Chapter 1
I can’t move. I can’t breathe. All I can do is lay still and act like I'm asleep. Hope. Hope my mom decides I’m valuable enough not to kill me. I can’t see her, but I can hear her fast, ragged breathing above me. I can feel the bed going down with her weight, and hear the bed creaking as she moves towards me. Once she’s close enough, I can feel her cold skin on my back. Then, she stops.
She was still. For a moment, I could almost believe she had changed her mind, that the madness had passed. But then the mattress shifted beneath her, a whisper of a sound, and my body knew the truth. Hope was a fragile thing, and she was about to shatter it. I heard the soft whisper of metal against fabric as she drew the knife closer. Every muscle in my body screams at me to move, but I'm frozen. I need to get up. But can I really do this to my mother? Every time I think of her, I think of who she used to be, before the accident.
Her gorgeous blond hair , which used to catch the sunlight, is now hidden in the dark, heavy air above me, her green eyes illuminated by the sun, a sun she now hides from. I’m scared. My body tenses, and she laughs, a low, ugly sound.
"I know you're awake.” Her voice is a low growl. “Why hold back? Your end won’t change no matter what you do.”
She grabs my shoulder with her free hand and pushes me down so I am looking up. Then she puts her leg over my body, and shoves her knee hard onto my chest, the sudden weight stealing my breath. Now that we’re close enough, I can smell her starving breath.
I looked into her eyes, and the green I remembered was gone, swallowed by something cold and feral. The capillaries had burst, spiderwebbing the whites of her eyes with a network of tiny crimson rivers. She’s trembling. I hear it before I feel it. Her fingernails ripping into my shoulder, tearing the skin apart.
Then the pain hits. The initial tear was nothing compared to what followed. The pain bloomed outward, a vicious, radiating burn that felt like she was pulling my muscles apart, one fiber at a time. I look down and see the crimson oozing out. Blood.
She looks me dead in the eye and says, “You did this," she growled, her voice thick with hatred. "You killed him. Why did you kill him?" Then her phone rang. A jarring, tinny sound that shattered the moment. The sound made her flinch, her attention snapping away from me. The rage in her eyes didn’t disappear, but it receded, and I felt the sudden, blessed release of her weight.
I lay there, not daring to move, the crimson on my shoulder a constant reminder. I listen to her voice fade down the hall, the weight of her hatred replaced by the deeper, heavier, weight of silence. The phone call saved my life, but the questions she screamed at me echoed in the empty space she left behind. You killed him. Why did you kill him?
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139,264 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Please leave me an honest review!!!
This is actually sooo good!!!!!! I enjoyed every second of reading this!! I cant wait to read the other chapterssss!!!
I like the "spider-webbing her eyes with crimson lines" that sounds really poetic!
In general it feels like you have a few really neat phrases in there, some nice bits of extra flair for a scaffolding that in of itself is rather... generic.
I don't feel that connected to your main character. We don't know why they don't move or what occurred to make them that scared of their own mom. The mom's dialogue also doesn't really overflow with creativity. I also find it diffcult to imagine how she could rip open the shoulder and yet MC just lies there.
The beginning of the scene works really well, I feel the first two paragraphs are fine. Although the sentence "But can I rly do this to her" makes me wonder: What? What are you going to do to your mom? Shove her away? Kill her back? We dont know how strong or weak the MC is so the sentence is vague and unsatisfying.
When MC goes on a tangent about how Mom used to be, you lost me. Feels disjointed.
Honestly, I kinda felt like this is a prologue and the MC dies in this scene and the murder mystery is later how and why it came to this.
Hello hello! I have read this story and it left an impression on me for sure
First impressions:
To be completely honest it isn't that great - it definitely has potential story wise but it isn't all that great writing wise.
What I would improve:
First of all it's really short. While chapters that are too long aren't all that great this just feels too short. There is just too little in there.
Explain the situation more, and say more about how it started. For example about how her mother came into the room, her steps, the creak of the door, etc.
I just feel like that would be a little more enjoyable and make it fuller?
I feel like it's missing the character's reaction? There is only her inside monologue but no outside reaction. For example when her mother scratched her she didn't react at all (if it's a she sorry if not). Usually you would expect that a person would at least let out a whimper or maybe even scream - scratches hurt like hell.
After how the chapter ended I would at least put how she slowly recovered from her frozen state and went to clean the wound or stop the bleeding, etc.
What I liked (specifically):
The idea is definitely good! Although it might be a bit cliché with a parent being mad at their child because an accident (or what I assume was an accident) happened and the other parent/sibling/someone else who the parent loved died so the parent wants to take revenge I suppose on them.
I would probably keep the stuff you already wrote but I would add more things. What you have written definitely isn't bad but as I said before it isn't exactly great.
Summary of the review:
The idea isn't bad but it feels a little too short and like there isn't enough story in the chapter - like it's only a part of a chapter. You need to describe the main character more outside of their inner monologue - screaming, flinching, just reacting to the world.
I hope you won't take all the criticism as a bad thing - I don't want to be mean especially if you haven't been writing for long as writing isn't always easy especially so as a beginner. Make sure you continue writing as I can definitely see the potential in this story:3
Smetana signing off, bye byee!!
P.S. I'm not too good at grammar since English is not my first language (just a small reminder if I already said it!!)
wow this is like heavy
a little fast paced but lowk all my criticism
i love this and i cant wait for the rest!!!!!
Thank youuu!!
WOW. This is genuinely so amazing; if it was a novel I would absolutely read it. The description of pain, blood - the mystery?? It's so beautiful, in a horrifying way. Such a satisfying read, too. You used the perfect words, not too many repeats, the plot makes my skin crawl. The changing of past to present tense - I'm not sure if it was intentional but it actually fits the scenario beautifully. I love this!!!
Thank you soo much, I was so nervous posting this. Now I will make more!!!
ill absolutely read them!!
TYSM i'm already making the second chapter rnn