The Empty streets of Azure Town quickly became flooded with the inhabitants. The onlookers watched what was left of the tavern burn to the ground. Within minutes the Azure Army had arrived to put out the fire. They came in dozens with water buckets filled to the brim. One soldier looked at the peculiar site. He caught the brothers bloodied and mildly burned under rubble. They we completely staring at him. It was an Unblinking, fixed, and soulless stare. The soldier, red as a cherry tomato, freaked out and drew his weapon on the two.
"Whoa! Whoa!" Brandon laughed. "We were just playing!"
His laughter was then followed by a coughing fit. He began to cough blood.
James glared at the soldier,"Could we seriously get some help please!"
"Oh...oh oh ok!" The man scarily shouted. He ran away until he disappeared into the smoke.
Brandon pushed off some of the rubble. He noticed a fork was lodged in his thigh. Slowly he pulls out the fork and throws it at James, "All jokes aside Jim. I'm in a lot of pain." he mumbled.
"Hold on Brandon" said James. He was in terrible shape also. he grasped his ribs. "1...2..3. that's 3 broken ribs, and I think I my hand is broken. I can't tell..." James tries to pick up a rock with his right hand and squeals in pain. "Its broken." He chuckled as he watched Brandon wince. "Save you're strength. Our newest crew member will be showing up any minute now."
"I trust you." Brandon sighed. He stopped squirming and closed his eyes.
On the other side of the tavern the waitress had been telling the squad leader about the events leading up to this mishap.
"...Then the two idiots sat and talked while the building was going down. I tried to warned them but the were two were too busy cuddling. So now their dead and nobody can pay for the damage."
The Squad leader politely responded, "my lady, we this is the only tavern in town. we will do our best to assist you. Now Please, go home and get some well deserved rest."
"Its 3 am." She responded. "I can't sleep. I'm walking over to Azure beach. I need some air."
As she was leaving she saw a soldier running back with a smile on his face. He was screaming, "we found survivors! Two of them." Her sad and helpless face had became enraged and violent. She wanted revenge. From under her dress she pulled out a sawn-off shotgun and ran towards the area she saw the soldier run from.
"Report." The squad leader ordered.
"Captain, my captain." the soldier responded" I found two survivors, covered in rubble. they looked to be in bad shape."
"what did they look like?"
"Well they were both tall. Mid twenties to late twenties. One of them was laughing and coughing up blood. His head was shaven with no facial hair. He also had a horizontal cut on his nose. The more serious one had a long ponytail and a scraggly beard. They kind of looked like twins."
"Anything else?"
"I think they were crazy." The soldier's tone got real low. "They looked like crap and yet they thought it was funny to stare at me like they were the devil themselves. Either that or they were idiots..."
"Idiots...idiots...idiots!" The Squad captain exclaimed. "Listen up! There is a woman, she owned this tavern, she has on a long black and white dress. She just ran in the direction of the alleged arsonist. Please find her before she finds them."
*Bang*
*Bang*
The echo's of the gunshot silent the otherwise loud night and like a stampede all of town ran towards the sound.
"Dammit!" The squad captain yelled at the top of his lungs while running though the crowd. "Tactic 16! Tactic 16! secure the perimeter! Nobody enters or leaves this town! Spread the word!"
"Tactic 16!" A soldier yelled.
"Tactic 16!" another yelled.
In minutes the army had successfully stationed at all exits of town. They sat and awaited orders.
Finally the captain had arrived at the source of the gunshots. Nothing was there. No gun, no body. Just blood and a half melted Emblem. The captain examined the emblem. His face became pale and his hands were clammy. "No. No. No. No. No. This is not good." He whispered.
"The trident..."The Town drunk whispered. "The Trident! The God of the sea is back! He grew louder and more sober as he lifted his hands into the air.
The captain fell to his knees and silently listened along with the townspeople as the drunk told the tale of the Pirate God.
"The man named James Young. It was said that he made a deal with the devil for eternal youth and extreme killing skills. He only knew perfection and never smiled. He had a crew of only 30 men and they all as loyal as they were deadly. He once killed an army of 100 men by himself. After his victory he decapitated them and threw their heads on a raft and sent them to the military as a warning; they backed down. He was able to go anywhere and nobody would even look in his direction. Luckily or unluckily for the world, 30 years ago he vanished after meeting this woman. His leave led to the new era of military rule. It is said that most of his crew was or killed when they disbanded. They said the woman poisoned him. Some say she was a goddess who made him her king. Some say he couldn't deal with himself and committed suicide after killing her. we've been under the thumb of the government for over 30 years and once this gets out... expect a revolution. Welcome to the new age!" The drunk laughed. He took a sip from his flask and passed out.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
All right, this chapter is a little confusing.
First, there’s this.
Is the “she” in the last paragraph still the same waitress from the first? She’s just had a sawn-off gun under her dress all this time? Where did she get it? Does she always have it with her? How does nobody notice? Why would a waitress want revenge, and on whom? Why does the news of survivors drive the waitress into a vengeful rage in the first place?
Then we later get this.
This answers at least one of the questions from before—if we assume the woman mentioned here is in fact the waitress from before. Because the tavern owner would presumably want revenge on whoever started the fire.
But now there are new questions instead. First of all, if this woman is the same woman from the last part, it would be helpful to always refer to her as “the tavern owner” rather than calling her a “waitress” at first. If she’s not the waitress but IS the woman who pulled a sawn-off shotgun from under her dress, then it should be mentioned in the prior scene that the tavern owner is also there when the waitress is being interviewed.
Second, the squad captain says that the woman “ran in the direction of the alleged arsonist,” but nothing was said about the alleged arsonist previously! A soldier came up and said there were two survivors, and then the woman got all angry and went after them. But the two survivors were never tied to the arson. If they ARE allegedly arsonists, that’s fine—but in that case, that should come up when the soldier tells everyone about the survivors.
Then there’s the ending.
I was okay until the drunk starts telling the tale of the Pirate God. The story itself confused, but also: how did we get here? Is James Young the same James who was trapped beneath the rubble of a burning building? Anyway, backstory like this is better sprinkled throughout the story if possible. Let’s imagine you left off with this line.
Whoa, suspense! Who is the God of the Sea? What does the Trident portend? Is it just an emblem, or is there an actual physical trident the god of the sea has? Was one of the two boys the god of the sea?
These are good questions to inspire in readers, because they make us want to keep reading so we’ll find out more. If you tell us the whole story right there at the end of the chapter, we aren’t left with as many questions.
Finally, it was hard for me to develop a connection with any particular character because there didn’t seem to be any one viewpoint character. The chapter jumped from the perspective of a soldier to James and Brandon to the squad leader to the drunk. The result is that I didn’t attune to any one character’s feelings and I don’t feel like I know much about any one character.
Except that the tavern owner is crazy.
Thanks for all of your input! Sorry, I was kind of late responding. I love the points you brought up. I hope you could read the next chapter. I have so many ideas and I take into consideration the length of the story so I tend to stuff as much info into a chapter as I can.
Hey there, igotthesauce! I read chapter one, so I figured I should come on over and review chapter two for you.
Well done, you've got an interesting plot coming along.
The Empty streets of Azure Town quickly became flooded with the inhabitants.
This is just a small nitpick which you don't have to pay attention to. It's just a little thing that could bring your writing to the next level. I suggest you swap the inhabitants with its inhabitants. You mentioned the town earlier on in the sentence, and the inhabitants belong to it, so the sentence would sound better with its.
It was an Unblinking, fixed, and soulless stare.
Unblinking doesn't need to be capitalised.
Brandon pushed off some of the rubble. He noticed a fork was lodged in his thigh. Slowly he pulls out the fork and throws it at James, "All jokes aside Jim. I'm in a lot of pain." he mumbled.
This happens a few times throughout the chapter, so you might like to read through and check on your tenses. You often swap between past and present. He /noticed/ a fork /was/ lodged in his high: past. He /pulls/ out the fork and /throws/ it at James: present. It's important to stick to just one tense to maintain a good sentence flow.
"Idiots...idiots...idiots!" The Squad captain exclaimed.
I think I said this in my review of the previous chapter, but I love the believable way you write about your characters' personalities and their dialogue. Each has their own voice, and I especially liked your squad captains voice. He really does sound like your typical squad captain.
"Dammit!" The squad captain yelled at the top of his lungs while running though the crowd. "Tactic 16! Tactic 16! secure the perimeter! Nobody enters or leaves this town! Spread the word!" Here's another example of the speech I love.
I liked the foreboding way you ended the chapter with the words of the drunkard. Very creepy.