Published March 23, 2009
a lullaby that a mother in my book sings to her childern when she has to give them up.
Oh, and i know how terrible it is.
Precious blackbird
Sleep my baby blackbird,
Sleep till the new dawn.
Dream my little blackbird,
Of mourns new adventures,
Cradled in the earth’s timeless womb,
You shall be safe,
Till you are found,
Fly my precious blackbird,
Fly soundly away from me,
Sleep my baby blackbird,
Till the danger passes.
Cradled in the earth’s timeless womb,
You shall be safe,
You shall be free.
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what the poem needs is more description. the setting needs to be more described. it is a little confusing when the bird is sleeping.
Sleep my baby blackbird,
Sleep till the new dawn.
Dream my little blackbird,
Of mourns new adventures,
Cradled in the earth’s timeless womb,
You shall be safe,
Till you are found,
found by what? what will the bird be found by? what would be looking for the bird?
also the
Of mourns new adventures,
has to be
Of mourns and new adventures,
that would make more sense instead of skipping.
as for this:
Sleep till the new dawn.
the dawn isn't new. it repeats every day. so you could say:
Sleep till the coming of dawn.
that would make more sense.
other than those few mistakes, it is pretty good.
I don't think "new" is necessary before "dawn." It definitely disrupts the flow.
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Otherwise, I think this poem does has hope. It has the feeling of a mother's love in it. That's all good.
I have one little question though,
Why are they blackbirds? No really though, I don't see why the babies in the poem are blackbirds. Is there a reason? Now I'd understand more if you added certain blackbird traits into it but you could have sad "Precious tiger, sleep my baby tiger," And it would have technically been the same. Just with a tiger baby.
That's about it though. And about all the time I have. Good job.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
First off, give yourself some credit! I found this to be good, actually.
Precious blackbird
Add that. Or, if not, put an apostrophe in mourn's. ^^
Mourn's should actually be morn's.
The way you have it is mourning over someone's death. ^^
Just say, "Cradled in the Earth" Or "Cradled in the Earth's bright light" Whichever.
Again, look above.
I found this to be a good little song. I tried to imagine the person crying while singing this song. (As she is leaving her babies)
Anyway! This was good, give yourself some credit. Don't Down your work, that's the judges job! XD
Well, it's not the critiquer's job to "down" you work, but, you get what I mean!
My pleasure,
---Jon---