Published February 24, 2011
Imagine the smallest sliver of glass,
smaller than a thread
sliding straight through your stomach.
That feeling you get right after you lean back too fast in a chair,
or anticipate a step that isn't there.
Imagine a hand, with five fingers.
The fifth is the smallest,
but it holds a billion secrets--
promises kept and
solemnly swore upon.
They're pinky promises.
I try to imagine having a pinky promise shattered.
and remember the feeling of the sliver of glass.
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139,620 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
Wow. Writing technique is amazing. Thoroughly enjoyed reading.
Hey there Be!
So this is kind of repetitive. But other than that, I have no problems with this. I don't know much about meter, so I won't comment on it.
I must say, overall, I like this poem. It's cute, sweet, simple. However, I have one nitpick.
"They're pinky promises."
...I don't know about other readers, but I got that without you telling me.
*clicks like*
Keep on writing!
Sporks
Hey Ican!
So, I read over this poem and I really quite liked it. I'll start with what I did like about it and move onto what I liked a little less after-wards.
First off, I loved the way you connected the first few stanzas in the end. At first, you had me wondering what one had to do with the other (that goes to show how creative I am), but by the end, you had connected them quite well. For the most part, anyways. (I'll elaborate on that later.)
I absolutely adored the third stanza. It was, like Scarli said, is excellent fuel for imagination. The way it was worded was awesome, and it left me wondering about something. Not quite sure what that something was, really, but I liked it.
However, I also agree with Scar where she said that she tripped over the words here:
The word 'stair' there really threw me off. Now, I would say to omit one of them in most cases, but if you took out 'step' and left it as 'stair,' it would rhyme with 'there' and not in a good way. Mostly because it would almost sound like something that Dr. Suess would do - and this poem obviously wasn't meant to give off that vibe. Plus, the rest of it doesn't rhyme. So, there you go.
Also, the last stanza may have connected everything well, but I couldn't help but feel that it was a tad cliche-sounding. I would try rewording it somehow, or adding a bit in there. After the rest of the poem, that last bit didn't add or up pack the punch that I felt it was supposed to.
Otherwise, like I said before, this poem was very well-written.
~~Cass
Oooh, this is good. I like, even though the flow is somewhat...fractured, but it works nicely. One thing, though... "or anticipate a stair step that isn't there." Step and stair are pretty much the same thing. Take one of those words out.... I suggest stair... Cause when I read that line, I tripped over those two words. Other than that, it's brilliant and I love it. *clicks like* Although, I suppose it could work if you left stair step as it is. Either way could work, really.
Also, loved this part; "Imagine a hand, with five fingers.The fifth is the smallest,but it holds a billion secrets--". It's great fuel for imagination and I think you titled this poem appropriately. *grins* There's something quite magical to a child about pinky promises...like secrets.
Thanks for the brilliant poetry, Fixed. I adore it. ^^ Keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.