This was for an English project about walls, so, yeah...
High above trees,
I may rise,
Or a small sapling,
May be my size,
I may be real,
I may be fake,
You cannot steal,
What I have to take,
For I may take happiness,
And lock it away,
To bring it back out,
Another day,
Or maybe I’ll take,
Away from you,
Something as simple,
As simple as a shoe,
You may climb and climb,
But may never reach,
The top of my power,
And my own separate beach,
But hopefully you,
Won’t run into me that way,
For I have another personality,
And like a cat with yarn,
I will play,
I can separate you,
From evils unknown,
So you can go on,
Without being hit by the stone,
The stone that may be thrown,
Is evil indeed,
It’ll turn you away from the goodness you need,
I can separate you,
From really bad things,
From loud noise,
Or a fight,
Or loud alarm clock rings,
From the hotness and humidity,
Of a mid-July day,
From the rain,
Or the snow,
Of a very early May,
So you see,
My child,
I’m not always bad,
I can be quite good,
At once I was a fad,
I once was a beauty,
A symbol of pride,
Once 17,703 miles long,
And many, many feet wide,
Whether mental or physical,
I conquer all,
Any that threatens me,
Soon will fall,
For I have a power,
That cannot be beat,
The power of separation,
The ultimate feat…
Thanks for reading, please comment. Your opinion means a lot to me, good or bad. Thank you so much!!!
-iheartbooks♥
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Canary word: Present
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I think this poem might benefit from longer lines. For example, something like "High above trees I may rise / Or a small sapling may be my size". Right now, I feel like I should stop and pause after every line (mostly because of the commas, but not entirely), and sometimes it makes the flow between lines sound more awkward than they need to.
Also with flow, watch the number of syllables per line. For example, I'd suggest replacing "You cannot steal / What I have to take" with "You cannot steal / What I can take" first so that the verb can is repeated, and second because can is only one syllable while have to is two.
I'm not sure if there was a length requirement for this poem or not, but I found myself losing interest once the imagery shifted from nature ("High above trees") to more household things ("Or a loud alarm clock rings"), and I wasn't entirely sure about the story I was supposed to be following through to the end of the poem.
You did a great job keeping with the theme of walls, though! Happy writing
Nice. Very nice.
Keep up the good work!
Hey. I like this poem. It isn't a common theme to use, but it is still good. The only thing I have to say it that maybe you shouldn't break up each line with a comma. You can still have the separate lines, but think about where you used the punctuation. Otherwise it seems a bit edgy, and rough. But I really like this.