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Published January 29, 2013
Rachel (Rachel is my friend's character)
Everything can change in a moment. I didn’t think he’d hit me. Then again, I didn’t think he’d do it the first time. My jaw started to ache.“Do you even know what this is all about?” she snarled.
I looked blankly at her.“I thought not” she started to turn towards the door.
“Wait . . .” I said. The words spilled out of my mouth. Shit. I had to think of something else to say. I grimaced.
“Aren’t you going to let me out of these cuffs and chains?” I murmured.
She heaved a sigh. Ha. She thought she had me. No one can trap me or else I wouldn’t be where I was now. She pulled the keys out of from her pocket. Soon I could once again feel my feet and hands. I massaged my wrists, they ached in pain.“You still haven’t told me your name.” she said.
I turned, and looked her up and down.. I smile. Well she has some guts. My smirk disappeared quickly and it was replaced with a grimace.Points:
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Hey there,
I'm musicgirl5001 and I'm kind of new at this so bare with me. The prologue was nice, but I don't think it was very necessary. Chapter 1 was nice, but I was kind of confused. Who's Rachel and how did she get tied up and everything? Kenzie seems like an "enjoyable" person. I like her character. The guy is very aggressive I see which is very good. I guess that meant he was the one who tied up Rachel. I don't know what this story should be, but once you write more then maybe I could think of something. This was a pretty good beginning. You don't have to do some of my suggestions though I don't really mind. So that's pretty much it.
Peace out,
musicgirl5001
Oh hi Ikiru! I discovered Part 1- fantastic! Now I can read it knowing what's going to happen in Part 2- which is a bit of a cheat but oh well, I enjoyed Part 2 so why not?!
The first thing that struck me- and sort of annoyed me- was the fact that it's the same scene told from two different perspectives. And while that has value, it could also get quite annoying as the novel goes on. Like, imagine you were having a conversation with two people, and the second one repeated everything the first one said, just paraphrased it a little. Like:
Bill: "I'd really like some chips right now."
Anne: "Bill wants some chips. I'd like some chips too."
Bill: "Anyway, so I was telling you this story..."
Anne: "Oh right, we were telling a story..."
Bill: "So we were on a cruise around the Meditarranean and we met this man-"
Anne: "You remember when we went on a cruise around the Meditarranean? Well we met this man on the ship..."
You see what I mean? Pretty soon you're going to stop paying attention to Anne. So that's something to consider.
Secondly, now that I've read this, I want to emphasise what I said in Part 2- I would like to know more about your world. We don't learn anything about it and I think that that's a serious drawback. Even just allude to things that you'll explain later. We don't even know who "she" is, why hasn't Rachel thought about it if she does have a clue? You have this amazing power to get into your character's head, to see the world- their world- through their eyes! Use it! You'll be amazed at the possibilities.
One nitpick that stood out- I'm pretty sure Kenzie's hair colour changes from blonde to red. Something to check out.
So overall this was good, I liked Rachel's perspective, I liked how snarky she was. I'd just like to see a little more world development!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thank you for your feedback. This is my friend's part of the story and she wanted me to put this on the site. Kenzie's hair is supposed to be red, but it was blond at first. I see what you mean with the story with two sides. Rachel is supposed to be a outsider to Kenzie's world, (I don't really know what that is yet, I need to figure it out soon!) and Kenzie is a girl who is trying to see if the rules of her society are ones she should abide by.
Thanks again!