Ana Windborne
“Stop!” One of the guards shout from behind me. I run faster, I see a break in the buildings, rounding the corner, I look behind me. Bad Idea. The uneven cobblestone of the streets causes me to trip, and fall on a broken bottle. Quickly I get back up. I start to run again, concentrating on getting to the woods, where my home is. I get to the edge of town. I glance behind me, the guards are rounding the corner. I hear shouts behind me as I swerve around the trees, wincing at the branches that hit my face and arms. I stop at the tallest tree. Jumping up and grabbing the lowest branch, I pull myself up. I climb about another ten feet or so, before reaching the shelter I had built out of boards I found in the dump. I yank on the rope, the trap door swings open. I crawl in and throw myself on the pile of blankets inside.
Suddenly my leg starts stinging. "Crap!" I say as I remember the cut. I look down at it, It wasn’t just a cut. The gash is about five inches long, going diagonal from my knee to my calf. Some of the blood had dried, but some was still running down my leg. I grab a sheet, my pocket knife and the pail of water. I cut a strip of the sheet, dunk it in the water and start cleaning my leg. Four strips of sheet later, I can see that it isn’t very deep. I cut a longer, wider strip of the sheet and wrap it around my leg. I look out the window, searching for the guards. Their metal suits aren’t really meant for the woods. I see the reflection of the sun off their suits. They are coming, slowly. A few minutes later, they arrive at my tree. The group of guards peer up at the house, wondering how to get me.
One of the guards with a mustache barks and order and one of the others pull out a bow and an arrow. The other guard runs and grabs some dry moss from the nearest tree. Mustache takes it and wraps it around the arrow head. “Match!” He shouts. A boy comes out from behind him and hands him a box. Then I realize that he is going to try to burn me out of the tree! Mustache takes one of the tiny sticks and lights it. A flame sparks up and he touches it to the moss. The flame flickers yellow and orange. He aims and shoots the arrow. The arrow lodges in the trap door. Soon I see the flames flick through the door. Quickly I climb out the window. The fire has spread throughout the bottom branches. With no where else to go, I climb up. After about two feet, my leg starts bleeding again. Quickly I stop climbing, the tree is going to end at some point anyways. I turn around, facing the guards. They are grinning, like they had won a prize at a fair game. I look down, the flames have now engulfed my house. I have no other option. Though I am about 18 feet up in the air, I have to jump. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Bracing myself, I jump. I have the quick sensation of flying, before my legs hit the ground and everything goes black.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
I would like more reviews please!
Thank you everyone! I have updated it!
This story has amazing potential, and so far it's going great! I just think you need to add a little more description for this piece is very rushed, I'm not sure if you want it to be rushed but I suggest you slow down a bit. This will make your book a little bigger and make it more interesting. It will also paint a greater picture and keep the reader engaged.
When I'm writing I like to ask myself:
What can the characters see? - surroundings? buildings, weather, Characters-clothes-facial express
What can they feel? for example a classic- a shiver ran up his spine- shows they are feeling fear, or you could just say they're scared which is less interesting
What can they smell? fumes-blood-food-rain-
What can they hear? traffic, dialogue, weather, background noise, music,
And so on.
I like the sense of mystery you have in your story, and I thought the burning arrow thing was pretty cool.
Maybe you should try describing the fire? The flames tears through my house and despair crashes through my body.
I'm sorry if this review is a bit harsh. Please write some more because I really like this!!!!
For a tip of becoming a better writer, when you read, keep a dictionary nearby for words you don't understand. This improves one's self dictionary surprisingly fast, and different words are more intriguing to the reader.
Oh, and try not to start your sentences with I to much, it gets a bit repetitive.
Keep writing!
From Em...
I don't mind if the review is harsh. I need to make my writing better, so I am glad for the reviews!
Hey there!
It seems to me that you have the basic outline of the story down. So that's good. However, I think that you can work on the little details in the story more. For example:
The appearance of the pail surprised me a bit. I mean the girl (I'm assuming it's a girl here, really sorry if it's not) is living in the woods in a shelter she built out of woods, so it seems a little strange that she might have a bucket with her. Perhaps you could put a sentence to tell us how it came to her possession. Like you could say: I grab a sheet, my pocket knife and the pail of water, I had found all those in the dump where I'd found the woods. Or something like that so that it doesn't look too out of place.
Another thing that confused me a bit is this part:
and this
Generally when you say trapdoor people get the impression that it's a hidden door, in the floors or in the walls and since you'd said that it was a shelter that the girl built by herself, I'd assumed that this maybe led underground, which works. But then the window appears and people don't generally have windows underground. So, I'm guessing here that she is still on ground level. Perhaps what you need to do is change the word 'trap door' to something more accurate.
Another thing that strikes me about the story is how the sentences seems rather choppy and not very smooth. Like this sentence:
This sentences just tells us what's happening. I guess the best I can compare it to is a story that goes like: Today, I got up. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I ate breakfast. Then I went to school....etc.
I'm not saying that your story sounds like that, but the general feel I get from it is a bit like that. Does that makes sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is the story feels a bit choppy. You could make it smoother like: He aims and shoots the arrow. The arrow flies towards my house and lodges itself in the trap door. I don't know if you see the difference there or not. But for me, personally, I think the second sentence sounds a bit smoother.
I found several more sentences in the story that can afford to be smoother too, besides that one. So maybe you could go through the story and make the story flow better.
Minor details and choppy sentences aside, I think that you've got an idea of where this is going to go. So, yes, I do think this is worth continuing.
Hey,
It isn't bad but i did notice a few mistakes which I will point out to you.
"wincing at the branches that hit my face and arms." I would write "wincing as the branches hit my face and arms."
Also you change tense from present to past in a few spots I will point them out "I look down at it, It wasn’t just a cut" It should be "I look down at it, is isn't just a cut."
also you do in in some other spots as well.
I would try maybe adding a few longer sentences to help the flow of it.
It is good though but you need to work on sentence structure and that sort of stuff!
Love Nargles xx
P.S keep it up!!
Please Review. I need to know if this is good enough to continue. Also please tell me if you see any typos.