I love you

Hey there! This piece was very sweet and had great emotion. I agree with some of the other reviewrs that there is so much more potential for this. As one othere person put it, this was more like a poem than a short story. You could probably write this in an actual story format easily. There were a few little grammar mishaps, but those are easily fixed. I think if you expand on this that it would be even better!
Keep it up!
~Luxy

Woah wait! Sorry it's me again but... whahhh??? O.o! Your 12?!! If you are really twelve your a spectacular writer. You my friend MUST keep writing. It's obvious you have amazing talent, you have to keep improving your writing skills and make sure you dont give up because I know that someday you will be an AMAZING WRITER.

You put the word "plait" in there alot, that kind of annoyed me to be honest. I loved the poem but I have no idea what that means lol(:. Anyways, overall your poem is bursting with passion. It has such a nice flow and you really made me picture Olivia she seems really beautiful and I love the way you described her face, her hair, her eyes and the way she makes you feel. Or rainer feel (:. I think this poem has alot of feeling and I love it, I like the ending and if Olivia is a real person I can tell you really do love her, or at least Rainer does(:.

all I'm going to say is my baby sisters name is olivia and I think its one of the most beautiful names in the world.
AWESOME!

hey ilovemyboys, i thought this story was absolutely wonderful in every way. well, except for the repetitive 'the way', i loved, loved, loved it!! i could seriously put my self into the story, into the room that they were sleeping in. i could picture Olivia, and i could totally picture Rainer the hottie. your very good at describing characters, but you could go just a bit farther with it. i also loved how you made the story look like a poem, unique. to me, this sounded like the story of a boy-girl friendship turned romantic when she realizes she had always loved Rainer. maybe you could add how old they are. probably teenagers, right? i also have seen a picture on the Internet that might describe Rainer really well. could you also explain what a plait is? i mean, i love the different use of the word. do you mean a ponytail, or what? still, it was nice to read your story. very intense, deep. you portrayed Rainer's thoughts well. keep writing, and review me back!!- darkfictionboys out! <3

ilovemyboys wrote:She is beautiful.
Her pale green eyes full of passion every time she kissed him.
Her light brown hair tied into an elegant plait , strands falling into front of her eyes.
Her milky skin, softer than velvet.
Her delicate heart shaped face, sprinkled with freckles.
Her pale pink lips curved up into a smiled.
Her name, the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
Olivia.
I could go on saying her name forever.
Olivia.
The way she worried about me.
The way she ditched her friends and boyfriend just to speak to me.
The way she cried in my arms when he dumped her.
The way she lead on my body, her arms around my neck.
The way her sweet breath fanned over my face.
The way she raked her fingers through my black hair.
The way my heart thumped when she fell asleep on me.
The way her chest rose and fell at every breath.
The way she smiled at me when she woke up.
The way she rubbed her thumb on my cheek.
The way she told me the three words I had always wanted to hear.
I love you.
The way she said my name.
Rainer.
The way she kissed me, sending jolts through my entire body.
The way she held my hand, her slim fingers wrapping around my calloused ones.
The way she looked straight into my blue eyes.
The way she smiled when I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
The way she wrapped her arms around my torso.
The way I stuttered when I said
I love you
The way she dragged my blanket over us.
The way she used my chest as a pillow.
The way I circled her waist with my strong arms.
The way we just dreamed in each others arms.
The way I woke up to see the girl of my dreams still in her uniform and her hair coming our of it's plait.
To me, she was everything.
She was my other half.
She was my soul mate.
She loved me.
I loved her.
That was all that mattered, as long as we believed in eachother.
Forever.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! I love love love it! oh gosh took my breath away
First of all i like how you explained her in a way that seemed like a dream so you knew that your character was truly seeing more than skin deep at some points. I mean she might have been the plainest looking girl ever but you made her sound like a goddess
I also love how your love was created over friendship or a bond and how it grew and grew till the two characters weaved into each other and set the story in motion again.

I would love to hear more from you keep up the amazing work!

sara13

I like this a lot. It's so passionate. Also, very pretty. I hope you write more!

ilovemyboys wrote:That was all that mattered, as long as we believed in each other.

Oh wow, the emotions in this story were mind-boggling. You took the reader through many differnet levels of emotions. Your story decribed the feelings that most people wish to feel on a dayily basis. I'm sorry for the spelling errors. Your illustrations were amazing. I felt like I was there and or watching a movie. Your way of describing things is amazing. Though more background details would be nice. I felt somewhat lost. Over all your story was breathtaking!! I commend you on an amazing story!! Great Job!

Wow, you're only 12?
I liked this.
You're good at writing.. or.. typing whichever works(:
Keep on the good work.

This was a very emotional peace and I enjoyed it a lot thank you for sharing!

ilovemyboys wrote:She was beautiful. it should be is (if the MC still finds her beautiful)
Her light green eyes full of passion every time she kissed him.
Her light brown hair tied into an elegant plait , strands falling into front of her eyes.
Her milky skin, softer than velvet.
Her delicate heart shaped face, sprinkled with freckles.
Her pale pink lips curved up into a smiled.
Her name, the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
Olivia.
I could go on saying her name forever. (It may be a cliche to others, but it's sounds cool to me.)
Olivia.
The way she worried about me.
The way she ditched her friends and boyfriend just to speak to me.
The way she cried in my arms when he dumped her.
The way she lead leaned on my body, her arms around my neck.
The way her sweet breath fanned over my face.
The way she raked her fingers through my black hair.
The way my heart thumped when she fell asleep on me.
The way her chest rose and fell at every breath.
The way she smiled at me when she woke up.
The way she rubbed her thumb on my cheek.
The way she told me the three words I had always wanted to hear.
I love you. i like this part XD
The way she said my name.
Rainer.
The way she kissed me, sending jolts through my entire body.
The way she held my hand, her slim fingers wrapping around my calloused ones.
The way she looked straight into my blue eyes.
The way she smiled when I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
The way she wrapped her arms around my torso.
The way I stuttered when I said
I love you
The way she dragged my blanket over us.
The way she used my chest as a pillow.
The way I circled her waist with my strong arms.
The way we just dreamed in each others arms.
The way I woke up to see the girl of my dreams still in her uniform and her hair coming our of it's its plait.
To me, she was everything.
She was my other half.
She was my soul mate.
She loved me.
I loved her.
That was all that mattered, as long as we believed in eachother.
Forever.

I really liked reading this, but it seemed more like poetry to me. In order for a story to be a story it must have some dialog. I think you should consider changing this into the poetry section. As for a review, I really loved this, but as said above the repition really needs work. I think that you should get rid of some of it so that when you use it the effect will be more powerful. Other than that this was very nice.

(: I really enjoyed reading this. It had lots of emotion and love in it. I thought the repeated words worked well and add a poetic style to the story. It reminds of me of those stories where the girl is with the big time jock who cheats on her and she ends up loving her best guy friend. Anyhoo, I will say that it went really quick from her boyfriend breaking up with her to her being with Rainer. To me there could be a smoother transition. But that could just be me.

Keep up the good work

It a was pleasure reading this(:

Her light green eyes full of passion every time she kissed him.

Her light brown hair tied into an elegant plait , strands falling into front of her eyes.

Oh.My.Gosh. That was amazing. That was beautiful. It was so emotional. I loved it. You made a few grammar mistakes but the whole..........everything else made up for it. You have great potential. It works in the context you put it in but it probably would work even better as a romantic poem. If you do decide to fix the grammer problems and the category, don't change a detail about it. Keep up the good work.

-BrooklynWriter

Hello there!

I like this. It's very emotional, and nice, though it's almost more of a free-style poem. The only thing that bothers me is how repetitive it is with the 'The way, The way' and so on. It just gets a little annoying, in my opinion. But for the most part I really like this piece, very nice.

Lovely work.

~Heather

I thought it was really, really sweet. I agree that the beginning several lines with the same word over and over made it a) kind of monotonous and b) more like a poem than a short story, but I still thought it was rather adorable.

Personally, I thought this had a certain charm to it. I like the fact that you see it progress, and yes it is poetic, but some great stories how a poetic feel to them. I feel maybe between your decribtions of how the character feels for the girl you could fill it with a narative, thus making it into more of a story then a poetic declaration of love.


All this said. I like it

This piece has so much passion, but also so much more potential. I liked it, don't get me wrong, but here are a few tips.

1) You start with the same word over and over and over and over. It can be really great, or can make the reader bored. In your story it did both. It made it sound poetic, but also monotonous.
2) You can describe the characters a little more.

This I think would help.

~Ktg

That was so ... emotional. What was probably suppose to be.
I like the second part more, when she finally loves him. It's really the hart of the story (looks like a poem to me).
Great work describing her from the eyes of the character as a goddess.
Still I didn't like her name. It's old-fashioned but that doesn't matter.
Keep up the good work.