Published July 1, 2011
I'm not the one who wears a cape
Or saves people
I'm not the one who has big muscles
Or charming good looks
I'm not the one who wants revenge
On murdered parents
I'm the one who has trouble with spots
And asking out girls
I'm the one who lives as a single child
In a working class family
I like video games, and films, and school
Not beating people up
I'm not a villain
I just exist
But what if I could do more?
All I know
I'm not the hero
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138,524 Literary Works • 672,150 Reviews
In the poem all your doing is telling me what you are not. So what are you? The only question in the poem is But what if I could do more? but thats all you say about it.
Hey there, ilovemyboys!
So, I would nitpick through this but I would be pointing out the same two things over and over again. Instead, I’ll just cover the two big things with two clunky, ugly paragraphs. I hope you don’t mind.
Punctuation
Simply put, you lack punctuation in this poem but, well, punctuation could improve this poem greatly. Kyllorac has a wonderful article in the Knowledge Base, Pray Perpetuate Poetry Punctuation that would be great for you to check out. But in simpler form, add some commas and some periods where they’re appropriate. It will help your poem out a whole lot.
Flow
The other thing is your flow. This feels very choppy and rhythm-less. Sometimes changing a word here or there to alter the number of syllables in a line can make all of the difference. But flow, well, it’s hardly as important as the meaning of the poem…which brings me to my last bolded word.
Meaning
I’ve read plenty of poems that have wonderful rhythm but very little meaning which can make a poem much more difficult to improve. Here, well, it was the reverse. You did a nice job of putting down how you feel, it’s just the presentation that needs cleaning up and those things are much easier to do. Plus, well, you have your whole life to master grammar, flow, and all of that junk. I have to really give you props for the thought you put into this poem.
Good luck and the best of writing. If you have any questions, shoot me a PM or just leave a message on my wall!
~lilymoore
Wow, I thought this was really good. It has a lot of emotion in it and the message comes across very clearly. I loved it!
Great job, this was really good, and I enjoyed reading it. There were a few places that seemed just a bit forced, but that's okay, and it was great!
~Tayla
This is really excellent, and one of the truest things I've ever read. But some heroes aren't so brash--a lot of times, the real heroes are inconspicuous and therefore we overlook them. This poem was really good.
Interesting, very good. I like that you used superheroes in this to portray a normal guy. This is something that a lot of people could relate to.
However I have my nitpicks. You didn't use punctuation, so there were no breaks and then this is a mouthful. I would put a period after every other line because that sounds the most natural. Also:
That's all I can really think of that is really incorrect. I liked the repitition and the way you kept it simple. Good job.