z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A New Light- Over veiw

by igniscientiaffxv


The chosen queen fills the prophesied position with the most upright dignity. The knowledge that she holds uprights the position as the destined queen. a sacrifice is made for the kingdom that she holds for responsible. A SACRIFICE SO POWERFUL THAT SHE MUSTN’T BE ASHAMED OF IT.

Knowledge is that the most powerful weapon that she holds that she must pass it on to the next queen in following line. A sacred bracelet that only the true queen can wear withholds the power to take an entire fleet of the gem’s absconding family that it to must make a sacrifice so regal that it is destined sacrifice must be the wearer’s thing enemy.

character withstands the true value of the sacrifice that it is a must. A burden that the wear shall uphold is that of one protecting the royalties family and it’s most valued citizens. Protecting the people of Pollard.



The wearer is the chosen queen and she must meet all of the remaining quest for the eyes of the 5 gods. It is she who bares the bracelet must remain secretive. A mystery for the young princess shall be solved by the Adviser.

The chosen King must remain calm and collected. A fairy lives under his pillow granting his wishes for the kingdom as the better deed. After 20 years of light the king must wish for the wish of being the dragons protection and offer the gods of the kingdom to his protection.

My Love for a life sacrifice

I’ve seen worse but yet better. It all began with one click of a gun that made me worth looking for. Society labeled me as a nerd and a analytics tester. Although that seems true it’s all wrong. Now let us tell a tale of horror, fear, mystery, and something more fragile that no one could take away from me.

“What’s the matter with you!? Why do I have to sit here and fear with my life just so I can be happy?” I yell all mad because I wanted some rest for once in my life.”Geez Genevieve I didn’t know okay I got a little impatient just because your life’s rough doesn’t mean you can take it out on me!” Ikayshi say trying to prove his point. I scoffed knowing all was wrong. “Know what just leave me alone for abit then maybe you can see how rough it is for me! You don’t know what it’s like for your only family to turn against you am I right or am I wrong!?” I yell out at Ikayshi.

He stormed out of the room. Why am I the one at fault here? My fiance is supposed to agree with and love me, not hate on me and despise it. I sat watching my parents make fun of me and not doing anything about it till finally I ran away. They begged for me to come back ,but I refused because I was finally happy with someone I love with it being Ikayshi. Warm and heartfelt, he found me on the side of the road on his way back from a trip with a best friend.

I saw headlights beam from the faint distance. As I shielded my eye from the light someone stepped out of the vehicle. I stepped towards it and saw the person in the vehicle had some food.”Miss are you okay? Do you need a ride somewhere?” The stranger say getting out of the car. “I umm… I guess so. I’m Genevieve.” I say getting in the car. “Ikayshi Shikomare. You can call me K for short. Are you hungry?” He say reaching back for something.”Y-yes. I-i r-r-ran away from my home and haven’t ate in days….” I say with relief.” Would you like me to take you back?” He say handing me a sandwich.” No my parents are awful. My ex abused me and I have no friends.” i say tearing up. “Oh my wanna come stay back at my place?” K say looking at my black eye. I winced a bit even though the pain is worse than meets the eye.”Sure if you don’t mind.” I say biting into the sand which.

My memory so vague and vivid I smiled. I kinda felt bad for what I had said because he was the one to fix my broken wings when he didn’t know it. “K. I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I love you no matter what.” I say hugging him tightly.”I’m sorry to. I was wrong and I know it. Your life’s been harder than mine in reality I’m supposed to be the one who’s always there for you.” He say hugging back lightly. “Wanna go get some pizza?” he say playing with my hair. “Sure if you can answer this correctly.” I say smirking. “What’s the question?” He say sarcastically. “I lived through the light. Seen the dark. Am always on fire,but barely looked directly at. Who am I?” I say rhythm and happy. “The sun that brings out your majestical eyes. I couldn’t say the worse because the light in you has finally brightened for the better of us.” K say looking for the smile. I gave out an everlasting smile that could live with.

Something felt improper and out of place.”I’ll be back.” I say feeling a bit woozy under so much pressure. I vomited right there on his shoes.”G oh my gosh G! What do I do?” K say in a panicky voice. “Take your shoes off and throw them in the wash. Then get me some aspirin and orange juice.”I say holding my clenching stomach. My eyes rolled to the back for the wintery white as I tumbled to the ground.I heard K screaming out my name in fear as I lie there in front of him.”Let the queen seek forth her true calling. Seek of the one that wields a weapon so divine that the battles it posses are no more. See the light of a true queen and take the journey to be wed her man of choosing for he too has a destiny to fulfill.” Said an unfamiliar deep voice that makes one want to shiver dead to their grave.

I began glow as I spun high in the air.” Blessed Stars of Heaven N’ Earth bring life and light to remove this Darkness with a safe flight from Song a Calling!” I say as I arched my back with relief of utter nonsense.”G babe you okay?” K say holding my hand. “ Y-yeah. You look spooked what happened?” I say sitting up.”Ummm well you fainted and you got your wings. What else ? Oh yeah you also are queen of our land and my heart. “ K say helping me up.”Well if I’m Queen you know that makes you King right?” I say leaning on him.”Well with you ruling at my side I think we could do good.” K say deviously smirking.

I went to the bathroom and started the shower.Gracefully I stepped in and sat down. I looked at my littered wrist.’ maybe just one. It wouldn’t hurt.’ I say as I picked the item up.”Just one. “ I whispered as I did it. It felt risky but certain. Losing blood rapidly I know what to do. I sat there bleeding out.”Genevieve everything okay?” K say lightly knocking on the door. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t speak for that matter. Paralysis overtook my body as I went out again.

I heard the door click as it busted open ”GENEVIEVE! What happened?” K said as he got some clothes on me. My head fell forward with the inability to speak. The blood from my wrist dripped on K. I heard the phone and whimpered.”I know baby. I’m getting help.” K say bandaging my arm.”Genevive can you hear me?” The paramedic say putting my light airy body on the gourney.’Ikayshi I’m so sorry I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much. Make me smile please just hear me out.’ I silently begged.” K? What happened?” I say tearing up. My choices are my consequences.”You did it you tried to commit.” K say holding my hand. “I-I-I Fudge it’s back. They’re near.” I say as I had to overcome a sense of dread.

“I wish I had a beautiful past. I went through so many surgeries to be as beautiful as I am now. Society judged me poorly and now I owe a debt that I can’t pay. My eyes are the only thing that holds faith that brings me my trust. My wings are broken and it’s painful. Why can’t someone understand my pain?”I say leaving a few tears behind with it. Although I cannot speak for him I saw a few tears roll down his face.

He took my face in his cold hands. I knew I had chose the right man.

----- Many Months Later-----

“Do you Ikayshi Shimare take Genevieve Airel to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Said the pastor gracefully.” Yes,I do.” He said putting the ring on my finger. “Do you Genevieve Airel take Ikayshi Shimare in sickness and in health. In richness and poorness. Till death do you part?” The pastor say gleemingly.”I do.” I say putting the gold ring on him.”You may now kiss the bride.” The pastor say as K kissed me romanticaly.

“K I’m pregnant” I say as he stopped dead in his tracks. “WHAT!” He say in a whisper. I stood up.”Excuse me everyone can I have your attention!” I say as everyone looked at me. “As you know today we just got married but in 9 months more or so we are expecting our first child!” I say as everybody's jaw dropped. I smiled knowing I had fulfilled my destiny.


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Points: 0
Reviews: 156

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Sun May 27, 2018 5:51 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hi there, igniscientiaffxv, Katja here to review your story! Please feel free to disregard any and all comments/suggestions i make should you find them unhelpful. That being said, let's get to the reviewing....

Suggestion first, and since your story is rather long, it may contain more suggestions than usual. I will try to avoid nitpicking too much, and instead provide important feedback to help you improve your story/writing.

1. The first issue I noticed is that you tend to cram all the dialogue together into one big paragraph. When transitioning back and forth between character's speaking, you will start a new paragraph for each person. This website explains the use of dialogue and formatting in depth, and to keep my review from being too long, I encourage you to read the article to learn more about formatting and dialogue in stories. https://firstmanuscript.com/format-dialogue/

2. Your use of capitalization, while not technically incorrect, occasionally implies shouting, or simply emphasizes unnecessary parts of your story.

A SACRIFICE SO POWERFUL THAT SHE MUSTN’T BE ASHAMED OF IT.

”GENEVIEVE! What happened?”
Even though this is a shouting dialogue, the use of capitalization is not necessary to get the point across. that is what exclamation points are for.
“WHAT!” He say in a whisper.
Especially since he is whispering, the use of capitals is very very off-putting.

These are all places I would replace them with regular wording.

3. General mistakes. I did not get them all, only the more obvious ones that i could find. I put the suggested corrections in red after the quote.

Knowledge is that the most powerful weapon that she holds that she must pass it on to the next queen in following line.


Knowledge is the most powerful weapon that she can hold. She must pass her knowledge onto the next queen in line for the crown.

After 20 years


Numbers should be spelled out in writing.

he pastor say gleemingly.
“WHAT!” He say in a whisper.


Say should be says

Lastly, the final reaction, when he discovers that Ikayshi is with child, his immediate reaction is to stan and tell everyone. The only response she got was "What!". I feel as though, he at least should express his happiness, or any emotion really, to her before doing this. His reaction is strange and not quite what one would expect.

My overall opinion:

Your story is definitely very interesting and has a lot of potential. I'm not sure if your first language is English, there were some grammatical and spelling errors throughout, but once corrected your story will be easier to understand. You've done a great job on your story so far!

Keep writing,

-Katja




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Points: 4109
Reviews: 94

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Sun May 27, 2018 5:30 pm
Wordzyy wrote a review...



Hey! I just loved this piece, You got me hooked at the very beginning.

These following words:

"Knowledge is that the most powerful weapon that she holds that she must pass it on to the next queen in following line. A sacred bracelet that only the true queen can wear withholds the power to take an entire fleet of the gem’s absconding family that it to must make a sacrifice so regal that it is destined sacrifice must be the wearer’s thing enemy."

It was relatable to the theme. And the way you bring the words to life is just so awesome.
The content was intriguing.

"I heard the door click as it busted open ”GENEVIEVE! What happened?” K said as he got some clothes on me. My head fell forward with the inability to speak. The blood from my wrist dripped on K. I heard the phone and whimpered.”I know baby. I’m getting help.” K say bandaging my arm.”Genevive can you hear me?” The paramedic say putting my light airy body on the gourney.’Ikayshi I’m so sorry I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much. Make me smile please just hear me out.’ I silently begged.” K? What happened?” I say tearing up. My choices are my consequences.”You did it you tried to commit.” K say holding my hand. “I-I-I Fudge it’s back. They’re near.” I say as I had to overcome a sense of dread"

WOO! I was totally in the speaker's shoe, you have a great imagination and vocabs are powerful, used just right.

Again,
“K I’m pregnant” I say as he stopped dead in his tracks. “WHAT!” He say in a whisper. I stood up.”Excuse me everyone can I have your attention!” I say as everyone looked at me. “As you know today we just got married but in 9 months more or so we are expecting our first child!” I say as everybody's jaw dropped. I smiled knowing I had fulfilled my destiny."

Awesome writing, Can't wait for more!!

you have a great knack in fantasies. Looking forward for more. Keep writing :)





If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates