Published April 3, 2009
I know that i spelt 'day' wrong
Falling to light
Darker than dae,
Brighter than night,
He’s falling into that cold light.
Without that warm illusion,
Slipped over his eyes,
There is nowhere, nowhere, for reality to hide.
He awoke unaware,
He awoke unknowing,
Into that dark new dawn.
I slipped, he fell,
Into that cold light,
Now I have to wonder,
Who’s really in the night?
He didn’t tell me,
I just know,
I’m falling into that cold light
I ventured unaware,
I ventured unknowing,
Into that bitter new dawn.
I was wrong,
As he wished he could be,
Because in the light,
The deaths are easy to see.
Hidden in memories,
I can’t ignore,
The creatures devoured me
As they have to no one, no one, before.
Darker than dae,
Brighter than night,
Though the dark is safer,
I shall stay in the light.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
This poem was very good. It was heart wrenching. The last stanza was my favorite. This shows real promise. It felt as almost you were describing a moment that had happened. Very good. There was not a lot of mistakes that I found. It showed real emotion and depth which touched the reader. It touched a very personal note which is a good thing, for you connected to the reader. Great Job. This deserves a gold star. *click* Keep it up. I can't wait to read more from you.
Here as requested, PoemPerson! ^^ Thanks again for using my thread.
So, I'm going to have to agree with the other reviewers for the most part. There was just something not very original about this. Now, some poets can make a non-original plot/idea/theme into an amazing poem by executing the poem very well: you can do this by adding imagery, rhyme/rhythm, metaphors, similes, unique word choice, and such. I didn't really see you do this.
About the 'dae' thing: So, I'm not really getting this. Misspelling a word does not, contrary to popular belief, make you or your poem seem cooler or edgier. Sorry, love, but that's the truth. Instead, it just makes you and your poem look like you're trying to seem cool and edgy and unique.
Trust me, though, there are so mnay better ways to be unique than to spell something wrong. Otherwise, you might find an angry mob of spelling-freaks attacking you with pitchforks. Then where would your poem be?
However, if this poem is in relation to a story you're writing, that slightly changes things. Say, in this story, is there a certain something special that's tiltes, "Dae"? Because, in that case, that angry mob of spelling-freaks might spare you. If the word 'dae' is important to your story (such as the name of a clan, a character, a species of fairy, a god, or a certain type of poisonous fungi) then by all means, keep it. You just have to capitalize it, then.
That might be long and somewhat of a lecture, but I wanted to explain to you in depth why you can't just go around mis-spelling things.
This is promising, actually! The bit about illusions is the first (and one of the only) uses of imagery you've put into this poem. Go with that; build on to it, make it mysterious and riveting. What exactly is this illusion? Why does this ambiguous 'he' find himself without the safe illusion any longer? What happened to the illusion? Where'd it go?
...meh.
Makes no sense. Repetitive. Try again.
PoemPerson! I feel so evil in this critique, but you simply can't go around saying 'cold light' every stanza! It was cool --really cool, actually: I loved the bright shiver that went through me as I read it-- but it was only cool the first time. Now, it's like you've run out of things to say besides that it's cold, and it's bright.
Actually, I like the idea you have going here. How your actions are parallel to the 'he' mentioned above. This is good, methinks. Except for the repetition, which still irks me, and which you can change into some sort of amazing metaphor. For example, instead of the second 'unknowing', add something like:
I ventured unaware,
the darkness dancing across my eyelids,
into that bitter new dawn.
See the imagery? I'm not saying you should use THAT exact rewrite, but something that we can relate to besides not knowing.
You were wrong about what? For this to be effective, you need a stanza right before this to explain what the narrator believed in the first place. A person can't be wrong about something if they haven't made their assumptions or guesses yet. But I like the simplicity of 'I was wrong'. It's quite nice, m'dear.
Well, you don't devour to someone, so just cross that out.
So, more 'dae'.
Alright, I actually do like the ending here, but I think you need to explore the concept of the dark being safer a bit more. I haven't really gotten the impression that dark is safe from this poem, although I kind of have gotten the impression that light can be ugly and dangerous. Explore both sides of the statement. What aout dark makes it safe? Can the inky blackness envelop you, drying tears and suffocating hatred? Can the blank page of night be easier to write on than the illuminated, complicated novel of the light?
Good luck, and nice job.
~Evi
I probably should have explained that this is something that is based on my book.
Don't spell day wrong, it's bad for our health.
Abstract, yes. Communicative... not so much. Original? Also, unfortunately, not so much.
You go on for a while about day and night, darkness and light, the age-old opposites that are thematically present in almost every great work in the history of mankind. I'm not sure I can think of a classic work in the last two thousand years that doesn't allude to the idea of day/light/good vs. night/darkness/evil in at least a token measure. And therein lies your problem, because this is pretty much all the imagery you've actually used in the poem. Sure, you've got little snippets about 'creatures' and 'illusions' but basically your whole poem revolves around this one metaphorical abstract, and it's one we've come up against every day of our lives since we were old enough to be scared of the dark.
Unfortunately you've just got no depth with this one. Stylistically it's actually not too bad, but it's a like a puddle disguised as a still pond - it looks deep and mysterious, but stick your toe in and you discover it's pretty shallow.
You're a good poet, I think, and you're starting to make good use of the poetic tools available to you, but you've got to find some other material to write about - age-old stock imagery just isn't going to cut it.
Good luck! I'll look forward to seeing more of your writing in the future.
Whoa...interesting. I didn't completely get it, but abstract is a highly respected art form, and this was definitely abstract. I liked it though, because it has some very unique imagery, and I like your use of oxymorons. You might want to explain a little more what the poem is really about, and I would also like to know who "he" is. With a little fixing up, it could be very good.
P.S. Any particular reason you spelled it "dae?"
Well, to be honest, I was came away feeling kind of meh about the poem. It seemed like you were trying to communicate something, but the point just never got across, you know? I think it was the repetition, and the changing pronouns - it really muddied the message for me.
If I were you, I'd work on refining what you're trying to say and tighten up on the unnecessay verbiage. I lke the idea that the dark is safer than light, and that the light shows things you don't really want to see, so maybe you could explore that more. I'd suggest using more literary techniques - really play on the reader's senses, so that they experience it with you rather than read it from an objective distance. Show, don't tell, and all that.
Overall not one of my favourites, but it has potential. Keep working on it
Cheers,
~bubbles