Void, empty, hollow inside
My dreams have fled, my hopes have died
Existence has no reason
Life's just passing with each season
She was my life, my hope, my love
All is gone, passing me thereof
The hurt is such no one should bear
What's to life, why should I care?�
I weep forever, is that so wrong?
My heart is sick, for death I long
Eyes of tears for love that's lost
Covered is, my heart with frost
And, so week after week
I grow more and more weak
Each passing day�
My feelings on display
They all notice, though no one tries to help
I'm alone forever without any hope
Left to die and I fail to cope
Everyday I'm forced to live
Over and over in my head I relive
That horrible day�
That left me this way�
And my sorrows rejuvenate�
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Alrighty, so I see you're new here, so first off I'd just like to say welcome, and this is an AMAZING poem for a first try
, and even for an experienced writer, this is very good. Second, P.U.N.C.T.U.A.T.I.O.N. Punctuating a poem is a completely different experience from punctuating a sentence or paragraph. It is an art form. So, with that said, here are my tips:
Void, empty, hollow inside.
My dreams have fled, my hopes have died.
Existence has no reason;
Life's just passing with each season[u].[/u] I would remove the "just" here. It makes it flow better and keeps the meter
She was my life, my hope, my love.
All is gone, passing me thereof. This line/rhyme feels forced.
The hurt is such no one should bear.
What's to life, why should I care?�
I weep forever, is that so wrong?
My heart is sick. For death I long.
Eyes of tears for love that's lost. I would put "in" here instead of "of."
Covered is, my heart with frost.
And, so week after week,
I grow more and more weak. Rookie mistake, I know it's a different word, but it sounds terrible like this. I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to help, you can't put homonym together like this, it just does not work. How about using "meek?" Would that work?
Each passing day,
My feelings on display. I would put "With my feelings on display." It keeps the meter in line, and doesn't sound quite as awkward.
They all notice, though no one tries to help.
I'm alone forever without any hope.
Left to die and I fail to cope.
Everyday I'm forced to live.
Over and over in my head I relive.
That horrible day,
That left me this way,
And my sorrows rejuvenate. I would suggest putting a non-rhyming line here. This sounds awkward, and seems to drop off mid sentence. Or maybe say "And my sorrow will never escape." Or "My sorrows won't go away." I understand that you're trying to deepen the poem with the bigger words, but there's a fine line between caressing language, and just plain awkward.
Goodluck! You did a good job on this! I'm just really nitpick-y.
This is an amazing piece of poetry.
This stanza is very powerful, I really loved how you used commas in the first line.
This seemed quite week, no pun intended. What is you changed "week after week" to "Day after day".
Maybe you should change either the word "live" or the word "relive'.
Otherwise keep up the good work!
To think that that was your first poem is amazing! So before I analyse or talk about it any further I just want to say great job, and keep it up! The poem itself used great language and techniques to make it feel very sincere, and heartfelt. And at times I really felt your pain. There were other moments in the poem, however, that seemed a bit weak. For example, rhyming week with weak in the first two lines of the 4th stanza. I did love sections, but I think the middle stanzas could use some work. Apart from that, brilliant! Keep it up, you have quite some potential !