There are people in this world, who are kept secret, called the Blazed. Each one has his own special power. Mine, for instance, is fire. When each of the Blazed turns ten, they make there own sword or swords. Then, the person in charge of the village or city where they live names their ranks according to how sharp it is and how strong they are. The most powerful Blazed are ranked from one to ten, becoming the king of an area that the Blazed live in. The leaders and their subordinates are called the Krag.
There used to be millions of us, but now there are only thousands. Nobody knows why, but it can’t be anything good. All we know is that the Krag are behind it, and that they seem to be focusing on taking children. I knew that the people who work with the Krag were cruel, but ripping children from their beds and taking them to who knows where is… unthinkable.
That’s where I come in. My name is Callie Parkinson, level sixteen, though everybody thinks I’m only level twenty-six. I am eighteen years old, and I am third in command at the Rebellion. The Rebellion is a group made up of almost a third of all Blazed who are fighting against the Krag. Right now, our main focus is trying to stop the disappearances.
My friends Grey Gigs, Steven Cardle, General Calibar, and I lead a small group who are in charge of getting information on people in the Krag and then monitoring them. Grey is level nine and the most powerful person I know. And to most of the world, he died in a car accident. Steven is not a Blazed, but his parents were. He works more with technology and developing new weapons so that he can be just as helpful as Grey and me. General (I call him Gen, because I don’t know his real name) helped start the whole rebellion, along with the leader, Jason Leavitt. He keeps to himself most of the time, and doesn’t come out much, but he’s a genius, both of them. We’ve all known each other for years. Callie stopped writing. She couldn’t think of anything else to write. ‘Why does Steven think writing down everything is so important?’ she thought. ‘He knows I hate writing, and if I write down to much and it gets to the wrong person, everyone will be in danger.’ Callie sighed and set the notebook to one side. That was enough writing today. ‘Maybe I should go to the courtyard,’ She thought as she stood up, ‘Its been awhile since a fought Grey.’ Callie left her small, warm room, and stepped into the hallway. It was dark, and the hard rock walls let in very little warmth.
“Callie!” A small voice called from down the hall. Callie looked up to see Thomas and his little sister, Hope, running up to meet her.
“Hey guys!” Callie called to the young children. Tommy ran straight to her and she picked him up with a smile, who was soon followed by Hope on the other side.
“Callie!” Tommy said again, “Steven’s looking for you. He said he’s got more toys for you. Can we come and play with you?” He said in a rush. He suddenly looked down to the ground. “Why aren’t you wearing any shoes?” he asked. Callie suddenly realized that her feet were freezing. ‘Oh well,’ she thought, ‘It doesn’t really matter.’ She was right, the floors of the cave were very smooth most of the time.
“Catty!” Hope said.
“Hope,” Tommy said, “It’s Callie, not Catty.”
Callie smiled again. “It’s okay Tommy. She’s only two, she’ll learn it later.” She began to walk down the hallway, when Hope started kicking her. “Do you want to get down?” Callie asked and Hope nodded.
“Me too!” Tommy shouted, so Callie put them both down, where they proceeded to grab both her hands and dart off down the hallways and toward the lab.
It wasn’t very far, especially since they were running most of the way. They walked through the door into the brightly lit room. Callie looked around while Thomas and Hope ran around staring at everything.
Callie remembered how they had found this cave. They had been walking along looking for a place for the Rebellion to be based and Gen fell through the ground. After going down to get him they realized what they had found and decided to stay there. They added in some doors and furniture and it felt just like home.
“Tommy, you’re not supposed to be touching that! It’s fragile!” Callie heard Steven shout, and then a loud crash and Steven moaning over the loss of something. Callie sighed and walked over to where the ruckus was coming from to see Steven desperately trying to pick up what looked like nothing. “Oh Callie, thank goodness. Please control Thing one and Thing two for me while I try to find the rest of these invisible frogs.”
Callie looked at him confused, and then realized what he was talking about. “Oh, you were testing that new spray you’ve been working on.” He nodded and put on some goggles. “What’s that for?” She asked incredulously.
“They help you see through illusionists work.” He said. He moved slowly to a corner of the room, and pounced. “Ha! I got one!” He said excitedly. “Callie, get that jar on the shelf over there. Yeah, that one. Thanks.” He poured the invisible creature into the jar Callie was holding. The next ten minutes were a lot like this, Steven catching the frogs and putting them in the jar. While he was doing that, Callie sent the children out of the lab.
“Okay. I think that’s all of them.” Steven said exhausted. He plopped down in a chair next to Callie. “You could have been more helpful.”
“I couldn’t see them remember?” Callie said playfully mean. “So anyways, you got the spray to work I see, or can’t see.” She laughed, but Steven didn’t seem to find it very funny. After a minute she said, “So how does it work?”
“Well, we have illusionists make water invisible, and then we put it in a can.”
Illusionists were Blazed who can make objects and people look, sound, smell, and feel however they want it to.
“Really? That’s all you do?”
“Yep.”
“Hmm. So anyways, are you going to the dance tonight?” Callie asked. Dances were Gen’s way of keeping everybody happy, so they had it once a month.
“No.”
Callie looked at Steven shocked. He went to every dance with Callie. “Why not?”
“Because I heard that Grey was going with you.”
Steven and Grey fought a lot. Callie didn’t understand why. They always seemed to be getting along perfectly fine when she was around. Plus, Grey was so nice. He always cared about what everybody thought, so Callie bet that Steven was the one causing the fights. Steven may have been nerdy sometimes, but he was what you might call, a ‘ladies-man’, ‘bad boy’ or as Callie frequently called him, a ‘butthead’. In any case, though, Steven was right, Grey was going with Callie. When he had asked, she had blushed. She had been so embarrassed, even though they had grown up together.
“That’s true, we are going together, but you can come too.”
He shook his head. “Maybe next time. I have a lot of work to do.”
“Fine.” Callie said disappointed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Awesome, just one little thing:
“I couldn’t see them remember?” Callie said playfully mean.There should be a comma after said or something to that effct so it's not just a rush of words.
Also, I think you should but the first few paragraphs in italics, or somehow indicate that they are a journal entry/writing, and not just your character narrating.
I didn't really get or like the first few paragraphs as the beginning of the story, but after I realized they were jorunal entry they made more sense and I decided it was kind of cool.
Well that's all, very promising plot you've got here.
Really good! Just a few things!
~‘Why does Steven think writing down everything was so important?’~ That was, right there, should be changed to "is".
~and if I write down to much~ That "to" needs to have one more "o".
~wrong person, everyone would be in danger~ It should be everyone "will" be in danger. When a character is thinking, it is usually present tense (unless they are thinking about the past) even if the rest of the story is past tense.
~‘It’s been awhile since a fought Grey~ I'm not sure what you mean by this...
Otherwise, it looks great! Keep up the good work!
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