Published March 5, 2012
Parties Told by Mary
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Kimberly and Anna were room mates in collage. They both loved parties, and were going to one on March 19th. The morning of the party, Anna got sick so she couldn’t go. Anna told Kimberly to go anyways, because she didn’t want Kimberly to not have fun, just because she was sick. Kimberly left Anna asleep on the couch. then she went down to her cherry red mini cooper. Once there, she realized she left her wallet on the counter. Kimberly went back up to her dorm and snuck in. She didn’t turn on the lights, because she didn’t want to wake Anna up. She grabbed her wallet and bent back to her car. Then she went to the party.
After about 3 hours, Kimberly decided she had to go back to her dorm.. When she went to her car, it wouldn’t start, so she started walking. After a few blocks, she saw police car slowly driving through the streets. She stopped it and asked for a ride back to her dorm. The police man agreed and she got in the car. After about a block, the policeman got a call. When he hung up, he turned to Kimberly and told her to get out of the car because there was a murder at the college. She told him that she went to that college and asked what building it was in. The policeman replied that it was building D and Kimberly told him her dorm was in building D and she asked what room it was in. The policeman told her it was in room 307.
At this point, Kimberly was very freaked out and she told the policeman that 307 was her dorm. The policeman told her to get in the car and they sped to the collage. On the way, the police explained that this murderer was called "Dark Death" because he always killed in the dark. He did this because he didn't want anyone to know when he killed them (Often at night when the victems were sleeping). He always left messages for the house owners on mirrors or walls written in lipstick or blood.
Once they were there, Kimberly rushed upstairs. When she got to her dorm, she saw the police taping the spot where Anna’s body is. Kimberly also saw Anna with a knife in her chest. Kimberly went to the bathroom to was her face and on the mirror, in lipstick, were the words:
Aren’t you glad you didn’t turn on the lights?
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138,843 Literary Works • 672,336 Reviews
Not to be a buzz kill or anything but, the title of the story isn't really what the story is about. It says 'Parties', yet a party makes up just a little insignificant role in the story.
From the first paragraph I knew that the story was about the popular urban legend. So I wasn't really fascinated by the whole thing.
I believe you could have made a little more effort to surprise your readers.
If I had been surprised, I'd have said the story is awesome.
Ikiru,
Oh my god that was awesome.
I absolutly loved it! The length was perfect and everything. You did such an amazing job and I just love the story. The ending was great as well. It was creepy and everything. I really hope you write more storiees like this!
Thank you so much for posting.
-lovelife
Oh, and please let me know when you post a new piece, I would love to read it!
This was interesting. I noticed some stuff that can be fixed when you go back to the drawing board.
[list=]When reading this I felt as if I was in a courtroom and a lawyer was laying out everything that happened! Simply meaning your sentences were too "factua.l" Try making your sentences a little bit more exciting rather than factual, give us the details but hide from us the full facts. Leave us to figure something out for ourselves.[/list]
[list=]It was so fast paced, and not fast paced in an action packed way (someone once said that to me once) but fast paced as the storlyline is moving very quickly. This makes the story uninteresting.
[/list]
[list=]Shouldn't this be in quotation marks?
It should be this:
[/list]
[list=]TIP
Use more dialogues, you will soon come to figure out why you should.[/list]
I really do hope this is just "part of a story" if it isn't then the last part is kind of confusing. I really cant figure out what will happen next. I hope you reach the goal you are aiming for with this story.
You are very talented!
~
Team Green Hulk
Updated! Please write more reviews so I can make this work better!
Hm. Interesting, scary story. Definitely gave me the chills. A couple problems though:
1) You had choppy, uninteresting sentences. There was only tell, no show (If you didn't know when you are a writer you don't want to tell, you want to show the reader, rather than tell giving them the feeling that they are in the story).
2) Your grammar needs some touch ups. That's all I need to say. It's just mechanical stuff.
3) Your story left me wanting to skip lines. This a red flag for any writer and it happens to everyone (especially to me. I don't want you to think I'm being spiteful). If your reader feels compelled to skip lines to the end, you need to have varying sentence structure and better descriptions and maybe more suspense and guessing. You don't want the reader to be expecting anything.
4) I wasn't clear on the ending but maybe that's what you wanted. Was it this killer who killed people who turned on the lights? Why didn't he kill Kimberly? Was it because he didn't want her to see him? Too many questions in all the wrong ways. If you want to keep your reader guessing at the end you don't want questions like that. Make it so maybe it's more eerie but a bit clearer and creepier.
It was, all in all, a very great beginning. I know "beginning" sets every writer mad or scared. One has to keep an open mind about their work though and understand that nothing they write can be perfect (myself and everyone on this Earth included).
You did great though Ikiru and I'm so glad you joined YWS! Keep writing and keep me posted on your new works. You have definitely made me your fan
Happy Writing!
Thank you for reviewing! For number 4, it was supposed to be a mystery, to keep people guessing. Thanks for reviewing again!
Oh right! Okay! You rocked though!!