If I could be with you for just one more day
I would say I love you, and I would hold you
I would stare into your eyes, your green, green eyes
And share my secrets with you
We would laugh, and sing, and dance to our favourite songs
We would kiss, and hug
I would take pictures of us together, as proof this was real
I would hold your hand in mine
And I wouldn’t let go, and I would cry when you did
If I could be with you for just one more day
I would say things and tell you how I adore you
We would talk about things we never knew we had in common
Our minds would be free of our pasts and of our future
You would laugh as I tried to attempt spontaneous poetry
And I would laugh as you tried to do a handstand
We would watch a movie, or possibly two
Just to sit there in each other’s arms
I would cry when the day was over
You would leave me forever, for her
You wouldn’t be mine any longer
I would cry as I look through the pictures
I would think about you before I slept, and maybe even smile
I would say your name again and again and again
Under my breath in a daydream
I would see your dark hair and awkward braces and think
I was lucky to have you
I was lucky to have you, Louis
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Wonderful poem with room for improvement
I could feel the longing and the heartache in it which is good. It just felt a little fake to me. But hey, I won't go too hard on you. You're 13, probably never been in love (or maybe you have, who am I to judge?). I'm only 14 and I like writing love poems like this too. I've learned that the trick is to make your writing betray your age. Situations like this are hard for us younger people to write about. We just don't have the experience (some do, just a general statement). But I won't let someone's love poem be better than mine because they're older or have more experience (because I'm too prideful to let my age get in my way. Fatal flaw, I know). If someone is going to be better than me, it's going to be better they are genuinely better.
I just see a lot of potential here and want you to be able to use it. Love poems have so many possibilities. You're a great writer and I know you're going to be absolutely amazing!
Try immersing yourself in the poem as you write it. Tell us how painful it is (or would be for you) and force me to believe it.
I'm not judging your poem, because i really, truly did like it
Pm me if you have any questions and great job!
Awww, this is so sweet! I sorta know how this feels.
It really reminds me a lot of "You Belong With Me" (you know, the song by Taylor Swift).
One thing that I noticed in this poem is that the only punctuation mark that you use is the comma. Why is that? I think it would be better if you introduced some periods to the poem, as well. (I do like Mr. Comma, but he tends to be abused a lot, and not just by you, it's a common thing with writers. Poor comma-san... )
^The comma comment was more for humor. You're not really abusing him here, (Yay! ^_^) but I think he might be a little bit lonely. ;3
YAY PERSONIFICATION
Anyway, I don't really have anything to critique here, which is a good thing! You don't have any typos.
As for the style... um, it's good? I really wish I had more to tell you on the matter, but I'm afraid I need more lessons. :p
Overall, this was a good piece, and it was rather enjoyable to read. Thanks for putting it here for us to read! (Oops, redundancy. Oh well.)
I loved this, I felt the pain and the longing, it was great. And I like the signature too. Im a huge William Blake fan, my favorite one of his is: