Published September 27, 2010
I just saw a firefly,
With long, golden hair.
It gave me a small wave,
And cast a spell upon my chair.
So when it started to fly away,
I came too.
And up into the starry night,
We flew and flew and flew.
We rose above the chimney stacks,
And high above the trees.
Up farther than the clouds,
I could even see the seas.
But even then,
We did not stop,
And if we didn't soon,
I knew the top,
Would be upon us fast,
And then we'd be straight to the moon.
Farther and farther and farther we soared,
Yet we never hit a wall.
Instead the firefly's light went out,
And we began to fall.
Past the seas and chimney stacks,
Past the trees and clouds.
Everything was coming back,
The sounds became so loud.
Here it comes,
My death was near,
But it never seemed to be.
For I had just,
Dreamed it all,
'Cause ashes can cast a spell on me.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,498 Reviews
Well, I like this poem a lot, just go a feww suggestions...
Thats about it... Maybe look over the last stanza, change it up a bit, it has long lines and short lines with mess up the flow...
Hope this helps,
~Rain~
OMG that was incredibly BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! I stink at poems but I love reading them. Love it how it tells the story and how you described several things and how beautiful it was
Hi! I thought that was really creative and cute. I can just imagine it in a children's book or something like that
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So, to get grammar out of the way:
There doesn't need to be a comma after "top". Also, the last line here is the only one I thought stuck out a little from the rest of the poem. It just seems too long and "we'd be straight to the moon" doesn't completely make sense. I think changing either the "we'd" to "it'd" or "straight" to something like "near" would work better.
Same thing here - no comma after "just".
When I read this stanza was when I started to smile. I like the rhyming and overall rhythm of this poem because it flows so well. In my head, I read the last line here with an exclaimation mark because it just fit there so maybe you could change that if you want to.
I also really like how the poem's a dream. In stories, I think dreams are a little cliched, but I've rarely seen them used so well in poems. So, amazing work and don't stop writing!
Wow, first is first. Congrats on making this the almost best piece of work I've read. This had so much imagery, I felt like I was there in your dream. Now for the body of the whole work,
Overall I think it was great, keep up the good work!