Published April 5, 2009
About a girl in my book who controls weather. ( A five minute poem)
Lightning flourishes across the sky,
I ignore the accusing eyes,
Asking why.
They want to know,
Why my anger flies,
But I have to tell them,
That I have no evidence to show.
I want to stop.
I really do,
But now she is dead,
So I am through.
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Hello.
For a poem with a really powerful image, as in lightning and thunder and destruction, I found it rather weak. The reason is that the words you use are quite weak. Like for the first line you use the word flourishes. Flourishes sounds like a very artsy word. You use it for wands or for table cloths or for handkerchiefs, not for something as grand and as booming as Lightning. Use more vivid words.
Well, mostly, that's my suggestion to make this poem better. Make it more vivid. It's about lightning and death, strong words will give this life.
Good luck and keep writing.
--Knightly
It seems like this poem was more suited to being IN your book rather than by itself. If you have to explain about it like you did, than you probably shouldn't have it by itself. I suggest putting it at the end, after you finish writing it so we could all get who you're talking about.
Hello!
I really liked your poem. One piece of advice though is that in a poem like this, i don't think you really need to make it rhyme! Otherwise, it was great!!
word choice
the poem would make sense if you added a little more to it and make a more interesting poem.
needs more description. if you added a little more about the setting then you would get a little more writing in there.
layout
well, the stanzas change and some words rhyme and others don't. here are the stanzas:
3
4
4
they change.
but other than that the poem is great.
i think that you really tried to make it kind of mysterious right? almost like people thought that you were the killer and you wanted to deny them because it obviously wasnt true but yet you still had no evidence to prove your innocence, i guess. i also think that you should add a little more to explain some parts forinstance when you say
[QUOTE]
They want to know,
Why my anger flies,
But I have to tell them,
That I have no evidence to show.
[QUOTE]
i think you should elaborate more on that. there are some really good things that i saw and that was when you said that first stanza which was real creative and powerful.
Hmm... I liked it, but I think it needs a little more fluff, like bubble said. It seems flat line... and you know what our Language Arts teacher says! A flat- line story is a dead story!
Your rhyme patterns are different in each stanza. You go; ABA, ABCA, BACA. Nothings wrong with that... I'm just saying. It also seemed a bit odd that only the first stanza had three lines and the rest had four. Again, just saying.
Anyhow, I liked this poem! I read it before, and I think you could have edited a little before posting it, but that's what you have YWS critics for!
[spoiler]6/10 ... it could have been better, I just know it
Mm, it was kind of flat if you ask me. Someone who doesn't understand your character (like me) really doesn't get much out of it, and a good poem should be able to stand on its own. That said, I did like the lines "They want to know/why my anger flies." The image of flying anger is very powerful. Perhaps you could expand on that and explore it a bit to give the poem some more depth.
Cheers,
~bubbles