Published June 16, 2010
A constant rush of blood streams through her cheeks--
a heavy gush, making her face glow with emotion.
She smiles and laughs hoping to hide the flush of color,
but it only makes her blush harder.
He chuckles at her sheepishness
and notes her charm, his eyes a deep green,
the shade of wet grass on a summer day,
staring right at her with a heavy truth
The wind plays with her hair softly
as she gazes into the melancholy eyes she's learned to love--
she sinks into the warmth of them,
the wind leaping over the ground haphazardly.
His thoughts leap from one aspect of her to another
first: her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her hair;
then other things: like the way she talked about herself,
and then the way she talked about him.
She watched him speak for a while thereon,
from the way his lips moved back and forth to pronounce words--
and before he spoke, the way his eyebrows furrowed
when he put thought into what he was saying.
There was more to her than just a beautiful smile
and he knew it, he could tell just by the way she sat.
He saw how when he spoke she listened and didn't just talk,
didn't just drone on about herself, she had personality.
Afternoon gave break to dusk as then sun sunk low,
the sky turning all shades of dusty red.
Speckled mist was strewn on deep green grasses,
wind tumbling with dreams on end.
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139,601 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
haha, thanks guys. Lily, other people call me "Fixed" if that works for you!
Gracias for the review, I'll be sure to return the favor sometime in the future!:)
Hello! (This is my first ever review so I do apologise if I don't do it correctly
)
Anyway! To start with I agree with Lilymoore with the punctuation thing, I think that a bit more punctuation could help this flow better as some parts don't flow too well. When I write poetry I read it out loud and see if it sounds right being said, it always helps
-I'm not sure if it should say loved or love as sometimes in poetry this kind of thing is deliberate, if not it's the only mistake I noticed.
-To me this line didn't really fit in so well, you focus on the warmth of his eyes then have a cold chill in the next line, it might just be me but it seemed a bit of place and didn't really fit with the rest of the stanza.
Overall I did like this poem, it had a sort of simplicity that was charming - some love poems are over complicated and use so many cliches but this was nice and fresh - well done I enjoyed it
Hey ICBF…I need to think of a better nickname for you. *ponders*
Anyways, overall, this is a very charming love poem. I understand that you don’t have to punctuate or capitalize in a poem. But I think this just one of those poems where it needs the punctuation and the caps. You punctuate the end of each stanza but I do think it needs more than that, especially since some run-ons are created without the punctuation.
Also, the ‘he’ and ‘she’ thing did seem to leave me lost. They are very similar looking words and sounding words. For me, the fact that these two words are used a lot in the poem made it difficult for me to read.
But I also enjoyed how this wasn’t a flashy love poem. It was just a poem about two people who love one another. And that was the best part. You weren’t trying to out-do Romeo and Juliet but stand beside them instead.
Congrats!
~lilymoore