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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I love this one! Here, my fix-its in purple:
Awesome job!
--Dreamy
Hey there!
Okay I'd say this was a lovely start, I enjoy the repition of the "You didn't" as this gives your poem some starting rhythm. I also like the words you've used, such as "tear".
The feeling conveyed, like Teddy said, is strong but I feel you need to extend the middle by 1 or 2 lines to carry through that extra punch of impact.
I think 'to' works better than 'in' and keeps the rhythm and pace a little better. I personally adore the words 'a million' and 'despair' they have that nicely churned effect and it works beautifully in your poetry.
I lvoe this ending and think you should keep it. The use of colour always delivers strong effect in poetry. It's beautiful.
Keep up the writing.
Ben,
Hi there, I just want to say that this was a very sweet and simple poem, although it conveys alot of feeling in very few lines. I do agree with Matt, the middle two lines should follow the pattern that was set from the beginning, it kind of threw me off. But the message is still clear in those six lines of poetry.
And I also want to know why you chose dark blue for the color of the heart? Is that color significant to you? Or did it simply just fit the rhyme scheme? If it just simply fit into it, then you might want to look into some more rhyming words, because dark blue in some cases represents hope.
All together, it is a very simple poem that has greta potential. Keep writing!
Teddy
This is okay. The middle two lines should probably rhyme like the rest because it braks the flow a bit, and you need to check for spelling mistakes, otherwise people might get the impression you don't care about your poem and it looks sloppy. Perhaps this is a poem you had to write for yourself, and it's great to vent and be able to do that, but without a little more description, it is difficult for the reader to relate to you. Try adding some detail. Hope that helps.
Ok, review time my dear! Short and simple isn't my style but I will do my best to review. First of all in the third line you misspelled ripped, and pieces. in the fourth line you broke the rhyme that you had with makes it hard to read. In the last line turnt should be turned, and that just didn't go with the rest.
-Flower-