Published August 22, 2007
Falling
Down forever, it seems
No way out and no way to return.
Spinning
Into hallowed nowheres
Like love for nobody, like concern.
Dreaming
Of another world apart,
Of silent skies and tattered wings.
Drifting
To a place where there is hope
And there are sacred things.
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Colleen- I laughed as I read that title... my brother was probably thinking '...what the heck?' But I digress.
The reason my poem's title is so unoriginal is because when I used to write poems, almost none of them had titles. Ever. So naturally, I had no idea what to name this. I wasn't even sure it was about a dream... it just sounded... dreamy. Lol. Anyways, I'll keep working on it. Thanks for the crits!!
A title can add a lot to a poem; it can set the mood, perhaps, or explain a little bit about the meaning of the poem. Think a lot about your title; it's natural when you're not sure what to name it to simply make the poem's subject its title. But poets often use titles to their advantage.
For example, Billy Collins' cleverly titled poem "Reading An Anthology Of Chinese Poems Of The Sung Dynasty, I Pause To Admire The Length And Clarity Of Their Titles".
Keep working on it!
-Colleen
Imagery is definitely an issue here. There are a lot of poems about dreaming out there, and ninety percent have the title DREAMING or DREAM. Try going for something more original and captivating. A title is, after all, the first thing a reader sees.
Sixty percent of dream poems are basically the same. The sensation of falling asleep figures a big part in most of them, and the dream part is left alone. Describe the actual dream, the detached emotions, the watermarked landscapes, the fuzzy remembrances once you wake up. Those things will but your poem into the other forty percent of dream poems, and better yet, the ten percent that are some of the most spectacular poems ever written. Well, sort of.
Anyway, you get what I'm saying. Keep writing. This is fabulous.
Aussie
I agree with cadmium about your verbs. There isn't anything wrong with this, and, as was said, the rhythm of the ending is great.However, because I am so fussy, I will suggest that you approach this from a new angle and employ greater use of imagery.
I've seen a lot of your work springing up around here...remember that you ought to critique others' work as well as post your own. People will be more likely to comment on yours if you comment on theirs!
When I first skimmed this poem, I thought I wasn't going to like it at all, but it turns out I do, to some extent.
I really like the pattern created here, and I think you did a great job with the rhythm and rhyme without sounding too forced. The last line is rhythmically my favorite. I dislike the "like concern" part...it's the one part that sounds forced, because it doesn't make much sense in context.
Unfortunately, the actual content and meaning of the poem didn't do much for me. It suffers from being a little too abstract; give your reader something to hold on to. "Falling," "Spinning," "Dreaming," and "Drifting," aren't fantastic words. Diction can make or break your poem. Also, use imagery; readers need images, sounds, smells to get into a poem.
Keep at it and remember to crit work by others before you post your next poem!