Published June 20, 2009
hey, this is a short poem i wrote a few days ago, i was planning on adding to it, but im not quite sure what to do yet, so i thought id come on here and see what you guys thought? so please critque!!
The leaves are falling, one by one,
In autumn time, when day is done,
Can you see the orange glow?
From leaf to leaf the tree doth throw?
They settle down, awaiting fate,
For winter, they hope comes late,
For as the sleepy snow it falls,
It covers leaves with bleach white walls,
And to their death, they do go,
To rot away in earth below.
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I liked it. It was very pretty and it pretty much reached its goal: to be a pretty poem
I agree with Mr. Pie, this line doesn't work: For winter, they hope comes late
"For as the sleepy snow it falls" its very nice how you described snow to be sleepy. that was very pretty
It was pretty but you also used the theme of death to add more dimension
To rot away in earth below.
I like it a lot. It flows easy and the rhyme scheme fits just fine. I did see a few things though.
In the sixth line I feel it doesn't flow as well as it could. "They hope comes late" just doesn't sound, 'right'. I'm not sure what I'd try, but something there just doesn't flow.
In the ninth line i feel "They do go" would sound better as "They now go". Still that's just me, do what you want.
Other than those small things i see nothing wrong with this poem. As to the point of making it longer I say no. This is one of those poems best left short, sweet, and to the point.
~Mr. Pie