Young!- Chapter 1: story by the fire

There's definitely a certain atmosphere to this type of upbeat story that one could find enjoyable. I love the energy that your dialogue has. If anything else, your style of writing tends to make it so that there's never a dull moment in the entire chapter. Something else you do really well is hooks -- the beginning dialogue is so aloof that it makes me want to keep reading. Likewise, the cliffhanger at the end makes me want to click the next chapter to see what happened to Captain James.

I'd work to enrich your story by other means, though. It seems like a million things are happening, but they're happening at every different angle so fast that it's hard for a reader to comprehend it. Chapters should aim to tell one thread of a larger and grander story. Here you have men jumping into the tavern and attacking the pirate, then you have this waitress yelling at them, and then the tavern explodes out of nowhere. I'd also give your characters a bit more thorough description. Early on you describe Captain James as drunken, then you do it five more times. We know he's drunken -- tell us something else about him that will draw us to his character.

I found James and his brother to be un-likeable compared to the waitress. Be careful you aren't making a Spongebob-Squidward situation where the main characters end up being less sympathize than the grouchy character they're annoying. Or maybe that's exactly what you want.

Just keep practicing your writing, this has potential. Thanks for sharing

I really enjoyed the atmosphere in this chapter. It felt like something out of pirates of the Caribbean almost. I could easily picture him sitting in the tavern spinning a yarn while others listened in.


I also thought it was pretty funny, especially for an opening chapter. You can tell that the brothers are rivals with each other. I also like how they don't really seem to care about anyone other than themselves.

Let's start this review!
Amazing story. I love the cliffhanger and perfect pacing for a short story. The way the drunken man interacts with the people in the tavern is well done. I like how he stop in the middle of his sentence to ask the waitress for beer, this creates a more human-like character for me. Another part I truly enjoy was the waitress trying to get the James and Bradon out before they explode to death. I like how James ignored her until she pushed him down and ran off.

The only problem with your story is basic grammar errors. Rember beginning of a sentence is uppercase and when someone who is talking finishes close off with quotation marks.
And when this happen, "I am not who you think I am," exclaimed the goat. "I am! Peter Robison!"
Make sure to close off the speaking part when you put the person talking in the middle of their talking bit. As shown above.

This all and thank for writing for I can enjoy and review.

Hey there, igotthesauce!

I started slicing n' dicing-killing and blood everywhere!
I really like the colloquial language you use, it makes for an informal, almost comedic story. But I can take your character seriously too, in fact, he comes across a little like a cowboy sort of person. One thing I noticed about the above sentence is that you missed a word before 'blood'. It would sound much better if you put a word such as 'spraying' there, so it becomes 'and spraying blood everywhere!'

"Liar!" the crowd yelled.
"fraud!"
"Mooch"
"freeloader!"
Great use of descriptive names. It's pretty clear what everyone thinks of your main character, and leaves me wondering, 'how is he going to get out of this situation?' One thing to improve on though is your use of capitalisation. Those words all need to start with capitals, because they are at the beginning of sentences.

That chapter ended on a massive cliff-hanger! It was a pretty good first chapter and did a great job at introducing me to the character and story. Thanks for sharing.

Please like and I don't mind knit picks. I accept all criticism. Still a positive feedback could make my day also