Chapter 6
The three-hour hike to the cabin was a slow-motion torture. Every jagged root on the trail seemed to aim for my feet, sending jolts of agony straight into my mangled shoulder. Caden was a ghost ten paces ahead of me, his silhouette flickering through the dense pine needles. He didn't look back once. He just kept walking, his hand compulsively tapping his pocket as if checking for a heartbeat.
When the cabin finally emerged from the gray morning mist, I nearly fell. It was a rotting gray husk of logs tucked into the throat of the forest. The air here was different—still and heavy, smelling of damp earth and something ancient.
"We're here," Caden said. His voice was a flat, hollow sound. He kicked the door open, the groan of the hinges echoing like a scream through the silent trees. "Go inside, Alex. I... I have to check the perimeter. Make sure nobody followed us from the bus station."
I was too exhausted to wonder why he was being so weird. I stumbled into the dim room, the air thick with ten years of dust. It felt like walking into a tomb. I collapsed onto a moth-eaten sofa, my breath coming in shallow gasps.
But I couldn't rest. The room felt... occupied. My eyes scanned the floor until they snagged on a single floorboard near the fireplace. It was slightly raised, the dust around its edges disturbed by more than just time. I knelt down to the floorboard, my teeth gritted so hard my jaw ached. The motion sent a wave of fire through my shoulder. I had to ignore the pain, focus on the lockbox. My good hand fumbled with the metal latch, leaving smears of blood and dust on the gray metal. The pain was screaming at me to stop, to lie down, to quit, but the mystery of the box was louder.
Underneath sat a heavy, metal lockbox. My fingers shook as I clicked the latches.
Inside, it was a time capsule of a life I’d forgotten. Dozens of Polaroids were scattered across the bottom—random, candid shots of a woman with dark hair and blue eyes that were a mirror of my own. My real mom. She was laughing in a garden, she was holding a toddler—me—and she was looking at my dad with a look of pure, unguarded love. I held the photograph of my real mother, the first I’d seen in a decade. It felt like holding ice to my burning skin. She was beautiful, not a monster in a story, but a person with a genuine smile that reached her eyes. I ran a thumb over the image, my eyes burning with tears. I could almost smell that vanilla perfume she used to wear. The feeling of missing a ghost was suddenly overwhelming, a deep ache in my chest that had nothing to do with my injured shoulder. I had a mom, and I had been lied to my whole life.
I felt a sob catch in my throat. I’d been told she died in a house fire when I was three. But as I dug deeper, the "random" pictures started to tell a story. I found a newspaper clipping of that fire—the black-and-white image of a skeletonized house. Scrawled on the back in my dad’s frantic handwriting was: It wasn't an accident. She's safe in the Colorado foothills. Tell Alex only when the ‘Shadow’ is gone.
The 'Shadow.' My stepmother. The person I've been forced to call my mother for ten years since the age of seven.
At the very bottom, buried under the photos, I found a burner phone and a small, handwritten note from my real mom dated only six months ago: I'm waiting, Elias. Bring him to me when it's safe.
My breath hitched as I dug deeper, Under the note was the grainy photo of the "Shadow," my stepmother, sitting in a dull sedan. Standing at her window was the same man who jumped in front of our car, the man who had killed my dad. Her face was calm in the photo, almost expectant. A slow, chilling smile played on her lips, a coldness that seemed to bleed off the paper. It wasn't the face of a grieving widow; it was the face of a predator making a down payment on a hit. Tucked into a photo frame was a bank slip for a large cash withdrawal and a frantic note in my dad’s handwriting: She’s paying him. It wasn't for me—it was for the kid. The "accident" is coming. I have to get him out tonight.
She wasn't dead. My dad hadn't lost his wife—he had hidden her. And the accident... the guy jumping in front of the car... it wasn't just a mistake. It was a failed hit on my life that took my dad instead.
"No," I whispered, the word breaking in the quiet air. "No, no, no..."
A sharp vibration from the coffee table made me jump. Caden had left his phone. I crawled over, my vision blurred by tears, and looked at the screen. A text from Uncle Rick glowed in the dark:
ETA 5 minutes. Keep him there. His stepmom is with me. You did good, Caden. Money’s waiting.
The world stopped spinning. The air left my lungs. I looked up to see Caden standing in the doorway, his silhouette blocked by the gray morning light. He wasn't holding a weapon, but his face was a mask of crushing regret.
"Alex," he whispered, his voice trembling. "I... My uncle said they just wanted to talk. He said they'd get you help. I didn't know... I didn't know about the money until we were on the bus."
"You knew," I choked out, a hot tear trailing through the grime on my face. "You knew she tried to kill me last night, and you still brought me here?"
"I tried to fix it!" he cried, taking a step toward me. "I was going to tell you! I was going to help you find her!"
Outside, the distant, growling rumble of an SUV engine broke the silence of the woods. They were here.
I looked at Caden—the friend who saved me and the traitor who sold me. I didn't trust him. I didn't even know him. But as the tires crunched heavily on the gravel outside and I heard the dull thud of heavy boots on the porch steps, I realized I had two choices: stay and die, or run with a liar.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
-Just a couple nitpicky things here since I do already like what you have. First would be the use of the word emerge, for me at least, it doesn't feel like the best word here. When I see the word emerge, I think of something that's moving. Since it is a cabin, we know that it is a stationary thing and so it can't really move through the mist. I think a stronger word for this sentence would be appeared or materialized. While they all mean the same thing I think personally it would suit better though since what you have isn't grammatically wrong it isn't necessary to change it. The second thing would just be the repeated use of the color gray to describe the cabin. Again, just another nit-picky personal thing but it feels weird to picture the cabin as being made of logs while colored gray. I like the idea of it being rotted and almost blending into the landscape, but I think that could be effectively shown with just removing gray before it. Especially since you've already described the mist as gray. Right now, it's almost monotonous.
-I would change how you have the lockbox written. Right now, you have your character talking about the lockbox before we are even aware he found it. It is very jarring. Simple fix, just shift the last sentence I underlined up so it reads before your characters action of focusing on it.
Since Alex is reading what his father wrote I would suggest having it in italics, so it doesn't read as his narration. Same with the note that his mother left. Also, I would suggest changing the use of 'real mom' to 'actual mom.' Having it once is fine, but now it feels weird since we know that Alex has a stepmom. She too is a real person, and if she is married to his father then she would in theory (and by law) be considered a real mom to him, even if she doesn't treat him like a mom would treat their child. The use of the word 'actual' would imply that while his stepmom makes him call her mom and possibly pretend like she's his only mother, we know that she isn't.
-you don't need to keep telling us that the shadow he is talking about is his stepmom since we have already been given that information.
How had Caden left his phone on the coffee table. The last time we saw him he had simply kicked the door open and instructed Alex to go inside. Unless he came in with him or came in after Alex had found the box, it makes no sense that it is there now. That also leads to the question on if Caden did enter the cabin while Alex was occupied with the lock box, wouldn't he have said something, or possibly Alex would have noticed his presence behind him?[/quote]
-Okay cool, now we know where Caden is currently in the moment, still doesn't explain how his phone ended up on the coffee table. I'm also a little confused on how Caden knows what the text says. Right now, you have him standing in the doorway, the phone on the table and Alex possibly leaning over it to read the text since he crawled over. Unless Caden is all knowing and or has extremely enhanced vision, it seems a little far-fetched to think that he would be able to comment on the text from their uncle without first having to check what it said, or read it.
-That was the fastest five minutes I've ever read. Your pacing is a little fast. Maybe you could have a bit more conversation between Alex and Caden here. Build up the suspense a little before his stepmom and uncle arrive.
This is a pretty interesting story so far, I may have not read anything that has come prior, but I do like what you have, and it has intrigued me. I do love a good mystery. I'm excited to see what happens from here and see what Alex decides to do in this situation. I would also love to get a little more background on Caden. I'm curious to know who he is exactly since Alex called him a friend but then later said that he doesn't really know him, yet Caden seems to know a lot of information such as where the cabin is and that Alex's mom is still alive.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Well that I read the previous chapters so I’ll read this one first thing in the morning too =D
Why are there only Chapter 5 and 6 of it in the Related Items section tho? Have you thought abt putting all your chapters in the same folder in your portfolio?
Oh what does it mean that something is tucked into the throat of the forest? I’m not sure what I’m supposed to imagine here ☹
Otherwise I think the descriptions are working v well 😊
I also like how you called the room as feeling “occupied”. That’s an interesting phrasing. As if there’s a presence there, huh?
Still thinking our poor MC ought to collapse in exhaustion and pain by now ☹ Unless we are entering supernatural territory and Alex is abt to sacrifice him to an Elder God…
Uhm you might want to reread your sequence of events. MC sees the floorboads, gets busy with them, focus on the lockbox and its loud mystery. And then, the next paragraph starts with him finding the lockbox. So. Yeah, pls fix 😊
“I ran a thumb over the image, “ And smear blood all over it? oô That’s the first thing that comes to mind if you don’t give the MC time and place to wash off. You even mentioned the blood earlier too so. That’s v short-sighted.
This could also be a good place for the MC to reflect on what exactly he’s head of his mom before that made her out to be such a monster.
Hm I am kinda wondering why we had to do this now. Why MC couldn’t get a chance to sleep and do this when he’s not covered in blood and in pain. I bet you could have found another excuse to get Alex out of the cabin.
Because with the long walk here and the injury and all, I’m having trouble believing that he can make all these connections so quickly and that he has the focus to really go through all this right here and now.
Ah. I get why you did it. Because the chase is not over. Ofc you cant give him a chance to rest. He has to go back to that place or continue to be on the run. Aww poor baby ☹
I am wondering what kinda influence or dark power the stepmom has that she’s so untouchable by anything, even the law, that we have this elaborate setting and that Alex’ real mom couldn’t take him with her. And that’s despite the dad being in on it.
Just what is going on!! Oh I feel like you handed out maybe too much info here in too much of a convenient way (if he’s not careful, someone will most likely burn these incriminating fotos!) but there are still unanswered questions.
What type of money scheme is happening here… oh I am so curious!
Why is Alex worth so much money to kill? Hmm! Why did Alex’ Dad have to marry the shadow?
Also why did Caden leave his phone there? That seem… very plot-convenient.
If Caden truly regrets it why not have him be the one to confess it?
Oh on the bus, Caden? That makes it a-okay that you haven’t told Alex anything right until it’s too late!
I’m not really convinced that Caden knows what he’s doing :/ That all came a bit out of leftfield.