Published November 19, 2010
In the starlight, nothing we do is convenient
In the sun light, everything we do is seen
In the shadows, no one cares, but us
But in my heart, you are everything
My life depends on your bright brown eyes,
And your soft touch, as you caress me
They point and laugh at us, not understanding
Not caring, not thinking about the feelings we have
But solitude is agonizing, not feeling, not fearing for you
The darkness is penetrating, burning into my soul as I cry
But I see you the next sunrise, and my heart flutters
You take me in your arms and say “I love you”
We kiss and I can breathe, finally full of life
You clasp my hand and we walk, walk into eternity
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141,808 Literary Works • 675,860 Reviews
Wonderful
The only thing I can say is that the line breaks and the fact that it's all in one stanza is a bit boring. Why don't you see if you can play around with that and maybe you'll find a better more interesting way! And maybe not. But think about it!
Hi there.
Wow! I am very impressed. Your poem is very impressive, and made even more impressive because of your age. Let me just do some picking, though, to help you edit this up a bit.
"In the starlight, nothing we do is convenient?"
Convenient? I don't understand. You might know exactly what you mean with that word in this context, but it doesn't make any sense of a reader.
"My life depends on your soft brown eyes"
Really? You may feel that way, but when you write it like that it makes you sound a little bit whiny, I think. You might want to redo that part.
Okay, those are my nitpicks. The last thing is the ending. The whole way through the poem you were talking about times of day and it was really effective, so what if you put a little bit of that into the end? Like, "Into an eternity of light" or something?
Overall, though, really great. Keep writing, and please PM me if you have any questions.
-Aussie