Published July 24, 2011
As I wait there for hours on end, people scream and shout whether it's my name or screams and shreiks.
Longing for thrills and amusement, I drown myself in hustle and bustle of never-ending lines.
I now enter, heartbeat pounding with nervousness and anticipation.
Locked in, I close my eyes and focus on these words..."I'm safe. I'm safe."
As we accend, riders silence and raise their hands'.
The fear is building up inside me, miles and miles high.
Now, the drop, everyone screaming in terror does not aid my hearing.
My fear is gone.
Loop after loop, acceleration is continued until that abrupt stop of safety and relief.
I sprint out of the building, gasping for breath like a panting dog cooling itself.
Yet again,to the back of the never-ending line, I head,
The thrill awaits me once more, as well as fear...
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Really loved the poem! I love how you describe both fear and excitement. Good descriptions. My only suggestion would be to break up you lines more because it is a poem. For example:
But that is just my suggestion and you may want to leave it just the way it is. Love it! and keep writing!
You always find a way to make me feel good babe <3 (":
"How busy and scary life can be, and that you will get nowhere without facing your fears." This is what you told me the meaning behind this poem of yours was. You cannot deny it because that is exactly what you said, word for word. When I read it again after knowing the true meaning, I really understood. I'm your girlfriend, so out of all people...you think I would know quite a lot about what goes on in your life. And I do. So while reading your poem, I was able to match up the real world with this "roller coaster" described in the poem. Very good job. I am so proud of you. I will never let you give up on this, because this is clearly something you are good at. I love you. And...Yeah. Keep posting poems because I love them x) Good job babe.
That is true. I couldve used better placement. I wasnt really worried about spelling though.
An amusement ride, I presume? How true, how very, very true. I enjoyed it. I just have a few critiques to make:
"Accend" should be "ascend."
Your fear is...gone? At the beginning of a roller coaster? This part doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense. It seems to me that typically, when one is riding a roller coaster, the fear sticks with them until it's over.
Also, you have two instances where you repeat the exact same phrase: "never-ending lines". You don't need to, once is enough.
This was a very relatable poem. I liked it a lot! Keep writing, you're really good at it.
Alright. Thanks
I am a very awkward person, so, that may not be repairable, but the line breakup helps a lot.
Pretty good poem, some awkward lines made it hard for the emotion to really grasp me, but overall a nice piece of work
You may want to consider breaking up some of the longer lines, such as your first one
[quoteAs I wait there for hours on end, people scream and shout whether it's my name or screams and shreiks.
Longing for thrills and amusement, I drown myself in hustle and bustle of never-ending lines.][/quote]
One of the best poetry tactics is breaking up your thoughts between lines. This creates a more intense emotional experience and helps you avoid awkwardness.
Also, and this is more my preference than a solid mechanical error, but I would change the simile a bit. Instead of
it could read
or something to that effect. This also incorporates the concept of breaking up your lines.
Hope this helped!
I was having trouble with this one. But tell me your thoughts...