame hall. I am authorized to make the trip to the Circumstances tonight.” I stammer trying to speak with some authority, without success. The shade seems to have bought it though.
“Sorry to have bothered you.” It grumbled as it faded away. I let out the air that had clung in my throat, only now remembering that I still hold my shoes in my bluish hands. The white Shimmer-Souls are the only memento to my past life. I lift my spare hand up to feel the protruding veins on my transformed face.
Dae said that the new look might suit me, yeah right. Like blue skin and huge veins poking out of my face could look good on anyone. It is worth it though, not to have to cower inside of my house listening to the screams of the unlucky victims who did not make it home before dark. I know I should not feel that way. How could it be better to be the monster than the prey?
This customary walk that I am on is very important to Nightmare culture. If not done correctly I could be banned from the tunnels forever. Oh the horror. The task is simple anyway. I am to make a trip to Circumstances barefooted, but to bring my shoes. Once I get there I will throw them on the large mound with the rest, only to pick them up again when I become a demon.
Daemeon also added that I should touch my nose and spin around three times. Well at least he tries to have a sense of humor. I glance up at the path and see that the large mound is not too far ahead now. “Arghh!” My voice echoes around me as a sharp pain reverberates through my now bruised toe.
I pick up the rock that has wished me ill and for some strange reason start screeching at it. “Stupid rock, stupid foot, stupid Dae!” I clamp my stupid mouth shut, staunching the flow of cruel harsh words. Words that I do not mean, could not even hope to mean.
Daemeon has always been nice to me. Or at least he tried, ever since we first met; two little munchkins with runny noses heading off to kindergarten. Anxiety clashes into my stomach, goading my thoughts towards 9th grade. It is too late though. The string of thought was there, and my mind clamped around it bringing back the painful memory.
His words are now ringing in my head, wedging themselves into every nook and cranny. “I am what is attacking everyone.” Appalled I wanted to fling myself off of his porch and hopefully hit my head and die. Instead I collapsed onto a nearby chair as warm tears slowly leaked down my cheeks.
I now feel a strange straining sensation in my eyes, and panic. Only to remember that Nightmares cannot cry. I now realize that I will ever more have poison seeping through my overly-sized veins. Who cares anyway? It is not like I had anyone to leave behind!
A familiar and yet new smell enters my nostrils as I near the mound of shoes. The sun is going to rise soon and I do not want to linger here. I toss my shoes onto the pile and start to turn around when I spot the source of the smell.
It is standing a ways away throwing its new-looking shoes onto Circumstances. I muster up the courage to smile. Dae’s eyes catch mine for a second, but he does not react. He just turns and walks away.
I wish I could cry right now; crying always helped. Was Daemeon just being Daemeon or was there a deeper meaning to this confrontation? He wouldn’t leave me alone, would he? Some strange urge pushes me forward to where he was standing. I lean over and grab his shoes. Running off I leave my worried thoughts behind me.
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go to the following link for Under the Circumstances in Dameon's view. This is a conjoined piece that is written in both perspectives.
topic45290.html
So this isn’t bad. But I really want to make a notice of your word choice here and on two opposite sides of the spectrum. I bolded three different descriptions up above that I wanted to point out. The first and last (“windy whistle” and “screech”) ones have an iffy feel to them. “Windy whistle” could more easily be “howling” or “screeching” instead. And “screech” just doesn’t have the right appeal in the context. I would suggest something along the lines of “squeal” or “squeak” instead. Too, “of” should be “off.”
Lastly, I wanted to compliment you on “beet-red.” It’s a cute way of describing someone and not only that but it’s a break away from the cliché use of “blood-red” or “ruby-red.”
I would recommend capitalizing the “H” in “hall” seeing as how you’ve capitalized “Flame” and because “Flame Hall” is a proper noun.
Two problems I wanted to bring clear. First, “hold” could most definitely sound better as “had a hold of” or “held.” Also, the bolded “to” could become “of” which would give the sentence a better flow. However, I wanted to compliment you on your use of the word “shimmer-souls.” It has a very cute innocent and human sound too it. However, I’m not certain as to whether it needs to be capitalized. That is something I’m going to let you determine.
You and peanutgallery007 need to decide amongst each other if using nicknames like “Dae” is going to work. However, for some readers this may become confusing. So, unless earlier in the text it is mentioned that “Dae” is Daemeon’s nickname, I would stick to just Daemeon. Or insert a snippet to include this information.
As a creative suggestion you could definitely add the words “every night” or “every evening” between “house” and “listening.” In my opinion, makes the sentence read a little smoother.
This sentence bothered me when I read it and it took me a while to even understand it. To decrease the chance of confusion, try something like: “How could becoming the monster seem better then remaining the prey?” The sentence has the same meaning you intended but with a smoother read.
Okay, I’ve just read “stupid” way too many times. Which is well…stupid. *don’t really mean it by the way* I would recommend getting rid of the last one before “mouth.”
This is a very cute little expression and it allows your readers to really get a sense of your characters relationship.
Because this is in a flash-back form, you need to be careful of your tenses. You just need to watch how you write out events, most importantly events of the past.
This is all a matter of word usage. Because you say “was” it implise that he is in fact still standing there, even if he isn’t. Instead, use something to say that he had stood there before like “had been.”
This is pretty good but you definitely need to watch your tenses. Other wise, this is already good and I’m gonna be checking in on you and peanut for a while. If either of you need help, please contact me. I’m really interested in giving a hand.
Hello! Nice to meet you! Here's your review.~
"Reeking" seems like the wrong word. Try for something more elegant. Also, I think that "accompanying" would fit better than "Companion." read it out loud and I think you'll find it sounds smoother.
"Of," should be "off." And screech sounds very abrupt. You give a quiet semi-calm aura at the beginning. Introduce "screech" a bit more subtly.
the word "but" makes the phrase run smoother.
It sounds like there should be a longer pause between "me" and "yeah".
"Oh the horror," read somewhat like sarcasm. If it's supposed to sound like that, great, you pulled it off. But if not, try to add more meat around it to prevent it from being so blunt.
Using the word "screeching" again seems very repetitive. Try to find another word to use.
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Overall, this was a very good prologue. You enhanced it with really nice details and it flowed very nicely.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Thanks for all of the reviews, just to say; Shaleer is a girl. I didn't even know that i used the word screech so much, but that is the sound humans hear when nightmares speak.
It should be "off" not "of."
You used the word "screech" already in this story.
There should be a comma after "correctly."
This isn't a complete sentence.
Use another word besides "get."
Use the same name throughout the story.
Don't use the same words throughout the story. There are plenty of other words that mean the same thing as "screech."
There should be a comma after "appalled."
There should be a comma after "away."
The story's plot is interesting. Overall, the story is good. Keep on writing.
Hi! Mimi here as requested.
Hey!
All in all, good job.
Grammar
Overall the grammar was good except for a few missing commas and stuff like that. The thing I really noticed was the confusion between past tense and present tense. I corrected some of the stuff but you really have to choose a tense and stick with it. Check out some of the articles in the knowledge base about this.
Character
I got a good feel on the character's personalities... Especially Daemeon's. I got the feeling your MC sort of follows whatever Daemeon says, whether he likes it or not. But I could not really know your characters because this is a very small part of the story.
Plot
This story actually really interested and I would be reading more. I would like to know what's going on with the 'nightmares' and 'demons' etc
Keep up the great work!
PM me with any questions.
xxmimixx