Prologue
“Come on Myzair. We’re going to be late.” A woman ushered a little boy.
“But mother, what is it?” He replied, running to catch up.
“The Dedication. One of the newborns has been chosen.” Excitement could barely be contained in her voice.
“Yes, yes mother, but what is it?” Myzair asked.
“The Dedication is very rare, and very honorable. Those who are chosen are only those who have a great reserve of all of the magics. The One they worship and serve is known as the Almighty, and although most of us do not believe in everything they say, we know better than to rise up against them. The Dedication is for those who can be a member of the Light, the ones who worship the Almighty. It is not restricted to one race that is not of the Darkness. It is very wise to have the Light as allies, which we are very blessed that the Council has befriended many of them.”
“Okay.” Myzair sounded defeated, but only for a second. “But what is the Dedication?”
“You are a relentless one my son.” She laughed. “If you are Chosen to be Dedicated, you are granted access to the Upper Realms. There, they are trained in the ways of the Light, and their powers grow daily. If they are strong enough, they become full-fledged Light.”
“What if they are not strong enough?” he asked.
“They usually become temple guardians in the southern desert. However nice that may sound, no matter the race of your origin, if you become a Temple Guardian, you live the life-span of a human.”
“No matter what?”
“No matter what.” His mother said, nodding.
“We are here to rejoice the dedication of one of your children. The Almighty has chosen this child to join the Light, to spread the Word.” A man spoke on the platform, his voice echoing in the valley. He wore white robes, a sign of the light. On the man’s right was a girl in purple robes with light brown hair. On her right stood a woman in white robes holding the child to be dedicated. The man turned to usher the woman and child forward when an arrow flew from somewhere in the forest and landed at the speaker’s feet, causing the majority of the crowd to gasp and turn.
“Orcs! We are under attack!” The screaming person burst through the foliage and looked down to find a stray spear in his chest.
“Run Isiss! Take the child to safety.” The white-clad woman nodded, and in a flash of light she was gone. The man found himself surrounded by the Elven Council each facing a different direction, looking for the attackers. Myzair turned to his mother, who had disappeared. He ran up to the stage, and was helped up by the speaker.
“What is your name, son?”
“My-Myzair. Have you seen my mother?” A sob choked him as he looked around.
“My name is Lortai and no I have-“ he was cut short by the cry of a woman.
“Myzair! Myzair! Where are you?” His mother panicked, running around the crowded ground. Myzair started towards her when she clutched her stomach. His mother fell, and behind her stood a laughing orc.
“No!” The wind picked up, knocking down the people who couldn’t hold on. The sky darkened, and lightning danced across its expanse, lighting up the forest for a second. Myzair fell to his knees, and just as his energy left his body he watched the orc get struck by lightning, then the world went black.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ickeschr, hello! A late welcome to Young Writers Society for you!
I like the beginning of your prologue. I seriously do. One thing I should mention, though. You seem to, in this transition, skip time, from the walk there to a man speaking. Where is this place? Is it supposed to be a secret?
"“No matter what.” His mother said, nodding.
“We are here to rejoice the dedication of one of your children."
Wow. Cool ending. Why do character in action and fantasy stories always black out and everything? Why????!!!!!!
-wisegirl22
First, thanks for the review/welcome!
It doesn't really skip time, just Myzair and his mother had arrived at their destination i.e. the Dedication Ceremony. I probably should have put that part in there, but oh well. Thanks again for the review!
You're welcome!
I like this idea a lot. I grew to like it more and more as I kept reading...
However, the writing is kinda boring. I suggest spicing it up with some emotions from the characters and from the scenes you use (wrote more about that below.) More detailed description would help it a lot. I enjoy the characters so far- the boy, Myzair, is interesting to me. And I like his mom.
Here are some more specific things I noticed:
He wore white robes, a sign of the light. On the man’s right was a girl in purple robes with light brown hair.-- Don't just describe things with plain colors- that's boring! Describe with emotion- bring the scene to life!
The man turned to usher the woman and child forward when an arrow flew from somewhere in the forest and landed at the speaker’s feet, causing the majority of the crowd to gasp and turn.
“Orcs! We are under attack!” The screaming person burst through the foliage and looked down to find a stray spear in his chest.-- between these two spots (the crowd gasping and turning and the guy screaming about the orcs) would be a good spot to add some emotion from the characters-- what are they feeling, now that they're in danger of being attacked?
The white-clad woman nodded, and in a flash of light she was gone.-describe the "flash of light" a bit more? If the main character has never seen anything like this, wouldn't it be a spectacular thing to see?
He ran up to the stage, and was helped up by the speaker.-- just wondering, why would the speaker help a random boy up when they're being attacked? he doesn't really have a reason to... maybe Myzair could shout to the man that he can't find his mother first, before the man helps Myzair up and helps him then.
The sky darkened, and lightning danced across its expanse, lighting up the forest for a second.-- this storm was super-sudden. Could you foreshadow at the beginning of the prologue, maybe? if it is this sudden, you need to describe its quick development better.
So yeah. Hope that helps. Thanks for the read,
-rissymay
First of all, thanks for the review! It does help a lot. The reason the storm was so sudden was because that is showing part of Myzair's power. Which is also the reason why he blacked out-it sapped most of his energy. Just a side note. Thanks again for the review.
Okay. That's actually a very cool idea. The thing is, you need to clarify that the storm was coming from Myzair, because when I was reading it, I didn't know. thanks
Hi there!
Okay, a few things here. First, there should be a comma before 'Myzair'. There is always a comma when you're using a name like that. Otherwise it runs together. Instead of reading: "ComeonMyzair" it'll read "Comeon, Myzair". I took out the spaces between the words to sho you the tempo of the wording.
Second, 'mother' should be capitalized. And it should also have a comma before it. The word mother usually isn't capitalized because it's not exclusively a proper noun. However, when used as a name, it is a proper noun and needs to be capitalized.
There should be a noticeable break between these two paragraphs since it's a change of setting, or so I'm assuming. A line of three asterisks (* * *) will work. In the first half of this prologue, Myzair and his mother are talking about the Dedication. Then all of the sudden they are actually at the Dedication. There needs to either be a transition or a break. Otherwise the man at the Dedication seems to come out of nowhere.
I have to say, this is a very interesting story you've got going here. I'm left wondering many things. Are these people humans or another race? Where exactly do they live? What is an Orc? These are all questions that I know will be answered in the first few chapters so don't spoil it for me ;P
I feel like there could've been more setting, more imagery in this prologue. Like I mentioned with the break thing, I'm just assuming that Myzair and his mother were at a different place and then went to the Dedication. It's not clear where they are in the beginning. And then once they get to the Dedication, the only thing we know is that there's a man and a woman and the child on a platform. What we don't know is who else is there, besides Myzair and his mother, what the platform looks like, what's on the platform, if the ceremony is taking place inside or outside. These are the kind of details and descriptions that readers want to see. They want a clear picture as they're reading. Fill us in a bit more.
Also, Myzair's character isn't explored much. That's okay for a prologue in all honest because it's a prologue. It's basically a teaser of what is to come. So it's fine to start diving into his character in the early chapters. However, it would be nice to know how old he is during all of this. I think it might help in the further understanding of your novel moving forward.
Let me know when your post the first chapter! I want to read more
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for the review! Some of the questions are answered in the first few chapters, while others are answered in later chapters. Anyway, the prologue-all of the people are elves(just in the prologue). Also, Myzair is 10 years old in this part of the book, but Chapter One shoots ahead a couple centuries(because he is an elf). Thanks for the review, and I will let you know!
I think you have something very interesting going on here. I'm liking the atmosphere and the creative way this world is coming out, but I do have a big issue with this prologue, and that is the dialogue.
Please don't take this to heart, but I feel like the dialogue needs work. The first paragraph of dialogue is very blatant exposition to this world, and the dialogue itself is a little dry and without character.
So, in my opinion, you should rework the dialogue and focus more on showing the reader, not telling them, especially with dialogue.
But in the end I still have to say I liked it, it's an interesting way to start a fantasy story, albeit a little blatant.
Thanks for the review, I appreciate it. I agree that they could be more interesting i.e. the character's dialogue, and that is probably the most difficult thing in my writing. It is a fine line between info dumping, which is difficult not to do in fantasy of any kind, and just using common dialogue to describe what the characters are going through; for me that is. Thanks again for the review!