Steal my Candy
Do not pity me,
I’ll be alright.
And though I’ll cry,
All through the night,
I will be fine.
I feel so dead,
And yet so alive.
I don’t really know,
How long I can survive
This darkness of mine.
It’s getting too dark.
I cannot see.
Until a light appears,
Suddenly,
Above me.
These wounds will never heal,
I know,
But at least now,
They seem lesser so,
With you in my heart.
You may want to leave,
And I’ll understand.
There’s no sense staying with me;
Lifeless, ugly, bland,
Dead.
So stay awhile with me,
Hold me close to you,
Steal all my candy,
And laugh at the things I do,
To try and make you smile.
But even if you leave,
I want you to know,
That I will always be here for you,
No matter how it goes.
Because I have a debt to give,
A life to repay,
For the time you saved me,
From all my sad and lonely days.
So I may not be pretty, or funny, or smart,
But at least I have this poem to give,
And my entire HEART.
For my sister and her friends, and their lack of sanity.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
#000080 ">This was so sweet although kind of sad since this person seems to not have much caring people in her life except someone who is very special and even if they were to leave they will still be there. Lonliness. I don't like criticizing poetry like saying 'you should have said this instead, it didnt flow well' why? because it's yours UNLESS you want that, I don't like that I feel that You write what you feel or how you see something. But anyway this was really good.
#0000FF ">I hate pitty and receiving it. I rather get soemones support you know, pitty is for the week, in my opinion that is a choice, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, i go by that. this was the beginning and what drew me right in I love these lines.
Alright... Well this does seem a little choppy. Now I am like this as well but I dont really follow this at all. (No offense) You could make this flow smoother by adding more words into each phrase. Thus giving the reader a little more to follow so they dont get totally lost like I had dont. Another point
Really other then that I believe you can fix the others, now again I dont mean to be rude I just think you needed the few pointers. Someone else might total be rude so, Im trying to be really nice about it. I for one have the same problem as well, so I can see how hard it is to make everything flow along without taking forever. Well hope this made your writing style a little better!
~~Randi