Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
There was a single rule that was not to be broken. Every person in the town knew the dangers of not abiding by it. Children were constantly told by the elders and by their parents “do not go near the edge of the forest. The forest will claim you and with its voice call you to it, never to be seen again. Under no circumstance go inside, past the edge.”
Most believed the warning, never to look too deeply into the darkness of the forest; all but one child. Her name was Clara. She believed that the adults were keeping something from them.
“Come on.” She whispered to her little brother Tsuna. He crept behind her, shaking both with fear and chills. The night was cold and the air stabbed at their skin as they crept past the quiet houses filled with the sleeping townsmen. “When someone says ‘don’t go in’ it only makes me want to go.”
“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Tsuna whispered shakily. Clara turned to him eyes narrowed.
“Fine if you wish to go back then do so. I am not going to, not until I go and see for myself if this forest is really as bad as they say.”
“Clara.” Tsuna reached for her as she turned a corner and disappeared from his sight. He stood alone in the cold night. He sighed, turned back, and went back down the way he came.
When the forest came into Clara’s view she ran up to the border and stopped abruptly. She tried to peer into the darkness that the overgrowth created. She looked back to her town. She took a deep breath and went in.
Tsuna sat on his bed staring at his hands. The door slowly opened and Clara crept in. he stared up at her in bewilderment. “You-“Tsuna began. She lifted her finger to her mouth. Then went to her bed and pulled the blanket over her. She fell fast asleep. He fell back onto his bed still looking at her. He sighed then copied her example and went back to sleep.
She would never speak of the forest, or of what she saw. She would just smile when Tsuna asked. Every night after that she would disappear into the forest, only to return right before the sun rose.
Their parents became worried about her lack of sleep, and one night followed her. Once she returned to the house the lights where on. She hesitated then entered. There in the entry were two of the elders. Both were exceedingly old, short and had deep, sharp eyes. Her father was standing and her mother was sitting in a chair. Her face was buried into her palm. Her brother was not there.
“Well?” her father said as he looked at Clara, arms crossed.
“Why would you go into the forest when we have told you never to enter?” her mother burst out. Her eyes were in tears. Clara tried to make up an excuse but she stopped abruptly. She held her fists. She knew they knew.
“Why did you never tell us of its beauty?” she yelled. “I have never come into contact with danger or the so called voice. It is such a wonderful place. So many animals, there are so many plants. Why are you so afraid of something so
wonderful?”
“You are forbidden to go back into the forest.” Her father said firmly.
“You cannot stop me.” Then she stared at her father, and for a moment her eyes glowed green.
“Do you see that?” One elder said
“Yes, the forest has taken her heart and mind,” said The other.
“We must keep her away. Out of site of the forest.”
“Agreed.” her father said. She screamed and squirmed as they grabbed onto her and threw her into a holding cell.
“You must understand dear.” her mother said wiping a tear from her cheek. “This is for your own good.”
Clara stared angrily at her parents as they left her in the cold, damp, dark cell. She pulled on the bars and soon withdrew to the corner. She pulled her knees to her chest and held them tightly to them.
That night the forest became uneasy, a Deep hollowing emanated from the woods. Vines grew from the forest and crept into town. They twisted and curled, slowly moving to the cell where their admirer slept. They climbed the cell bars to the lock. The girl woke from the lock unlatching and falling to the ground. The sound echoed. She got up “Brother?” She looked around, but nothing was in sight. Then she heard the almost silent dragging of the vines and saw them disappear around the corner. She opened the cell door and watched the vines move away from her. She followed them, scared, but intrigued. Once she got out and was bathed in the moonlight once again, her eyes shifted to the forest as if in a trance, being lured by the smells of the wood and the flowers. She walked to the whispers that surrounded her. As she almost reached the edge of the forest, she was stopped by her brother, whom latched himself to her arm.
She smiled at him. “Brother, what are you doing up?”
“I was scared, so I-“he whimpered
“Dear brother, I hear it. They are calling.”
“The-the forest’s voice? But you’ll disappear.” He looked at her and her eyes were glowing a bright green.
“There are only two things that I love above all things. You must understand this. I will become part of the forest, and I will be close to you at all times. That way, I will never be away from what I love. I want nothing more than for happiness.”
“But-“
“Do not mourn brother, for I am not to die, but to be reborn as a part of the forest. Every tree, leaf, every blade of grass, it will all be me. So long as you are never afraid of the forest, I will be right there with you, listening, watching, and smiling. I will never let harm come to you. Brother, let me go.”
By that time she was already wrapped by vines, and leaves sprouted in her hair, her skin was cold and rough. She smiled as he let go of her arm and disappeared into the deep vast shadow of the forest.
Seven years passed and a great war had reached the towns borders. Soldiers killed and burned everything that wasn’t already destroyed. Out of options Tsuna and his parents went into the forest for cover. They ran deep into the woods, but behind them were soldiers waving their weapons in the air. Flames followed them, burning the forest.
Tsuna’s father pushed Tsuna and his mother forwards as he stood facing the soldiers. ”Keep going. I’ll hold them here.”
“Frances!” His mother cried out to the Father. He waved them on and faced the soldiers. Tsuna and his mother departed half-heartedly but soon turned back to full sprint through the forest. More soldiers appeared behind them. They came to a clearing. Tsuna told his mother to hide. So she did. She rushed behind a fallen rotting stump and crouched down holding her head in fear.
The soldiers reached the clearing and saw Tsuna waiting for them.
“Well, well. You know kid, you’re the last one.” Three more soldiers appeared and slowly crept around Tsuna until they surrounded him. “Don’t be scared boy. You’ll be with your father soon enough.”He nudged his head and the other men began to creep in. “We don’t need all of us to take out this kid. Who wants to volunteer?” the leader asked the three. One stood forwards and pointed his sword at Tsuna. Tsuna backed up but was pushed back into the center by one of the other guards. He fell onto his chest. The man swiped down at Tsuna and he rolled away to avoid the sword. He got up and faced his enemy.
The soldier stabbed his sword into the ground and lunged at Tsuna. He let out an array of punches and kicks that hit Tsuna with tremendous force. After a solid punch to the stomach Tsuna fell and cradled his stomach. The soldier grasped his blade and walked over to him.
“It’s been fun kid but it’s getting boring.” He lifted his sword and Tsuna clenched his eyes. Nothing happened. Tsuna opened his eyes and the soldier was surrounded in roots. They weaved and wrapped themselves around him and pulled him into the ground. Tsuna quickly scooted himself back until he hit something hard behind him. He rubbed his head and peered up.
“Oh my god.” He said under his breath as he stared at the image of his sister. She was in the same clothes the night she left; only covered in mud and tattered. She was barefoot, and her hair was a deep lush green with leaves and vines growing from her roots and a pair of antlers growing from her head. She was the same age but she looked as though her skin had become somewhat like bark, but held the same pale color as her normal skin.
She walked up to the soldiers as they pointed their weapons at her, shaking.
“What are you?”They demanded. She looked up at them with her glowing green eyes. Ignoring the question she asked, “The fire. Did you set it?”
“What?” the leader squeaked. “Well of course we did. Thi-“that’s all he got out as vines grew from her for arms and shot into him. The vines retracted from his body as he fell. She looked to the other two men and they dropped their weapons and ran. She walked to them.
Tsuna’s mother ran to him and began to pull him away. “But mom that’s.” he protested.
“It’s not her. That’s not my daughter.” She said firm and straight as she pulled him up and away. Tsuna was watching Clara as the two other men were being dangled from the branches. The fire was climbing the trees around her. She looked up to the tops of the trees. Tears streaming from her eyes. Her head tilted to Tsuna. She smiled a smile that made him want to run back to her. In his head he could hear her.
“Well at least one thing I love is safe.” She mouthed his name. “Tsuna, brother live.”
“Clara!” he yelled to her. But just then a tree fell between her and him, cutting off his view. The forest in front of them cleared a path out and Tsuna’s mother followed it without looking back. Tsuna reached to Clara as the flames became larger and ate away at the forest.
“Clara!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there, illitar, and welcome to YWS!
This was a very interesting chapter, and I really like the story.
Spelling and Grammar:
You need some work here. You are depriving your sentences of commas and other punctuation, especially in direct speech. This does rob your story of some of its elegance and charm. Check out the Knowledge Base for some articles on grammar. I recommend Punctuation Within Dialogue for some help with that direct speech.
Character Development:
You have done well with setting up the story, but I would really like to know more about the characters. How old is the brother? Is he afraid of caterpillars? Does he like to bake bread? Give him some more substance, even if only through a few scattered hints at a physical description. Does his mother try to tame his wild hair every morning? Does he wear leather boots or softer shoes? Give details!
Plot:
Good, I am intrigued! I'm not quite sure what's going on yet, but it's going well so far! It's only the first part and there is already good work here. But beware of jumping from one place to another without any sensible in-betweens:
“Agreed.” her father said. She screamed and squirmed as they grabbed onto her and threw her into a holding cell.
Where is this holding cell? Is it at their home? It certainly seems as if there is no interlude of dragging her through the town.
Writing Style:
Hmm... Quite good, but might need some work here and there. Be careful of giving overly simplistic, factual descriptions in textbook style:
The soldier stabbed his sword into the ground and lunged at Tsuna. He let out an array of punches and kicks that hit Tsuna with tremendous force. After a solid punch to the stomach Tsuna fell and cradled his stomach. The soldier grasped his blade and walked over to him.
Jazz it up with some emotion! Show, don't tell! Try something more like this (I'm not saying mine is perfect!):
The soldier lunged forward and missed. His sword stabbed into the ground and stuck, vibrating slightly. Tsuna could see the small flecks of blood around the hilt. He turned to run, but the soldier was faster. His fist crashed into the side of Tsuna's head, filling his vision with stars.
See? Make it vibrant, show everything! But this is quite interesting, so well done!
Good job, and keep the ink flowing!
Hi there! It's Abel here to review. And by the way, welcome to YWS.
This was a very interesting piece. It's like those children's folklore but with a slight gore insertion.
I was surprised to see that there's a second part. This part seems like a complete story. I just hope that in a bid to extend it, the story doesn't get spoiled.
Actually, there's nothing to review since the grammar is simple and the writing is in good format. So I'll be off to the second part.