Published July 17, 2010
Innocence found inside a girl
who sat and gave her hair a twirl,
with shining eyes the shade of May
and tanned skin as warm as the day.
Her canny smile gave such lust
the boy found that he must, he must,
take her out for just one night
and maybe make her smile bright.
Oh, the clever boy he was
she fell for him with quite a buzz
endless thoughts of his desire
his look, his touch, his need to inquire.
"You're a funny one," she says,
and with a smile that belays,
she walked the hall with warmth and grace
an equally beautiful type of pace.
He looked confused as he gazed at her
and opened his mouth as if not sure
he asked her of his one desire
for he still needed to inquire:
"Darling girl, you're beautiful,
bright and warm and wonderful,
you fill a room with happiness,
it seems clean, and yet, a mess.
"Your hair curls almost perfectly
it fills me with the utmost glee,
if I could maybe make you smile
and be with you for just a while."
She seemed to gape straight at the boy
who, 'til then, seemed like a toy
so uniform and with potential
she never thought he was essential.
Now she understood so well
why she seemed to never tell
how he made her smile so:
She loved him, though she'd never show.
"A while, I hope, is longer still
than just one night, which is the drill,
because you're an amazing boy
and seeing you gives me great joy."
He closed his eyes and smiled large
it seemed his heart about to barge
he took her hand and held her tight
and told her that her choice was right.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
Hey!
Okay, you've clearly worked very hard on this. It's not bad at all, and I rather enjoyed it, but there are a couple of things you might want to change.
Firstly, the length. This is very long and intimidating for a reader. I think that you could put what you're trying to say here into a much shorter narrative, and readers won't feel quite so threatened. I'll be honest, the first time around I read the first couple of stanzas and without even thinking about it skipped to the end. I just didn't want to go to the trouble of reading the whole thing, if I'm frank. The sheer length was sort of daunting. Sometimes it works really well, but I felt that for such a simple concept, you could have much more effect by not using quite so many words.
When I went through again and read it properly, mentally analysing, I found that your rhyme scheme is pretty forced. I can tell, reading this, that you've had to chop and change lines all over the place to make it rhyme. So maybe you should forget the rhyme - unless it comes naturally, it's usually best to leave it out. It's a very limiting tool for a developing poet.
Beyond that, though, you have a very sweet concept, and I think that with a little cutting down, and breaking out of routine, the verse will suit the concept better, and the poem will work really well.
Well, I hope I helped, and if there's anything more I can do, drop me a PM, and I'll be glad to help you out.
Sometimes I felt like your meter was off by a few beats, but other than that the content was superb and the meaning was conveyed clearly without overly expansive descriptions.
Fab job
First! I love the title!!! it goes so well with the poem! 2nd the poem was beautiful, it showed a lot of imagery, I was able to see the whole setting and the plot. I was able to imagine the girl and smile and the boy and how much he liked her. It was very well written, I can tell u took time on it.
Very well written!
feel free to message me with any questions!
Great Job!
XOXO
Colie18