18:00, Thursday @ Shaw Boulevard, Tablado boys decided to have their 'first boys' night out' in Manila. As usual, J.J. couldn’t come with them for some excuses, I mean reasons.
Depending on the medium, I'm left wondering how the audience could possibly know all the information contained in this stage direction. If it's intended as a film, you could have the time stamp and location appear on screen, but the rest of this direction makes no sense as a direction unless you've got a narrator narrating all this, which leads me to ask the question of who the narrator is and what his relation to the story is. Is he one of the characters? Is this a recollection of his past?
Those are some things you should consider.
That said, there are a couple of other issues with this. First, being that the dialogue really felt contrived, and the use of "am" in place of "I'm" really irked me. Secondly, there wasn't much action in this little section. The boys meet up. They wait for a friend. They ride in a taxi. End of episode.
Quite frankly, that's boring. Where's the conflict? The drama? This is likely the first thing your audience will be encountering, so you need to hook them or lose them. Right now, while there's a hint of conflict brewing at the very end (in one of the directions, which makes no sense), there's nothing in this first part to hook your audience.
You might want to fix that.
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
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