I’m walking through life, not quite dead, not quiet alive
I can’t feel my soul, and I can’t feel my heart, if I can’t live without you, then why are we apart?
My minds on nothing, just a blank slate, I can only feel fire, I’m at Hells’ Gates
I feel eyes on my back, and daggers in my soul, I should feel warm, but I’m just so cold
My wings are black, like death alone, my body is empty, and my flaws won’t go
I see the moon, the stars and the sky, but I can’t see the beauty, and I don’t know why
I can’t muster a question, to get me out of here, I can barely feel love, and I can only feel fear
There are cracks in my being that just won’t heal, I’ve always felt numb, and I don’t want to feel
I can sense you presence, now I cannot see, get me out of here; put me out of my misery
I am Deaths Shadow, Keeper of Life, I don’t kill a soul, but I leave no one alive
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Like seeminglymeaningless, I would definitely suggest breaking this poem down into smaller lines. Also, look through your poem and see how many times you used the word "I". Your sentence structure repeated so much that your poem became "I felt like this" or "I did this" over and over again. Try varying how you say things and put your sentences together. It will make your poetry more interesting and draw the reader in. I like the ideas you have here, but you need to work on formatting and cleaning up your writing before those ideas can really shine through.
This poem was great. The only thing I'd say about it was the structure of the verse as previously mentioned, as it is hard to pull out the rhythm in it. But because the actual verses flowed I was able to pick them out despite this
Hi
I'm Jai, and I'll be reviewing your work today.
First, I think you mean "Death's Shadow" to be your title. Secondly, I would hear the ryhming in the poem better if it was laid out like this:
It flows far better this way, and it looks good too.
Hmm, the shadow can feel fire? Is this shadow insubstantial?
This is a complete contradiction to what you said above.
I think this is the weakest stanza, as it doesn't really say anything, and the last coupling sounds like you had to force a rhyme.
By far the best stanza in the poem. If you turned this into a song, this would be a fantastic chorus.
Be careful with what you say. If you can *only* feel fear, then why can you feel cold, heat, barely feel love, feel eyes on your back?
I think this should be moved somewhere at the top. It would flow better as a narrative explaining how the shadow doesn't want to feel things, but feels them nonetheless.
This stanza also seems forced and compared to the others, isn't nearly as well written.
I enjoyed this ending, but it seemed like it came out of the blue. You talked so much about the shadow having feelings and not having feelings, but you never spoke about it watching Death take lives, so suddenly dumping it at the end seems very random in terms of a linear narrative. Consider going over your stanzas - do you really need so many saying the same thing "I can't feel.... but I can"?
Getting rid of, or cutting down on those will make way for better stanzas that relate to the ending.
Don't hesitate to reply to this review for more assistance
- Jai