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The Great Risk Chapter 1: Justin

by iluvfbnrtr


Intro: I knew it. I knew my friend was going to die. Well, of course she was GOING to die, but I knew how and when. Before it happened. I could've saved her, but I thought it had just been a nightmare.

She's gone. She's lying in the casket in front of me. I sob lightly. She was a friend, but not a very good one. I stand there hoping I don't have to go through something worse than this, but I will. That's the ironic thing. I have a feeling it will be worse. Much, much worse.

Chapter 1: Justin

It's been 3 years since my friend, Susie, died. I have found other friends since then, but it still haunts me to think something will happen. Something terrible.

I walk into Youth at church and I see him. Justin.I kind of know him. I'm friends with his sister, Linda. Justin's 16 and I'm 14. We occassionally say hi, but we've never had a REAL conversation.

"Hey," he began.

"Hi Justin," I reply quietly.

"Raquel--"

"It's Rocky."

"Oh. You're Linda's friend right?"

"Yeah. I'm going to your house for a sleepover Friday," I revealed.

"Linda told me you were."

"Well--" I began when Linda came in and started talking to me about the sleepover.

"So, do you prefer anything on your pizza?" she questioned.

"Pepperoni and Canadian Bacon."

I looked back over at Justin. His eyes sparkle like stars in the night.

"Earth to Rocky."

I realize Linda wants to talk to her, but I don't want to.

"Back to earth dreamer girl. He's got a girlfriend."

I jerked my head around towards Linda. I gave her a why-can't-anyone-be-single-anymore look.

"Sorry Rocky."

"So, what are we talking about?" I ask.

"The sleepover Friday night," she reminds me.

"So, all I need is some clothes, my sleeping bag, and a pillow right?"

"Exactly Rocky."

"I've got to go," I said looking back as I left.

I looked back at Justin and blushed redder than a tomato. He was smiling at me and I ran off flabbergasted by the last moment of my life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I arrived at Linda's house and knocked on the door. Justin answered.

"Hi Ra-Rocky."

"Hey Justin."

We stood there staring into each others eyes and I melted like chocolate on a hot day.

"Rocky! You're here!" exclaimed Linda.

She dragged me into her room and my gaze on Justin dissolved.

"Guess what?!" she asked.

"What?!?" I replied anxiously.

"We have the WHOLE house to ourselves next Friday! I was thinking you and I could have a party!"

"That would be great!" I say.

Justin knocked on the door and commented, "Sorry to burst in on your conversation,but am I invited to this par-tay?"

"Rocky will decide on who can come, so what do you say? Can he come?"

I looked at puppy-dog face he gave me and giggled.

"Yes Justin. You can come."

"Sweet! Thanks Ra-Rocky!"

He left the doorway and we talked about the party. We disscussed decorations, food, drinks, and games.

"I think we should play 'Spin the Bottle'," suggested Linda.

"Good idea! Truth or Dare too!"

"Pizza's here," yelled Justin from the living room. I treaded towards the kitchen and saw Justin playing video games and eating pizza on the couch. I giggled to myself and pulled out a drink from the fridge.

"Wanna play some video games?" he asked with pizza stuffed into his mouth.

"What have you got?" I reply.

"Black Opps--"

"I love watching the people die on that game!!! They bend in impossible ways and it cracks me up!!!"

He laughed and I sat and watched him play Black Opps for a few minutes. Linda grabbed my arm and dragged me into the kitchen to finish eating.

"I think he likes you," she whispers.

"You think?"

"Yeah. And you like him. I can see it in your eyes."

I must have blushed pink when she said that. Justin came into the kitchen and grabbed a soda off the counter. he looked at us, raised an eyebrow, and swallowed his sip.

"Whatcha talikng about?" he asked.

We sat there quietly and tried to ignore him. Turns out he's PRETTY hard to ignore. He bent down behind me and breathed on my neck.

"You were talking about me. Weren't you?" he whispered into my ear, sending chills down my back.

He walked to his room and I shuddered.

"What did he whisper to you?" she asked anxiously.

"He asked if we were talking about him."

"Well, guess we should go talk in private. What do you think?"

"Let's go," I proclaimed as we headed off to Linda's room.

To Be Continued... Chapter 2: The Party


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80 Reviews


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Thu Apr 19, 2012 10:51 pm
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Picklesole says...



I agree with ItalianIlluminist about the ending. But I absolutely love the dialogue! It seems natural, you know, for teens. Tell me when you have the next chapter up!! :D




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Wed Apr 18, 2012 4:25 am
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Caesar wrote a review...



Greetings- though this was uncalled for, I hope it'll help. ;)
Firstly, let me say you started off very well - the intro was very catchy, it brought you right in. Your grammar was okay, as was your narrative...
However, there wasn't a shred of description. Not one, ever. Remember, the readers don't know what's in your head. This seemed like a play script to me, no description, little indication of thoughts and emotion.
Also, I don't really know, but isn't this rather short? Well, I've seen plenty of four-page chapters in best-sellers, so I guess it doesn't matter that much. What's important is you introduce a main, driving element, which you did.....
..... in the first part. And only there. The fact that the two characters might grow to like each other is important, but this was a particularly weak ending.
So yeah, description and ending.
Nonetheless, this is a nice piece of work. PM me or ask in my 'Will Review for Food' topic if you want any more of my help.
Hope this helped,
yours truly





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