Published September 4, 2007
Your harsh screams pierce the night
like blades, leaving scars
and slowly bleeding you dry, my love.
Dry.
Unlike the fateful storm
that has swept you away, my love-
Lost at sea.
Lost.
A simple good-bye would suffice,
easing this broken heart.
Farewell, my love.
Farewell.
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,341 Reviews
The first stanza started really well, with the pain of a cut and everything, I could feel it, but after that it started to go down hill...
The big issue I see is that I'm not sure how each of these stanzas fit together. What are you trying to make me think, or feel? What is your meaning? I also didn't really like the repetion. *shrugs* I don't think it worked.
hmm....well, a few key words could change, not sure which ones, but otherwise it was good!!
let's see...
Your harsh screams peirce the night
i think the correct spelling is "pierce".
Dry...
yep, it kind of doesn't fit in.
and i think ending it with a '.' would be better.
Unlike that fateful storm
that has swept you away, my love-
again, the use of 'that' in both sentences make it weird. maybe you would like to replace the first onewith 'the'.
A simple good-bye would suffice,
easing this broken heart.
Farewell, my love.
Farewell.
my favourite part(:
and it's the best written part.
i think it's quite a good one. keep it up!
I'm not entirely sure why, but this stanza stares out at me like its going to slap me in the face. It is, perhaps, the worst of the three stanzas. One thing I can point out is that the elipses at the end of 'Dry" don't fit, in connection with the other stanzas it seems that this should end will just a period (full stop).
'the' instead of 'that' in the first line? the 'that' isnt wrong, it just seems that having it repeated in the second line looks odd.
My most liked stanza, sweet and to the point.
The use of "my love" at the end of the third line of the 1st and 3rd stanzas looks great, did you mean to skip it in the 2nd? or was the repetition unintentional? either way it works.
Right, hehe, that said; I quite liked the poem, it had meaning and wasnt terrible heh. I point out that I am not brilliant at teh poetry (not even good) so I may, probably, most possibly, be wrong in my crit.
Keep it up =D
*hearts* Le Penguin.