The iPod is heavy in my hands
the only source of light in a dead car
that I sit in, bitterly,
itching to revive it's engine.
I watch minuscule raindrops race
through the streets in the sky
just outside my tinted window--
gravity cheers them on.
The ground is their finish line
it grabs the raindrops harshly
I see them splatter on the ground
winning a race but losing their life.
Clouds roll by threateningly
spectating the race from above
cascading thunder countering
the shattered blades of lightning
that bleed through the horizon.
The song drifts away
ending a race
and beginning a dance--
the raindrops waltz to music
silent to all
but me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is a rather pleasant poem and I can certainly think of a situation I've been in when all I've done is sit in a bus and just watch the raindrops fall down
All the lines are produced really well but where you say: the blades of lightning,
I would've loved to see more from this line. It seemed... erm. UN-fruitishous
Any who, I really liked this poem and hope to see more from you! ^_^
Nova
Thanks! I re-did it. I hope it's better.
Hi,
I love the final stanza. The imagery is great and it flows very nicely, and I enjoyed your alliteration in the second stanza.
I'd cut "silently" from the first stanza as music can't blare silently, and if you want it to, you need to qualify this more.
I'd cut weaker images like "dark sky"-it's boring. Try to paint me a vivid picture.
I'd also read this aloud as for the most part it doesn't flow as smoothly as it should. I'd rewrite the first four stanzas, paying close attention to rhythm and word sound. I'd also consider omitting the stanzas.
Hope this helps,
Jas